Will I ever have a conversation with my son?

I work with autistic teens and young adults. So many of them mention they didn't start speaking until they were older, or I see this in their reports. I'm often surprised as I really wouldn't be able to tell! We have some great conversations, often interest led but that's great!

Definitely keep looking into gestalt language processing, it is so interesting. Libby Hill a speech and language therapist might be worth a follow on FB or Insta (Small Talk speech therapy). She also has a podcast now :)

Keep the faith :) Your little boy sounds bright and wonderful.

Every child is different of course but my autistic son is 8 and the difference in his speech now compared to when he was 5 is huge. We have conversations. Fairly short ones I suppose but it's still great progress. You gotta focus on the good stuff as much as you can!

@DietrichandDiMaggio yes I also realised how lucky I am that we have been able to advocate for our DCs' needs and pay to fill gaps where we needed. DS2 needed some OT and play therapy when he went through a difficult stage, for example. I'm glad you have what you need and your son is living the best life he can have.

Re the other poster's comment, she did say she hadn't worded it terribly well, and I also acknowledged she explained it wasn't her intention to portray autism as a negative thing. Things can be misinterpreted in texts, posts, etc, and usually that just gets cleared up. I think what bothered me was saying it made me feel better, because it really doesn't. My original intention was to convey to OP that autism doesn't have to mean she won't have a meaningful and loving relationship with her son, however he communicates.

Maybe I'm a bit oversensitive today because there really has been some awful stuff on here - autistic people are awful partners, never have a relationship with an autistic person, autistics shouldn't have children, etc - it's been a very grim day for autistic folks on this site. Thankfully the worst of it has been removed by the mods and hopefully the worst offenders are gone. Maybe some are just trolls coming to bait - but sadly there are some who genuinely think these hateful things.

@CrazyGoatLady Well no it's obviously not about me, because the other poster's comments were in relation to her son's autism, nothing and nobody else.
My son is supported by a great team in a lovely supported living house, and as far as we can tell enjoys his life and is happy there. I'm totally aware of how lucky we are that we were in a position to be able to advocate and fight for him to receive funding for his education, and then adult support services.

My son is 22. He started talking when he was 5. I used to say " I love you Bob" (not his real name) and he'd always say "I love you Bob" back to me. Until one day when he was 12 he walked out of school and said "I love you Mum" Obviously I cried! It was Valentines Day so they'd been talking about love at school and he must have taken it in.

Now I can ask him about his day and tell me it was good, a sentence about what he did, what he ate for lunch. But apart from that it's hard to have a longer conversation with him as his speech is very repetitive, and he will talk about his special interests at me and others.

I had covid recently and when he got up one morning he asked me how I was feeling, which he's never done before! (Probably because he was bored with being stuck in the house, but still!)

@DietrichandDiMaggio it's not about you either. Not every autistic person is like me, any more than every autistic person is like your son either. I spoke about my own feelings seeing ableist comments about autism on here, I am not speaking for anybody else.

Parenting children with disabilities absolutely can be very tough going, I'm never going to dispute that. Often, things are more difficult for autistic children and adults because the world doesn't accept them as they are, people don't want to understand differences or accommodate their needs, or provide enough funding for autistic people with all levels of support needs to have those needs adequately met, or to support their parents and carers properly so people aren't exhausted and burnt out and having to fight for every last penny or minute of respite.

I guess where I'm coming from is, when we blame the autism as the sole cause of life being hard, we let the system and society off the hook, and nothing changes.

I sincerely hope you and your son are as well supported as you can be given the challenges you're facing.

@DietrichandDiMaggio totally applaud you. Your voice needs to be heard too. Every voice needs to be heard. And we speak for those who can’t who we love and cherish more than anything in the world. I love many many features of my son’s autism, but I am sick of feeling like I need to apologise or watch what I say if I express any worries in him not having any words just yet. It is terrifying as a parent! Our children are so vulnerable if they don’t know how to communicate effectively. And yes I’m aware there are many forms of communication and I support this. I am trained to level 4 in makaton, I do pecs, I’ve tried it all, but I do worry what no spoken language means.

My son was very similar at that age. To boost his receptive language and his engagement I used to come up with scripts of our own mainly about farting which his still as a teen thinks is the funniest thing ever. We came up with songs, rhymes, stories and I’d say my bit and he’d say his. It brought us very close together and gave us very strong communication at his level which I think helped him a bit to learn a bit of turn taking and storytelling. He still is not much of a chatter but he is much better able to communicate these days and outside of conversations more importantly he and I still have a very strong bond. There are other ways of communicating that you both can find meets both of your needs.

My son will always need support and he will always have poor social and communication skills by the standards of his peers but that is the disability and it is important for me to accept that about him as hard as that can be sometimes.

Your son sounds amazing and I’m sure one day he will get the sentence I love you mummy and he will say it out of the blue . He does love you just look into his eyes when he sees you after school or when he wakes up . They will tell you how much he loves his mummy x

It's not about you. Parents are allowed to wish their child didn't have a disability that makes their lives more challenging, in whichever way they are affected. Parents are often worn down after years of struggling, often whilst fighting for an appropriate education for their child, so they don't need someone berating them for not seeing autism as a positive in their child's life. That doesn't mean they don't love their child or want to change them; they just wish that things weren't always so difficult for them.
As a parent whose son was in nappies until he was ten, has a learning disability and will require 24 hour support for the rest of his life, the experiences of people who are able to have careers and families of their own bear no resemblance to his, so their insights into being autistic are unlikely to reflect his, but unfortunately some adults do come across as if they can speak for all autistic people, including those who can't speak for themselves.

