To think his behaviour at the zoo was OTT?

He has a point! You’ve already paid to get in so you should really make the. OST of it! Or if you don’t want to let him stay and you go back to hotel or sit in the cafe with cup of tea and a book! I’d be annoyed if I was enjoying somewhere and was made to leave!!

I think it's unfair to put neurotypical expectations onto someone who is autistic. To anyone else the behaviour is clearly OTT and unreasonable but he's not a neurotypical person so shouldn't be expected to act that way, just as with your disability you shouldn't be expected to be able to do the things that someone without that condition can do. I think you both need to communicate your needs and find some compromise. It's difficult being in a relationship with an autistic person, especially if you're expecting that person to only show their autistic traits when it suits you

How long have you been together? If it's been years and he's witnessed plenty of flare ups then the situation isn't going to get better. If it's a new relationship and he's only seen you have flare ups on a couple of occassions, I would cut him some slack as he probably doesn't appreciate how quickly you can go from being fine to in lots of pain. If someone's never experienced, for themselves, a condition where you can be ok one minute and really unwell the next, it may take even a NT person some time to understand how important it is for the unwell person to go and rest asap.

Perhaps if this is the case then in future instead of masking the OP needs to speak up. Slowing introducing the idea that the day may not go as originally planned and talking through the options(I go, you stay/we pick the bits we want to see most then go/whatever) rather than suddenly 'being done' could help alleviate some of the angst.

Expecting him just to be able to turn off his autism because her endo has flared is always going be a recipe for disaster but if she like you said knew for hours before hand that things may not go to plan but hid or 'masked' it then the opportunity was there for her to show understanding of his condition and care for him and pre warn him that a full day out may not be possible for her and to plan for that.

Agree, I think planning for what to do when this happens in the future is a good idea. Neither OPs endo nor DPs autism are going away. If they both want to continue in the relationship, they will both have to learn how to cope when the two things rub up against each other, so to speak.

I would say the best thing would be to have an understanding that in situations where OPs endo means she can't cope but she's fit to go home by herself and doesn't need care, that's what should happen. No expectation that she stay, or that DP leave early.

But we're not NT and can't learn away our autism. If it worked like that, autism wouldn't be a real thing or have any noticeable effect on our lives, would it? That doesn't make any sense. If I could learn not to cry in public when things go wrong, don't you think I would? How would it make sense for me not to want to do that, if it was possible?

I can see a bit of both sides here. Obviously health comes first, but, from the other side a zoo is normally a day trip - you saw half the zoo in half a day so it would feel a bit like not getting a full day out it.

I get that (I have a condition with flare-ups too) but she specifically said she "started" feeling unwell, in her account which presents only her side (i.e. had she been feeling unwell earlier, it would be to her advantage to have mentioned it, so it's more likely that the "started" is true). Sorry for being pedantic.

I can see both sides here and neither of you were being unreasonable. You felt ill and wanted to go home and he wanted to see the rest of the zoo he paid to see. I'd have had a word with the zoo entrance staff and mentioned you were unwell and see if you can get a free return.

No, by learning it over time. Just like NT people do.

Well because my condition has "flares" but that doesn't mean it isn't there at a lower level all the time. During which time I mask being well.

Zoos are cruel

You don't need to be joined at the hip - I don't have your problem but I have before gone and left DH at something I could no longer manage , or been very explicit if I needs help to get home. And I wouldn't expect him to hang around if he felt unwell or just didn't like what I liked

This.

She hasn't said this at all. In fact, she specifically said: "Around this time I had an Endo flare up and started feeling unwell." Why just assume she was concealing how she felt?

I agree with both of you. He could have stayed, you could have taken pain killers, rested and either carried on or gone home.

I am autistic.

I think tab a bit unreasonable. I'd have gone back by myself, I'm not a child and if the person I was with was enjoying themselves no point in us both losing out. Woukd be different if I didn't know what was wrong with me.

Also be honest...you had expected it to be a fairly short trip as per the beginning of your op. Had you already complained about the amount of time it was taking /size of the zoo before you felt ill? Because if I was your partner, then that would change my thinking a bit as well.

Agreed.

So you expect him to accommodate your needs but don't feel you should accommodate his? He's autistic and you changed the plan, that's very difficult for autistics to manage especially when stressed in unfamiliar environments like on holiday. He did leave and support you he just pouted while he processed that 🤷‍♀️

I can't believe you are calling me ableist after what you have written about a person with autism.

It isn't revolting to suggest that from her post and her words it seems possible that she made up the illness to do what she wants. That isn't trivialising endometriosis which is an awful illness. It is just a view on a forum where she has asked for opinions.

I don't think DP did anything wrong. He was disappointed but still left with her and cared for her.

OMG so much this. Nail, head.

If you haven't been in a relationship with someone with endo before you don't necessarily know what it's like and have to learn how it affects someone, about flare ups and the unpredictability, etc.

If you haven't been in a relationship with an autistic person before, you don't necessarily know what it's like and have to learn how it affects someone, about how moving through the world and dealing with its unpredictabilities can be very difficult.

The combination of an unpredictable health issue and a neurodevelopmental difference may mean that these two people aren't right for each other long term. But that is not the fault of either, or the endo or the autism.

I think a key point is that he did come to realise that you needed to leave and left with you. It was hard from him to not do what he planned and pick up on social cues which I understand will be frustrating. But it seems to be going the right way.

I think it depends on how you handled the situation.

If it had been
" I'm feeling really ill, We need to go home" then I think thats unfair on him, give him the option of staying where possible

However if it had been " I'm feeling really ill, I'm going to go home but you feel free to stay and finish the zoo and meet me back at the hotel later..." Then thats fine, give him the choice of staying.

Yes it sucks that you became ill during the outing, but I can understand wanting to complete the whole activity that has been planned and paid for and the disappointment at not being able to do that (not saying you can help being ill, noone can)

Also be honest...you had expected it to be a fairly short trip as per the beginning of your op. Had you already complained about the amount of time it was taking /size of the zoo before you felt ill? Because if I was your partner, then that would change my thinking a bit as well.

I imagine there was frustration on both parts ...you feeling ill and him disappointed the activity was cut short.

You are trivialising endometriosis.

Op was probably powering through pain even to get through the first side.

It's revolting and ableist to suggest she became conveniently ill.