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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it’s really hard to keep a child with a large appetite an appropriate weight

180 replies

Thedownstream · 14/10/2024 22:11

I have 3 DCs. DC1 and DC2 have always had massive appetites, ate every single thing I put in front of them from the moment I weaned them, never refused anything at nursery, never lost their appetites even when sick. DC1 didn’t eat anything remotely unhealthy until she was three, but by that time was quite a chunk (99th centile BMI). DC2 we did baby led weaning with due to the health advice that babies will not overeat if they feed themselves (which we found not to be true in her case). Both DC1 and 2 started school overweight, but DC1 has turned out to have quite a talent for sport which she plays twice per day everyday and now aged 9 is a beanpole.

DC2 aged 5 however could not be more different, she’s naturally very inactive and struggles with sport (although reluctantly attends some sports clubs for exercise). She is always hungry and will eat until she is sick if allowed. She would easily eat a adult sized burger and chips at a restaurant if allowed. I think our diet is relatively healthy but she’s evidently eating too much either at home, school or both.

I think she would be fine weight wise however if there wasn’t so much crap food offered / available to her everywhere we go. I’ll give some examples:

  • birthday parties - I’m the mum hovering over DC2 as the kind birthday mum and family try to encourage her to take 10 sandwiches, 5 slices of pizza, 50 chocolate fingers and 2 cupcakes at 3 in the afternoon, when half of the other kids are too busy playing to notice the food available.
  • The kind parents on the sidelines at DC1’s sports sharing their kids’ sweets and biscuits with her.
  • The mum who brings her child over for a play date and brings doughnuts for the kids.
  • The portion size and options on kids menus at pubs which always come with an included dessert (we avoid going out for lunch as a result).
  • The grandparents who do not listen when we say we’re trying to keep things healthy and please not to bake cakes for the kids.
  • The stickers given out at school to children who finish their food. DC2 is a people pleaser who loves a sticker.

I don’t know how to navigate all this without other parents thinking I’m obsessive, or without giving DC2 food issues, but equally she can’t keep eating all this food offered to her.

In DC1’s school year so many of the children who had some puppy fat in reception are now obese (and many who were stick thin in reception are too). I don’t want that for DC2.

DC3 has a much less healthy diet than DC2 as unlike his sisters he is an incredibly fussy eater who lives off about 20 foods and usually refuses lunch entirely at nursery. He also seems to know when to stop eating even if it is a food he loves. He’s really slim (trousers always falling down) and will be one of those children who can eat all the doughnuts in the world and not put on weight (probably because he then won’t eat anything else for the rest of the day).

So AIBU to think DC2 is destined for a life of being overweight or with a complex about food given her appetite and all the unhealthy food thrown at her (by others) on a regular basis?

OP posts:
Seeline · 15/10/2024 08:14

What is she eating for school dinners? I have yet to see any that are particularly healthy despite Jamie Oliver. It's usually cake or biscuit for pudding and very few 5 yo are going to choose an apple over that.
Most after school clubs only give something like toast and jam for tea too. That's not going to fill a growing child. Of course she's hungry when she gets in. Give her something healthy to eat rather than a snack.

Original poster
Thedownstream · 15/10/2024 08:12

Hi all, thank you to everyone for your comments I am taking them on board.

Drip feed coming now as the OP was already getting very long.

I was quite relaxed about DC2’s weight as DC1 had lost it all by about year 2 (I stressed a lot about DD1) but by age 4 it was clear DC2 was not going to be the active child DC1 is and we needed to think about it a bit more. She was in full time nursery so I asked them if they could just watch the snacks she was having (help yourself) and cut her portions for meals by about 10% (so she wouldn’t notice). They refused without the say so of a medical professional so I phone the HV who took her height and weight measurements over the phone and didn’t want to see her. Said as they were within 2 centiles (height was about 45th and weight 85th) she was ok. Now DD has a slight frame like me so if they’d seen her they’d have seen that was too much for her but they didn’t want to and nothing changed.

She put on quite a bit more weight after starting school (nursery food definitely more nutritious and smaller portions than school and afterschool care) and in the reception weigh in her BMI was on the 96th centile.

We did well as a family in the 6 months since that weigh in, helped by the fact it was spring / summer so much more pleasant for getting out and about, and despite two holiday abroad and copious ice creams and meals out she maintained her weight and actually dropped into a healthy BMI (albeit in the mid 80s).

