To Q whether being a step-mum is worth it?

I would say no. I have kids and adore them but they are hard work and have to come first. Life and plans revolve around them. I cant imagjne being happy with those sacrifices if the kids weren't my own.

👏

You can have a relationship without meeting his DC for a year or 2.

I'd add to this that the parent must realise and accept that the new partner must come first sometimes and be a priority. If they don't have room in their life for an adult relationship then they should remain single for everyones sakes. Last thing their kids need is a parade of let down partners traipsing through.

I fully accepted when DSD emergencies arose (last minute school closures, A&E trips etc) and date nights were postponed. I would never have accepted that ex wanting to go out for a few drinks and needing childcare was an emergency I should be automatically rearranging my life around, for example.

You have to have boundaries or you have nothing IMO. The Step Parent board on here has a few tales to tell about step parents being reduced to household appliance status in the name of "the children come first" and it's not to be recommended.

The one that tends to work best is mum with children, fell off the face of the planet sperm donor with a step dad who has no children of his own where they have none together once together.

Just have to watch out for the noncey type of men preying on a mum of young-teen daughters in that situation too.

Couldn't think of anything worse, can't think of a single blended or step family that looks like it works well, the first kids always seem to pull the short straw. Doesn't look much fun for step mum either, only winner seems to be the bloke getting his dick around looking for someone to bear the brunt of parenting/housework.

I’d say you have a 2% chance of having one of those truly lovely blended families. Where everyone is genuinely happy and I don’t mean a the steps seem happy while secretly telling their mates they hate it.

Most people I know in real who are either now a step parent or where the step child wouldn’t do it again or wouldn’t inflict it upon their children.

One friend who goes around collecting new step daddies so I wouldn’t say it works for her either but she seems to enjoy it.

So I've been with my partner 7 years. He has a DS 19 and I have DD15 so they were a lot younger when we met.

Timing is everything. We have taken great holidays together etc but we are not moving in until next year.

I'd say you really need to look at the development stage/age and wait until it works for you and the DC.

Also his ex is pretty reasonable, this is definitely a factor.

I didn't date when mine were younger because I didn't want them to have a step parent.

I also didn't date men with children under around 15 for the same reason.

Differences in attitudes towards parenting, discipline, education and appropriate diets were more of an issue to le than there being an ex to navigate.

I have adult children as does my partner. I love my partners children as he does mine in that we care about and support them equally to our own. My youngest was 15 when we started dating. But they are very different people and had very different upbringings. I'm not sure either of our approaches would have suited the other 100%.

A lot can also depend on your DP's ex!

No, would not recommend. If you do, go in with very, very low expectations around the treatment you will receive and the level of priority you or any shared DC will ever take. Do not expect that any of your needs will ever be met and accept you will have all the responsibility of being a parent but that your opinion will never count for anything. You should also consider this a privilege.

I’d be thinking about:
How old the children are
What the relationship with the ex is like
What will the living situation be
What are your partners expectations

It’s taken us 15 years to get to a good place and it is far from perfect. I wouldn’t change it now, but there are times when I nearly got out and sometimes wonder if that would have been better.

Knowing what I know now I would also run in the other direction.
Head to the step parent board to hear all many reasons why this is a tough path

As a PP says, life is too short to make it difficult

I’ve known people be fine and people have issues. I guess it depends how much you like him. At the very least I would wait a LONG time before meeting them. That will be beneficial to all of you I would have thought.

To be fair I guess the step mothers who are having a wonderful life aren’t on MN telling everyone about it. The nature of these boards is you get a very screwed perspective. I’m not saying ‘go for it’ btw and I have no experience of it myself but I’m just saying it’s not going to be a representative sample on here starting posts about their experience.

Like others -if I had known how hard it would be I never would have done it.

Absolutely not. Stay away from anyone with kids. Life is too short to make it hard.

It's been nothing but issues.

I’ve made it to the other side, but I’d never recommend anyone does it, it’s literally been hell.

I'm not sure blended families work very well. Some do, granted.

I have been with partner for a few years and decided I don't want to be anything other to them than Dad's gf who they come across now & then. It's as much for them as it is me. No desire to move in together until possibly the kids are older.

I have 2 children and I don't want a SD for them either. I just want to focus on my children and not force anyone to share their space / life.

But there are people that choose to blend successfully, it's just not for me.

I wouldn't recommend it either. As so many have said, if I'd have known how hard it was going to be I would've ran a million miles in the other direction!

You'll get hugely varied views on this and a lot will depend on the children's other parent, the character of the children, how accepting they are, whether your partner allows/wants you to be an active parent etc

From personal experience it has been SO much harder than I ever could have imagined. I can't say I'd recommend it at all.

You don't have to be a step mum. My ex husband has had a girlfriend for over a year and she's never met the children. They keep their relationship entirely separate.

All my friends said ‘never again’ having known what they know now.

I was determined not to end up with a man with kids. I just knew it wouldn’t suit my nature. I’m quite jealous, maybe a little spoilt. I just would have no interest in playing second fiddle and being the second woman he experienced marriage and children with.

I'm still in touch with my stepchildren (I've known them since they were 7 & 9 and they are now 29 & 31) despite getting divorced from their dad. He's an arsehole, but they're great!

In the case we're I've seen it work successfully, the following are usually typical:

• the partner & their ex spouse have an amicable, respectful relationship with no legacy issues or bitterness
• the partner is emotionally mature and is a good parent
• there is a decent gap between the marraige breakdown/divorce and the new relationship
• the new partner realises and accepts that the children come first

I've never been a step mum but many friends have with varying degrees of success. All would say it's challenging but a few say it's worth it