Partner and female co worker

OP, has reading all the responses here helped you see things any more clearly? I must admit I've been surprised that there have been so few accusations, of you stopping him having friends, so it seems clear to me, that the vast majority of us, would react in the same way that you have. You know what you have to do. Take care of yourself.

YANBU
He clearly can't keep himself away from her. He just has to while you are around. It's so shit and I'm sorry OP 😔

I'm all for having male female friendships. But telling each other they have this wonderful connection and them meeting up only when you're not around is snide as fuck. I'd be livid if my partner prioritised a colleague over me too.

@SpanThatWorld yes colleagues. OP is talking about a friend this woman is her DP’s friend. My DP has a friend from work and I’ve met her. They talk outside of work, she is a friend like all his other friends. There is a distinction here, I talk to my colleagues all day but I don’t hang out with many of them outside of work, we don’t text outside of work. I just know them at work. If we did, they are my friend and my DP and I would meet each others friends.

Red flags everywhere and even if he did cool it and not see her again I don't think I could look at him in the same way to be honest.

They are both testing the waters and she's clearly very desperate or bored to drive for an hour to go on a dog walk with someone she has a passing interest in 'being friends with'. Pull the other one love.

I would get rid, let her have him and see how long it lasts when they really get to know each other.

He’s a ticking time bomb. If not this woman it’ll be the next. But next time he’ll know to hide it better from the very start to avoid raising your suspicions. Sorry, I don’t see a future for you two. At least not a happy one. He’s out for secret thrills.

I have never met any of my husband's colleagues.

He hadn't met any of mine until the wedding last year. I have good friends amongst my colleagues but with don't socialise with partners at all.

YANBU!

I’ve been the naive wife when exDH got with the “just a friend” at work.

My now DH gets on with the women he works with and has met them for work purposes etc and I don’t flinch. I absolutely would if I was in your shoes… some of what you’ve said isn’t right with his behaviour and those texts.

Absolutely not! He likes her and they have a connection...NO! Trust your gut

@SpanThatWorld Ive met my partners colleagues, especially if they are female and he has a friendship with them. We don’t hang out all the time but it would be weird if I hadn’t met them and he talks to them frequently.

Also the OP did this because she was making it clear he could be friends with her, just not secret friends. She wanted it to be more open and upfront and get to know this woman who is becoming so close to her partner. I do not see how this is an issue. She isn’t just a colleague if she is a friend, and most people meet their partners friends

It might be that it's a challenge for her to get him away from you. A bit of fun.
Another point is that he is flattered by the attention from her and while you were away he took the opportunity to do this long walk that he wouldn't have been able to do had you been there.
On the positive side, it does sound as if he wants to be honest with you, and tell you some version of the truth. Maybe he is kidding himself.
Anyway, moving on, I would have a very frank talk to him about what is likely to happen down the line if he doesn't man up and tell the pink-haired temptress to find herself a man who is actually available: he'll lose you, and maybe her too, as he'll no longer be a challenge. Time for him to decide.
I do think that a lot of men are a bit weak when it comes to attractive women. It's a good job that the women DH works with don't fancy him or I'd be having that conversation too.

I would say i was pretty laid back - my husband has a few close women friends - one is an ex he was engaged to - but it's all above board etc etc. This - your situation - isn't. He lied and hid from you. Im sorry but i would be questioning everything now. How disrespectful to you.

I did offer to host her here so she can see us as a couple

Why would a work colleague want to see you as a couple? I have barely a passing interest in my colleagues' partners and certainly wouldn't bring my husband to meet a colleague's wife. Jeez, the utter tedium of meeting my colleagues' husbands when one of our team got married last year was bad enough.

My last partner left me for someone he'd met through work.
Current husband has managed to resist the temptation to leave me for over 25 years
History does not have to repeat itself.

I think you're right to state your boundaries and given that he knows what happened to you before, it's cruel of him to say you're being over the top and unreasonable! I don't know if I would still want to be with him if he is so dismissive of his partner's feelings.

she's having relationship issues? So funny, cos so are you, but unfortunately your dp isn't being very understanding.

Yeah you're not hysterical. Even if nothings happened, he likes the attention and is prioritising it over your feelings.
My DP has had female work friends over the years as well as from childhood and uni. Occasionally he's met them outside work before I've met them, which I'm fine with, but I do usually meet them eventually and some have become close friends. He'd never share selfies, meet them in secret or tell them they have a 'connection'! And it's just as often, if not more, been with male friends or gay women, so I'm very comfortable it's just being sociable - we've moved a lot and both need to meet new people!
Some of my friends think me and DP are too relaxed about opposite sex friends, but we do have clear boundaries and your DP's behaviour sounds dodgy to me. Don't let him think your response is the problem.

Grossly I assume he has been test driving this woman to see if she is a good fit. I assume this is what people are doing when exploring an emotional connection with a new person before jumping from a relationship, or deciding to stay with their partner if the new person doesn’t make the grade. I wouldn’t spend too much energy being angry at her. She does know about you, but through his lens of what he portrays that makes him look like the nice guy. If it’s not physical then it’s an emotional affair by the sounds of things.

This for me is key, OP. My DH has a good friend at work; she’s younger than him, and attractive. But if I wanted to join them when they meet (outside of work), I could. I mean, I wouldn’t want to, but I could. And that means I’m okay with it — NOT because I’m a ‘cool wife’ but because there’s no vibe, to use your expression. And the vibe is everything.

Nah, he’s taking the fucking piss

Thank you @TheLever you posted much more articulately what I was trying to express.

It gives me the rage on OP's behalf. How dare he. OP please leave this guy.

Don't drag it out OP, or the moment will never be right. Just get rid of him, while you still have the power and self respect.

@TodayandThursday well he has to set up OP as the bad guy here because he can’t admit to his co worker that being in a serious long term relationship and flirting with a co worker that you admit to finding attractive is crap behaviour. This is the worst bit, that he is making OP out to be some irrational damaged woman who can’t handle a little dog walk… he is gaslighting you OP and testing your boundaries to see what you will put up with

Yeah op he is very much into her and you know it, we all know it. Tell him it's you or her and his reaction will be deciding factor on your relationship. What a couple of dicks.