I’m just feeling a bit down as she’s put weight back on since going back to school and I feel it’s all going to go south again over the winter. Her attendance at the sports she does is hanging by a thread as the weather gets colder (hates going to one of them already) and our garden is already a swamp.

Honestly, if my kids were all like my DC3 I’d be commenting like some of you who think she must have a terrible diet and eat huge amounts as he, due to real food aversions, eats a limited range of things not all of which are healthy (hence the chicken satay as that is literally the only meat he will eat, and it has to be the same brand), and he eats a lot of the things he will eat and I can’t get trousers to fit him.

This all said I’m motivated to do better now. She doesn’t drink nearly enough water (she’s only allowed water, just doesn’t drink much of it) which can’t be helping, and we could definitely do better on the snacks. We could do better than a wrap for lunch too, but often there just isn’t time as weekends are a juggle of clubs.

She won’t eat eggs unfortunately otherwise yes something like scrambled eggs would be a good breakfast.

OP posts:
TheRestIsEntertainment · 15/10/2024 08:09

I get you OP. I have 3 children with very different food attitudes, built quite differently.

One of them has the appetite of a horse, never full, does hours and hours of sport every week but still quite chubby.

Also with having 3 of them, it's not easy to feed them all. The younger two are unbelievably fussy and very much in the cereal/beige/pasta phase. I would end up (and I sometimes do) making multiple meals and multiple adjustments to meals for everyone. It's hard going.

Calliopespa · 15/10/2024 08:05

Frozensnow · 14/10/2024 22:26

I have 2 different children with food too. Eldest would graze all day if he could and is quite skinny (although has recently had a growth spurt.) we are often trying to encourage him to eat more. I wouldn’t say he’s healthy really, he is 12 so off to town with mates and eating all kinds of shite but stays skinny.

DC2 (9) does as much sports as her brother but loves food. Wants proper meals and would always ask for more if she could get her hands on it (she doesn’t have seconds). She’s by no means fat but has a lot more of a wobble on her belly by her brother and I can see how she could become fat much easier than him. I wouldn’t NEVER say this to her at all and I offer healthy snacks and meals. I just mean I can see how 2 siblings can be so different.

can you make her a packed lunch for school so you knows what she’s eating? Add eggs, cucumber, peppers, wholemeal tuna sandwich etc. I make mine a picky snack after school which she loves because it takes a while to eat- lots of little cut up fruit and veg, bits of chicken etc. keeps her full until tea time.

I do understand the difficulties at birthday parties etc especially when they’re 5 because they have constant parties at this age. I think it’s fine to say no to a doughnut if she’s already had one or had chocolate- just say to her it’s too much sugar and bad for teeth

I do agree op that two children can be built quite differently and gain and store with different patterns. It’s a shame people don’t remember this when criticising adults.

That said, you have to work with the child you have and if she’s going to parties etc, that’s fewer treats at home. Can you also try filling her plate as you would then just taking back a forkful of each food type ( except perhaps green veg) before giving it to her until you find the balance? Things like potato mash etc can contribute if her portions are too large.

The other thing I would say is that I think as she slims down, third parties might stop pushing the food at parties or choosing donuts to bring when they visit etc. It’s gross stereotyping, but I do think people subconsciously assume a heavier child loves treats ( and presume they are allowed them) so when trying to thank them / host them/ make them happy, they will perhaps gravitate towards pushing less healthy choices ( or more food) her way than they might otherwise. Just have some rules around party food: maybe no more than four finger sandwiches or savouries and a choice of one type of cake or donut and two small biscuits ( or whatever would be an improvement but still let her join in). It doesn’t hurt for them to learn you can enjoy party food, but within limits. She can also then say “ no thank you, I’ve had my cake” which might get some of the pushy mums off her back.

Ilovelurchers · 15/10/2024 08:03

These threads always concern me a little, because this kind of forum is good for many things, but it isn't a appropriate place for someone to get specific medical advice about their specific child, especially around an issue as sensitive as food/eating/obesity.

Put kindly, we can't see your child. We have no idea whether there is a genuine issue with her weight, or whether (as is really really common in this kind of scenario) the issue lies in your own feelings about weight, which are having an impact on the way you view and raise her.