I really feel you . My son , 18 tommorow actually , is asd . His speech was delayed , he was 7 when he spoke and slightly later we could “ chat”

He has since explained to me he didn’t talk earlier as “ I didn’t need to or know I should”
Tears and smiles over that little revelation

Hugs to you

My son is 25, severely autistic and non verbal. These sort of questions used to consume me. This time next year he’ll be talking …. Etc etc. I said it all the time. Over the years it mattered less, other things became more important like his receptive language. We’ve never had a conversation obviously but we communicate in our own way. He had enough single words to get his needs met. His behaviour/mood tell me his his day has been.

I don't want to put a downer on the thread, but I don't want the OP to only hear from parents whose children did eventually start speaking relatively normally and therefore get her hopes up that her son will also, when that isn't always the case. My son as an adult is verbal, but in a very limited way, so he can communicate most of his needs/wants, but a lot of his speech is repetitive and we can't have a conversation about his day or anything like that.

@SGANDRUE

It sounded like you think your son is great apart from those pesky lingering bits of obvious autism. Though I hear you when you say that wasn't your intention, that's how it came across.

It doesn't make me feel better at all to see negative comments on here about autistic people. It makes me feel really sad, alienated, and reminds me how poorly autistic people are viewed, even by their own families at times. So no, it doesn't make me feel good at all. What a strange thing to say.

Not being neurotypical isn't a "I can't possibly be ableist" card btw. I'll hold my hands up and say at times I have internalised the neurotypical standards I was brought up with and imposed them on my DC. I've had to work hard to undo that internalised ableism. It's sometimes there when we don't even realise it.

I would definitely look into a robust AAC system for your son- it was like the magic key for my child to unlock their expressive language - we use proloquo but there are lots of other options (also aged 3, also a definite GLP!)

He knows alphabet. He can learn to type and speak with aac eg prologue or gridforipad . He has some words.

I find it incredible that my comment was turned into something negative and insensitive. I was only trying to reassure OP that she will have a relationship with her DS, as I have with mine. Admittedly, I may not have worded it in the best way, but I certainly don't see my sons autism as a negative. But, yes, read into it in a negative way if that makes you feel better. And BTW, I'm not neurotypical either.

My son's language has developed massively in the past two years. He's 9 now. He tells me about his interests and can remember to tell me he loves me or wish me a happy birthday (yes there's an element of repeating but it's still lovely to hear)

Just wanted to say your son sounds so similar to mine. My son is 7 and his language is just functional to get his needs met. I would love nothing more than to have a back and forward conversation with him , a bit of banter etc, but it's so out of reach right now. Even basics such as talking about what he did in school is difficult and he usually just says the same thing every day, like a script.
I find it hard when I overhear other children his age or younger chatting to their parents and having a full on commentary about things and it reminds me how delayed he is and it hurts.

@tattygrl yep, it's hard sometimes isn't it! I think sometimes it's easy for people forget that there are quite a lot of parents of autistic kids who are autistic themselves. SEN parenting is a tough gig, you can get quite laser focused/inward looking with it all (unless that was just a feature of being a SEN parent with the monotropism and hyperfocus that for me come with the 'tism 😁). It can therefore be hard to think outside your own bubble, and yes you're right, most people don't mean these things badly. We are all neuronormatively conditioned and all.

I thought your comment was bang on by the way 😃

@CrazyGoatLady I know, I always tread with care going into threads about autistic children. Some people are inadvertently very cutting with how they talk about autistic kids/autistic people in general. I don't think they mean it but I do think it's worth pointing out and reflecting how wary autistic adults are about entering conversations with parents of autistic kids. It's a definite thing and something that could be eased and improved by communication and understanding.

although still has some asd behaviours, is very intelligent and funny

Damn, I shouldn't come on these autism parent threads as an autistic adult.

I came on to link you this about gestalt language processing OP - how you can work with your child and support his language development in his way using his natural communication and language learning style. Many autistic folks are gestalt language processors as we tend to have "bottom up" cognitive processing as well.

https://www.famly.co/blog/gestalt-language-processing-ecolalia-in-the-early-years

Your shared language may look and feel a little different, but you absolutely can develop ways of communicating that will be unique to you and your bond with your wee lad, and nobody will have the same bond you have with him.

Both DSs are autistic (one AuDHD like me, one autistic like his dad), they are very different and both wonderful kids. Embracing and affirming your son for who he is - including any autistic traits he has, which are likely to evolve and change as he gets older, they won't disappear - will be the most valuable thing you can do for him. My two were late talkers (as was their dad as a wee one) but neither can shut up with their infodumping now. I know some non-autistic folks can find it tedious, but I honestly marvel at the things they can remember and retain and the depth of their passion for the things they love. I hope your wee lad develops a special interest that he can talk to you all about one day - it's a wonderful source of deep autistic joy.

Good luck to you and your family OP.

The first time my DC who has an autism diagnosis acknowledged my existence I collapsed in a heap crying. They were 3 then. Still pre-verbal now they are at primary school, however we have "conversation" without words.

DC knows a lot more than they let on, and adds a few more words to their vocabulary every now and then. No doubt as your DC gets older, they will find their own way of communicating with you.