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AIBU?

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Original poster

I am too old, aren’t it?

308 replies

OrangeKettle · 14/10/2024 21:51

I think I know the answer I’ll get from everyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I used to read posts on here, with women in a similar situation, and know I should leave, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed to. It was the best thing I ever did. It took me years to realise what had happened and that it wasn’t normal, and to start getting over it.

7 years later, I met someone who is the complete opposite. The kindest, generous, nicest, helpful man ever. Looks after me constantly. We’ve never had a cross word. Hard working, supportive, etc. We now live together too.

I have two children from my first marriage. One is early teens, one is slightly younger.

My partner has no children. He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I would love another child. I know he would. He would also be a fab dad. Not like my ex.

However…. I am 44. He is 7 years younger. I am in a better situation (mentally) and still very active. I have periods every 28 days. Still ovulate at the “right” time (despite having coil, I still get periods).

But, it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’m too old, aren’t I?

OP posts:
toomanyjobsforonewoman · 14/10/2024 22:17

NO go for it ! And congrats on having got out of such an abusive relationship into a nice one . Sounds like you both deserve every happiness OP

Pandasnacks · 14/10/2024 22:16

The chances of success are slim, but if you want to remove the coil and try then why not? Just don't delay it

Sailonsilverrgirl · 14/10/2024 22:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Julen7 · 14/10/2024 22:15

Not too old but realistically at 44 your chances of conceiving naturally are slim

TookTheBook · 14/10/2024 22:15

Really in your heart of hearts you think this would be a good thing for your existing children? Poor kids.

felissamy · 14/10/2024 22:13

Not too old. I did it. Am very happy. See if it works.

Birdscratch · 14/10/2024 22:13

Why not get checked out. You won’t know for sure unless you do.

teenmaw · 14/10/2024 22:12

For me personally, now my kids are teens I'm enjoying finding my own fun again, also post EA marriage...it would not be for me, starting all that again but then I've not met anyone else and my life is going down a different path. Do I think objectively you're too old? No, but subjectively I'd be running a mile from the idea. If you want that for you though then go for it!

Thisismetooaswell · 14/10/2024 22:11

No I don't think you're too old. If you're both keen why not just try

Dogpawssmellgreat · 14/10/2024 22:10

yeaitsmeagain · 14/10/2024 22:08

You would be giving up your relationship with him to be a parent again. That's what parents do, which is why everyone on here complains about their partner and not their kids. Do you want to give that up?

This is an excellent point. Also every single study says relationships become unhappier once a baby enters the mix.

You are probably just broody or peri hormonal op. You can override it and think with your logical brain!

Dogpawssmellgreat · 14/10/2024 22:09

'He’s mentioned having my coil removed and seeing what happens.'

He seems very casual about it.

You say he'll be a 'good dad'. Don't forget being a 'good dad' is in any way similar to be a good mum. You will do the majority of the grunt work, guaranteed.

yeaitsmeagain · 14/10/2024 22:08

You would be giving up your relationship with him to be a parent again. That's what parents do, which is why everyone on here complains about their partner and not their kids. Do you want to give that up?

user12343333333334 · 14/10/2024 22:08

I had my fourth and last baby (unplanned) at 41. It was scary having an amnio, but testing has improved now, I think.
The pregnancy and birth were the easiest of them all. But I was a lot more tired.

Dogpawssmellgreat · 14/10/2024 22:05

I think what @ComtesseDeSpair says. I think most men aren't actually that fussed about having children tbh.

I don't have kids and wanted them at one point - IVF etc.

I'm 42 now and consider myself too old.

If you are happy with two children why take the risk? Yes sure you might live happily ever after but your partner isn't fussed and what if your THIRD child (how many do you really need?) has disabilities?
What if you have an awful pregnancy? Your DP goes from unfussed to unhappy? What if his uselessness only presents itself once you have a child (like apparently is the case with so many men talked about on here...)?
I wouldn't take the risk. Be happy. All sounds ideal right now.

EwwSprouts · 14/10/2024 22:05

It would impact all four of you. Sleepless nights all round. Mix that with teen moodiness. Personally I wouldn't. There is a lot to be said for not rocking a pretty content boat.

OnYourTogs · 14/10/2024 22:05

I adopted my only at 44, it was a bit old no doubt. But he's 16 now and it's been brilliant every step of the way, not a single regret.

Garlicbest · 14/10/2024 22:05

Purpleroseofbiro · 14/10/2024 21:56

Not too old but its a can of worms all the same. If you start to try and really want to have a child then you have losses, have to do IVF or whatever it could tear you and your relationship apart. Very hard to stay dispassionate about it once you start down that path.

This, plus do make VERY sure he's got a handle on the realities of life with a baby, toddler and young child. You're not too old to parent again in your late forties and fifties, but please don't gloss over the strains and risks.

Original poster
OrangeKettle · 14/10/2024 22:04

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/10/2024 22:01

He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

All of the men I’ve known to say this have essentially meant “I’m not fussed about children and I’m actually quite relieved that I don’t actually have to vocalise that.” If he really wanted a child then why has he not so much as suggested that you could try and see what happens? Be careful you don’t end up being the driving force for a baby he’s actually half-hearted about and you end up doing the bulk of the care for.

He has. He’s mentioned having my coil removed and seeing what happens.

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 14/10/2024 22:04

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/10/2024 22:01

He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

All of the men I’ve known to say this have essentially meant “I’m not fussed about children and I’m actually quite relieved that I don’t actually have to vocalise that.” If he really wanted a child then why has he not so much as suggested that you could try and see what happens? Be careful you don’t end up being the driving force for a baby he’s actually half-hearted about and you end up doing the bulk of the care for.

Completely agree with this.

LoveTheRainAndSun · 14/10/2024 22:02

If you want to and it happens, then you're clearly not too old. It wouldn't be my choice but that doesn't mean it's not right for someone else.

YOOHOOITSMEEE · 14/10/2024 22:02

i have a friend thats pregnant with twins at 53
naturally conceived and tried for

im 44 soon, single but would love another baby

if you want another then bugger what others think defiantly go for it

SabreIsMyFave · 14/10/2024 22:01

I don't know whether to pick YANBU or YABU, but yeah 44 is too old to try for a baby IMO.

You will get the 'I and every woman I know had 5 kids after 40' brigade popping up soon though. Many of them will have had their last one at 47-52.

Don't do it!

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/10/2024 22:01

He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

All of the men I’ve known to say this have essentially meant “I’m not fussed about children and I’m actually quite relieved that I don’t actually have to vocalise that.” If he really wanted a child then why has he not so much as suggested that you could try and see what happens? Be careful you don’t end up being the driving force for a baby he’s actually half-hearted about and you end up doing the bulk of the care for.

Overthebow · 14/10/2024 22:00

It’s a personal choice. Personally I would be too old at 44 as I wouldn’t want the increased risk of miscarriage, complications and disabilities and I wouldn’t want to be 60 with a teenager, but others do have them at that age and are very happy.

HappyDane · 14/10/2024 22:00

Not too old at all! I mean I wouldn't personally want to do it...but if you do there's no reason why you can't at least try and see what happens.

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