Either way, you need to make an appointment with an HCP, who can see what your daughter actually weighs, and, if there is indeed an issue, talk to you about actual sensible diet plans. If there is no issue with your daughter they can maybe look at getting you some support for your concerns.

It's dangerous for people on here to weigh in with an opinion when we have no idea about the actual situation.

You are worried OP, you need support. Please contact your GP as a first port of call and explain the situation. And please be open to what they tell you, even if it's difficult to hear. Good luck!

Bunnycat101 · 15/10/2024 08:02

I have one child who is always hungry but she is tall and skinny at the moment- I feel like I will have to watch her if her activity drops as she will always like her food and can put it away. She’s never been overweight but could be if she wasn’t active. The other child eats like a bird and is tiny- she’s got quite a different off switch. Eg she sometimes won’t eat a whole ice cream because she’s full but that has never happened with my older one.

So I think there are differences in appetite that make a difference but you also have to be realistic that most kids in reception and year 1 are tiny so your 5 year old is already an outlier and statistically you do need to do something different to prevent her becoming obese later on.

PrimalLass · 15/10/2024 08:01

She has a small bowl of bran flakes for breakfast. She often tells me she’s hungry, but she can’t be right?

Of course she's hungry after a small bowl of bran flakes. Empty carbs and sugary milk. She needs protein.

cinapolada · 15/10/2024 07:59

Whole foods and exercise. My kids could eat for England, but are very slim. Active and we (mostly) eat well. Avoiding UPF where feasible means more filling foods.

soupfiend · 15/10/2024 07:59

Hellostrawberries · 14/10/2024 23:04

I completely agree with you OP. It's hard for people to understand who haven't experienced it. People are quick to judge parents of overweight children but don't consider how much input actually comes from the child. Both my now adult daughters have always been slim. They had small appetites as children. I literally could have given them keys to their own sweetshop and they'd have just got excited about looking around it, having the odd nibble.
I on the other hand was like your daughter. Always hungry and basically greedy. My mum cooked from scratch every night, it was the 70s. By age 5 I knew all the tricks. Offer to take my own plate into the kitchen after dinner, and while I was there search for leftovers or wolf down a slice of bread. Finish my friend's leftovers at school lunch and on playdates. Always hovered round the food table at parties. My mum tried as hard as she could to keep my weight down but didn't succeed.

Yes I was similar, always had a massive appetite right from a young child, would eat very big dinners, 2 sandwiches in my lunch bag at primary! Ate the lot

Its portion control OP, higher protein and exercise will help but they are side issues, its portions you need to get down, dont get obsessive with cutting stuff out, just smaller amounts of it, I see someone was criticising a satay stick on the first page, this is obsessive, its fine, but make sure its a nibble if its meant to be a snack

When you have no off switch you learn to be really frightened of hunger, its unpleasant and overpowering, Ive learned that hunger isnt terrible, its just something that shows me I'll be eating soon, I can cope. I didnt feel comfortable with that for decades and have learned it very late

2Rebecca · 15/10/2024 07:52

I'd stop the sweets. Most adults don't eat sweets most weeks. Drop them and have apples as snacks. I'd drop crisps as a regular meal feature too

Sugargliderwombat · 15/10/2024 07:47

I'd change breakfast to protein ( PP has said but frozen omelette bites or egg cups are brilliant) and cut all sweets / crisps/ processed snacks. The salt, sugar and all the other crap In those sends your appetite haywire.

angellinaballerina7 · 15/10/2024 07:39

If you’re so convinced that it’s the food other people offer her that’s causing a problem, YABU to keep allowing it to happen. Loads of parents are stricter with sugar these days, it’s hardly unusual to turn down offers of food you don’t want your child to eat.

nationalsausagefund · 15/10/2024 07:38

wandawaves · 14/10/2024 23:55

These threads are always good fun.

"OP it's all your fault with the awful food you're feeding her and the lazy behaviours" (never mind your skinny kid that's getting raised in the exact same household).

"OP you should swap out your crap food for cheese omelette served with cheese on a wrap, or a cheese sandwich, or sausages and hashbrowns, they're MUCH more nutritious and low calorie for an overweight child" 😂

I particularly enjoyed “give her a chicken thigh to gnaw on” and the insanely complicated yet no-time-at-all protein wrap bites with multiple fillings including chopping an onion and using an air fryer, something we all have time for while getting ready for school and work, a notoriously leisurely part of the day.

