Husband wants me to stop working

I think whilst they’re little, surely this is perfect? It’s not all about money, keeping your brain going and a toe in what you do is very helpful long term!

Your DH is being an idiot and his weaponising of the children is not on. HOWEVER, is some of his frustration because he gets home from work and then has to parent on his own (they’re his children, I know) and you all miss out on family time? I don’t think you should give up work but have you maybe looked at supply teaching so you’re earning money and keeping your teaching skills fresh but also not using all of your evenings, or even condensing your tutoring into two evenings a week?

I’ll be honest, I work full time and if DH then used the time when I got home every evening to work from home (which can be quite disruptive, I do it myself) then I’d probably get irritated too.

Don't stop work he's being controlling and doesn't want to parent his own children.
It's nice for you to have your own money.

100%

I had similar manipulations from my husband and my mother-in-law when I was trying to get back to work. The amount of pressure they put on me manipulating with “mom’s guilt” was enormous but I didn’t care. Why should my life and career be over because WE decided to have a child?

I have a rule - I NEVER fully rely on a man. I want to be financially independent. Of course when we get married we all believe in “death do us parts” but life is long and if anything happens to our marriage in the future I will be independent with my own career, income, savings, pension etc.

I think he's just moaning and being 'woe is me.'
The thing is, on the face if it, your work hours (7 per week?) sound like nothing.
But, like many men who work and only see their kids in the evening, he probably thinks that those three evening hours are 'everything,' 'Patenting', to him, is three hours per night, plus weekends. That's the 'whole thing' as far as he comprehends. Whereas, to you, having been with the kids all day, the three hours at the end if the day are not particularly significant - it's just the tail-end of things. Not the 'main event', so to speak.

So in his mind, he's thinking, why is she taking herself off every / most evenings during 'peak family time.' He doesn't understand that 'peak family time' for you has already been all day and so the evening is neither here nor there.

If you really enjoy tutoring, he should support you. Could you re-structure so that rather than doing 1 hour or 30 mins most nights, you do one or two evenings when you get them all in?

Yes. I mean, I don’t want the time back. Being a SAHP would have been utterly miserable for me. Being a mother became enjoyable once it was combined with a fulfilling professional life.

Funny how the phrase ' you can never get the time back' is only ever said to women who dare to work.

Maybe he should apply that phrase to himself and enjoy the time he's getting to spend on his own with his children.

Your OP says Monday 6-7 and Friday 5-7.30, is this aswell as the above? So you only have a Wednesday evening free and the weekend?

I’m going against the grain here and agree with your OH, you either want to be SAHM or you don’t, working 3 evenings a week whilst the children are around doesn’t really achieve that and it sounds like he just wants you around of an evening to have family time with you and the children which is nice for them to have mum and dad around for dinner together. he is right that you just don’t get that time back and if you can afford to have that time with them then you are very lucky BUT if you need to work for your own sanity then you both need to agree a compromise that makes everyone happy. Could you not take a part time teaching job says 2 days a week if you want to teach?

Why is it not fine for you to choose to work but he can? Red flag central. Keep working, increase hours if possible

Ridiculous comment.
She's literally only working a few hours a week.

It's clearly nothing to do with her working and everything to do with the fact he's having to do some childcare!

Tell him you're thinking about giving up work and instead you'll be:

Mondays 19:30-20:30 - gym, home by 21:30

Tuesdays 20:00-20:30 - seeing a friend, home by 22:00

Thursdays until 20:15 - Pilates class, home by 20:45

What's his reply?

So, he wants you losing your job skills, financially wholly dependent on him, and doing all the child-rearing (and I bet all the other work around the home as well).

Red flags all over.

But moans about it and tells OP that she needs to be spending more time with them?

Not cool. Snide and unsupportive. I would lose my shit, personally.

Clearly he does he's doing bedtime with them every night!

Does that mean that DH doesn't like his children?

You don't like your DH do you OP literally anytime you could spend with him you're working!

Two questions:

1. Why should he not also enjoy this time with his child? It's a bit strange when you are already the main care-taker, yet you should spend even more time with the child. Nothing wrong with spending time with your own child, but why is he not doing the same?
2. Why is he weaponizing the child to guilt-trip you into not working? It's not okay to place a child (especially one that young) in between the petty squabbles of the parents. That is to say, I think you husband is really petty trying to make you and child feel bad by "communicating" in that way.

Anyway, these are the things that popped into my head when I read your first post.

Time flies very quickly enjoy it while you can. Mine are 18 and 21 and I don't know where the time went, I loved spending quality time with my kids. Then once they are both in school you can work again.

Please don't.

Motherhood is the most beautiful life, it is also the most testing, most exhausting, yet one day they will become independent, and then what? What do you do?

You're a mother. Motherhood will always be one of your main priorities, you're also a priority.

You cannot provide oxygen to a child if you haven't put your own mask on......

You have to for your own MH wellbeing find a balance and if you've hit yours then you need to explain to husband. Fully and honestly. If he still doesn't back off then I don't know cos I personally don't like conflict.

But why is defining what “time for yourself” should mean to you? You are choosing to use this “time for yourself” to teach. He clams you could use the time for something else but why not use it for teaching? I would argue that if you start being out of the house at these exact times doing exercise for example, he would also have a problem with that. He just sees any childcare as your responsibility and not his.

What everyone said about not wanting to do the childcare - I agree. Surely as a SAHM if you want to join a gym or do something for yourself you can do that during the day. Once the kids are out of school you are with them from 3-4 hours a day, even on the days you're working, your weekends are free, you finish at a reasonable time so you can spend the evening together...the only rational explanation is that he doesn't want to parent alone.

So you were already putting into your pension from the family pot?
If so that's good but I doubt it matches his pension.

I'll be honest I suspect he just doesn't want to look after his own kids, he's happy for you to work if it does affect his lifestyle

He has started to get quite unsupportive about my teaching and today said to my two year old ‘you can’t go to mummy, she’s teaching as that’s what she’s chosen to do’.

I've only just seen this.
I would hit the fucking roof if my husband said this.

I really hope you made it clear that it's unacceptable? @3boysandadog23

Absolutely this.

It makes my hackles rise just thinking about arseholes like this.