Do you shout at your children?

I've done what DS would call shouting which is more stuff like sternly asking him to put his shoes on for the fifth time.

I've occasionally actually shouted, but not often. If I've actually lost my temper, I might shout because I do have a bad temper when I lose it. But I am also very patient so it doesn't happen much. Obviously a child will push you to lose your temper on occasion! That's inevitable.

I grew up with a lot of shouting and I don't feel like it did me any good. Rather than some people who grew up in that environment and become fearful of shouting, I became a bit immune to it. So I don't see it as a useful technique to get my point across because who would listen to a bunch of shouting?

Yes from time to time. But I always apologise and I would never see it as desirable for anyone to shout at their children.

Oh and i raise my voice plenty if they are being disobedient, rude, thoughtless, unkind dtc.

Yes - occasionally. Not in a scary way, but I think actually its important children learn that poor behaviour will provoke negative consequences from others. I also think they need to recognise mummy has feelings & can be hurt & frustrated too and is allow to express that.

It has most effect when they need shocking into realising they have gone too far.

I get a lot of complinents that my DC are comparatively well behaved.

Occasionally if they’re doing something dangerous and the odd time over the years when I’ve been particularly overwhelmed.
I’m not a loud person by nature though and I’ve found there’s a certain tone of voice that works much better than shouting when they’re misbehaving.

There is definitely a difference though between occasionally losing your rag (which I would say the vast majority of parents have done at least once - children can be very overstimulating and we’re all human ) and being habitually angry and shouty

Yes, but very occasionally.

My daughter and I have a mutual understanding of what works and what doesn't. Ive also made it clear that the thing I hate the most is having to repeat myself, so she doesn't bother me too much and I try to breathe more when she does.

I'm starting to wonder if all these years I've been considering "raising your voice" as shouting.

Do I never shout. I would only do this if necessary to prevent injury eg if he was about to run into a road I'd shout 'stop' or 'look' or 'no'

No. I'm a teacher and never shout at work either. I hate it when ds tells me about teachers at his school shouting at his peers.

Only when they piss me off…

Yes but only when I'm pushed to my limit. I see shouting as a weakness, a loss of self control.

I'm usually a calm person and even people who know me well would never imagine I could get angry.

I've never raised my voice to anyone apart from my own children and I'm so ashamed to say that 😢

Yes I’m a shouter. My kids are all adults now but I definitely did my fair share if shouting when they were little. I’ve never smacked them.

My parents never shouted at me. Or hugged me, or told me they loved me.
I would happily have had them demonstrate some sort of emotion towards me either way rather than nothing.

I hug my DCs every day and tell them I love them. And occasionally shout.

I don't do it as a deliberate strategy as I am vv aware it doesn't help - but DS1 has ADHD, DS2 is awaiting assessment for ADHD and ASD, and I have a 3yo as well - it's a lot and sometimes it's the only way to be heard over the madness, and/or I just get to my limit and then go over it before I can stop myself.

It's actually really counterproductive with DS2 in particular, because he can get extremely anxious and I am starting to really see how the anxiety is actually the root of all his challenging behaviour. Whereas DS1 had issues with impulse control and needed structure, DS2 has elements of that but also struggles a lot generally just to cope with the world, and then has outbursts as a result of those struggles. So what helps the most with him is actually the very opposite - being calm and predictable and soothing.

I am much better now than I was when DS1 was little (he is 16 now). I seemed to shout at him a lot I didn't really know how else to get him to do stuff with any urgency, other than just getting louder and closer, and it did seem to work even though I found the whole charade stressful and felt guilty about it. At some point he got to an age where I felt that urgency was not really a part of my responsibility any more, and I have never shouted at him since then and probably won't ever again, unless it's some kind of warning of danger.

I tend to manage urgency now by being more proactive rather than trying to do everything at the last moment and wondering why it didn't work. But I also have ADHD, so I think I am quite quick to leap into an emotional response, I have got better at this with more awareness of it, and more organised with helps with being proactive and predictable too.

In general, anger and threats of punishment aren't good strategies, even with NT kids. I know that some people hold onto it as an approach, but it's very old fashioned. I understand that basically, if you make your kids scared of you/your reaction/the punishment you might give, you'll gain a level of compliance which means you can effectively control them when they are small enough, but it's more a smokescreen of control because when they are older they simply learn to hide things effectively, or do it one way in front of you and something totally different when you're not there.

According to what behaviour research tells us now, punishment doesn't actually cause behaviour change - I think this is one of the most surprising things, but also, when you think it through it's logical too - even though plenty of good parents use mild punishment and their kids aren't terrorised, apparently they have now found it's not actually the punishment (or threat of) which is causing the lasting change in behaviour, it's all the good constructive positive stuff you're doing around it, like setting them up to succeed, praising them for doing the right thing, helping them work their way through problems or obstacles, supporting them in building skills, talking about reasons and empathy, making things fun, modelling the behaviour and values you expect etc. Mild punishment can apparently support goals that are being led by these things and might help establish rules/norms more quickly particularly within groups, but it does not cause behaviour change on its own, and it's quite costly in terms of the fact it erodes trust and may build a sense of resentment and opposition. The only thing that it can achieve on its own is compliance, which is temporary.

The opposition thing won't matter for the majority of children if, after the fact, they feel the punishment is fair and you overall have a good relationship. It might still erode trust in that they may avoid telling you things if they think you won't like them doing it. But again this is likely very minor if you have a good, open, communicative relationship in general. It is not the end of the world to use it as a shortcut sometimes. But in general, parenting should be focused on other strategies.

A little bit, usually when at the end of my tether. It’s more of a very loud impatient voice rather than a full on yell.

Unless she is about to do something really dangerous- she got properly shouted at the other day for doing something (not malicious but thoughtless) that could have hurt one of our cats. I absolutely bellowed and it got the message across. It’s a hard line for me with the animals (DD usually very good and sensible/kind but was being silly).

I try not to be a shouty parent often though as it loses all effectiveness then. But I don’t think it hurts occasionally.

I will say loudly & firmly “put your coat away right now“ & will shout in a relaxed voice “dinners ready”

What’s the difference between shouting & raising your voice?

Yep. They still don't listen.

Also this

From being little my dc have said 'stop shouting' when I am not...I can get a firm tone in my voice without raising my voice and get accused of shouting by them so 🤷 tbh they are teens and wind each other up no end. I'm not going to pretend I don't shout but equally I don't think this automatically makes me a bad parent or my parenting lacking, there are far worse things that I could do than raise my voice in exasperation. I don't name call or get physical and I doubt my DC are scared of me as they are bigger than me. I wish people would move away from the rhetoric that anyone who shouts is a bad parent...you can be a terrible parent and not shout.

Actually - just occasionally! - it does children good to realise that you can push adults too far and they will snap. Ok if you all calm down and make up afterwards.

Yes. Generally when they are fighting with each other to the point it drives me insane, or when I've asked for them to do something simple 15 times and been ignored! Not for general behaviour correction though

I definitely raise my voice but proper shouting is a definite no. DH has really bad issues stemming from his mum shouting at him a lot as a kid and he's definitely recovered but we are both adamant we won't do that. It doesn't work at all with older children anyway - they just shout back and argue!! Nothing gets solved. We are definitely not "gentle parenting" - that would not work for us unfortunately!! But proper shouting is just a no, I don't want my kids to only listen to me because they are scared.

Yes, occasionally. If I'm OTT or it's because I have an issue (has happened on occasion), I apologise. If not, it is what it is or " well, if you'd listened the first 5 times, I wouldn't have to shout, would I?".