GreyCarpet · 15/10/2024 07:35

No point listening to people who think bran flakes are junk food but baby bels, sausage patties and hashbrowns etc are great choices.

Hash browns will have the same effect on blood sugar/insulin release as branflakes. Baby bels are much better in that respect and they will have very little impact on insulin levels due to a much lower sugar content.

High meat (98%) content sausages would also be a better option for the same reason.

Lowering carb intake is better for hormone balancing which reduces appetite and stops the sugar highs and crashes.

GreyCarpet · 15/10/2024 07:31

Thedownstream · 14/10/2024 22:23

Unfortunately due to our work she has more like 40 meals per month at school as she has lunch and tea there. Most people I know give their children a second tea after tea at afterschool club but DC2 only has a tiny amount of food when she gets home (usually protein based, such as some chicken satay sticks). She has a small bowl of bran flakes for breakfast. She often tells me she’s hungry, but she can’t be right?

Show quote history

Unless you making chicken satay sticks from scratch, they are a upf. As are bran flakes.

She'd be better off with a high protein breakfast.

Branflakes are pure carbs so she will get a suger spike followed by a crash and feel hungry again.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of misinformation about what a 'healthy' diet actually is and a lot of people believe they are eating healthily when they sometimes couldn't be eating much less healthily.

If her snacks are toast and high carb fruits, they will have the same impact on her weight as sweets and biscuits albeit.

BrainLife · 15/10/2024 07:24

Do some Google searches for healthy meals. There are lots. My son is also 5 and eats like a teenager but we do lots of exercise. No sweets apart from after school on a friday and on saturday. Exercise doesn't have to be sports clubs. We just go to the playground, go on walks, dance about the house, etc.

MissTrip82 · 15/10/2024 07:24

I’d make an appointment with a paediatric dietitian and get up to date advice on portion sizes and ideas about what to do.

No point listening to people who think bran flakes are junk food but baby bels, sausage patties and hashbrowns etc are great choices.

ThisHangryPinkBalonz · 15/10/2024 07:21

Any possibility she has a thyroid problem?

Or maybe its boredom or Routine? Just eating because.

Sneakybusiness · 15/10/2024 07:17

Bran flakes contains wheat and sugar. That’s it. It’s a bad breakfast. We have fresh fruit, wholemeal
toast and peanut butter and a boiled egg (cold from the fridge).

Commonsense22 · 15/10/2024 07:11

Thedownstream · 14/10/2024 22:23

Unfortunately due to our work she has more like 40 meals per month at school as she has lunch and tea there. Most people I know give their children a second tea after tea at afterschool club but DC2 only has a tiny amount of food when she gets home (usually protein based, such as some chicken satay sticks). She has a small bowl of bran flakes for breakfast. She often tells me she’s hungry, but she can’t be right?

Show quote history

I totally get it OP. I'm like your dd: if there's a buffet I can't ignore it. I'm always hungry, always have been, never go off my food. I always finish my plate. I take seconds. Thirds.
Luckily I have a strong metabolism but I know I eat 3 times more than others. Always have done, always will.

I would also try to focus on activity.

SoreHeadInBed · 14/10/2024 23:58

Sorry, I thought she was about 12! I've just re-read that she's 5! That's v young. She really doesn't need sweets and snacks and things at that age! and make sure the portion sizes are not too big :) It's really ok to say no to her, and to ask her friends to stop giving her sweets (they r 5! You r in control!)

I'm.pretty sure at that age mine were never really allowed sweets, except at Halloween. Really a 5 year old is completely dependent on you and what you allow and don't allow. Be a bit stricter and more in control.

(Can you try porridge at breakfast, it's v filling and v healthy!)

wandawaves · 14/10/2024 23:55

These threads are always good fun.

"OP it's all your fault with the awful food you're feeding her and the lazy behaviours" (never mind your skinny kid that's getting raised in the exact same household).

"OP you should swap out your crap food for cheese omelette served with cheese on a wrap, or a cheese sandwich, or sausages and hashbrowns, they're MUCH more nutritious and low calorie for an overweight child" 😂

Snowpaw · 14/10/2024 23:53

I wouldn't be giving a 5 year old bran flakes for breakfast - way too high fibre and won't keep her full at all. Try a couple of eggs cooked in a knob of butter. Something protein based that will keep her blood sugar stable and keep her satisfied and not searching around for the next thing to eat.

TentEntWenTyfOur · 14/10/2024 23:47

Hellostrawberries · 14/10/2024 23:04

I completely agree with you OP. It's hard for people to understand who haven't experienced it. People are quick to judge parents of overweight children but don't consider how much input actually comes from the child. Both my now adult daughters have always been slim. They had small appetites as children. I literally could have given them keys to their own sweetshop and they'd have just got excited about looking around it, having the odd nibble.
I on the other hand was like your daughter. Always hungry and basically greedy. My mum cooked from scratch every night, it was the 70s. By age 5 I knew all the tricks. Offer to take my own plate into the kitchen after dinner, and while I was there search for leftovers or wolf down a slice of bread. Finish my friend's leftovers at school lunch and on playdates. Always hovered round the food table at parties. My mum tried as hard as she could to keep my weight down but didn't succeed.

Thank goodness. Someone has actually said it. The G word, I mean.

SoreHeadInBed · 14/10/2024 23:45

Thedownstream · 14/10/2024 22:40

So during the week we both work and so no option for a cooked breakfast. At the weekend we are also usually out really early for sports. I think bran flakes is pretty good for a breakfast.

DC1 (big appetite very active not overweight) has twice the size breakfast of DC2.

Exercise mid week is limited. I think that could be a big issue. Afterschool club is sedentary. They do offer an ‘active’ activity but it’s usually dodgeball and it’s not much fun being 5 and having older kids pelt you with balls, so she and the little kids do crafts.

Weekends she does football, hockey and swimming and is often taken to watch her sister play sport and is on her feet for that. Sometimes she runs about with her brother. Sometimes she watches the iPad of another child watching (we don’t bring an iPad but there is often a child there with one).

Weekend food would typically be branflakes, wrap and veg sticks for lunch, 2x snacks (one usually crisps / crackers / cereal bar as out and about), dinner spaghetti bolognese with small amount of fruit afterwards. Plus whatever sweets she’s been offered whilst watching DC1 play sport.

Show quote history

Hi OP

I understand how hard this is. My oldest put on a lot of weight after stopping competitive swimming and continuing to eat the same amount of food! (competitive swimmers eat A LOT!!) But within about 6 months of my noticing his increasing waistline, a few small changes (that he didn't even notice) bought him right back to a healthy weight (and actually just this morning he was looking a little skinny, so might need to readjust again in the opposite direction now!!). His brother is, and has always been, a bean pole who can eat whatever he likes and never put on weight. So it's hard!

My oldest is shorter relative to his age, than the younger brother and I do think height makes a difference. Taller, faster growing kids do need more calories. Puberty timing is also a factor.

But just looking at what your DC is eating from your post, I'd say on a weekend cut out the snacks - if she's eating sweets she doesn't need snacks too! (or give her the choice - she can have snacks or sweets) and I'd make sure if she is given sweets, then there is a limit regarding how many sweets she has. It won't give her eating issues to be told to go easy on the sweets - it's a good opportunity to teach that these are ok as a treat on the weekend, but it will make her poorly to have too many and moderation is very important (her sister needs to know this too! Just because one doesn't put on weight from eating sweets, doesn't mean they can still eat as many as they like!!)...

Spaghetti Bolognese for dinner, as long as the portion size is nice a small, is fine (and avoid loads of cheese on the top!). Branflakes for breakfast is good! A wrap can have a surprisingly large amount of calories depending on what kind of wrap it is! So maybe just check the calories of what's in the wrap, and the wrap itself, and check u aren't over filling!

During the week, I'd say she doesn't need two dinners. Either she eats at after school club and just has an apple.or something at home, or vice versa. She doesn't need both. If she's starving give some veggie sticks and maybe a couple of bread sticks. That's all she needs after already having eaten at after school.club.

Id also maybe talk to your DC about healthy options at school - does she always need a pudding? That pizza slice? Is there a salad option or jacket potato? Can she take pack lunch? (my oldest found that he couldn't eat healthily at school, even though he wanted to, because they just didn't have healthy options he liked! So he now takes pack lunch - something like a small portion of a rice dish, or tomato pasta, and a piece of fruit for desert)

On the weekend, can you do some cooking together and take healthy snacks you've made, to sports? Getting her involved in cooking is a great way to educate about nutrition :) She can share out her homemade healthy snakcs and maybe the other kids will get on board with it and stop the sweets!

Good luck OP