Partner and female co worker

YANBU at all OP and I would say it’s time to leave. If he is prepared to withhold things from you, gaslight you and put his friendship with her before your relationship then it’s time for him to go.

Im really sorry but don’t let yourself get into the same situation as last time. He’s treated you like shit by doing what he has done so far.

No. You have.

This isnt a general chat about friendships in the office. It's about how it pertains to the OP's situation or at least should be. The PP is totally right: if you're not sending selfies to these younger male friends and going for long walks together then it's irrelevant.

I would have dumped him based on those text messages alone. They do not sound like messages between platonic friends. When they met up behind your back while you were on holiday that was a breach of trust and again he would have been dumped. When he then has gone to the woman to tell her that they can't see each other because basically your a crazy anxious woman that again would have been a dumping offence. It sounds to me that there is likely something already going on or will be soon. I've no idea why you're still with this man. Are you just waiting to be shit on some more? You deserve much better.

@Dwappy I 100% agree. I let my husband carry on with a friendship that to me was a bit off- he was 40, she was 21 and did bits of work for us- years later I found 'stuff' in a drawer poems and songs etc he had written which clearly showed he had 'a thing for her' and he admitted it was 'a big crush' although he says it was one sided only and totally in his head- guess I will never know but it did show there's nothing wrong with my gut instinct. I do think women can have all kinds of friendships with different people and it be just that - a friendship- and that's why some women don't get it-

I'm 62 now and worked in lots of environments and I've rarely met a bloke who can be arsed with maintaining a friendship with a woman , enough of one to actually put themselves out, make arrangements etc , unless there was either an attraction or someone who could advance a career .

If my OH was telling another woman they had a connection and sending selfies I would not be very happy at all, he is acting like he dating her.

@Pantspangles oh goodness, I’ve realised that I am Mavis too!

It’s the hiding that’s shit.

You’ve completely missed the point.

Do you drive an hour to meet them outside of work and purposely dont tell your partner?
Do you tell your partner that they "look good"?
Do you spend ages texting them selfies?

There's a difference between true friendship and these types of obviously flirting and fancying each other friendships. Anyone who can't see that obviously hasn't ever experienced one. It's very very obvious when it's not a normal friendship.
When I met my husband he had a few female friends. One wasn't "normal". Everyone could see this. In the past other mutual friends had made comments that they should just "get together and be done with it". So when he asked me out I agreed but was cautious. After a while I could see she was getting upset that I was kind of muscling in on what she clearly thought of as HER best friend. She'd constantly ring and text him trying to get him to go round immediately to help her with various things. Telling him they needed to go for dinner as it had been SOOO LONG! Asking why he was "abandoning" her when he wasn't available every weekend to see her.
I eventually gave him what people here would probably consider an ultimatum. I said I'm not getting involved in this weird dynamic so if you want to stay friends with her that's fine, but I'm off. I don't consider it an ultimatum. I consider it setting my own boundaries. He "chose" me. He still has 2 other really close female friends he sees with and without me quite regularly. I have no problem with those.

So I don't see what the OP said as controlling. She's saying by all means you carry on, but you can do it as a single person. That's not telling him what to do. That's giving him a choice. He's more than welcome to carry on the friendship. But not while being in a relationship with the OP. I think that's your boundaries. Whether you agree with the reasoning or not, the OP is entitled to whatever boundaries she chooses.

isnt it rather strange that these "friendships" never happen with Colin from accounts or older women in the office.

They do sometimes. I have two male friends I met at work who are both the same age as my son.

I'm afraid I agree with this too. As for the "he has a right to have friendships" - of course he does but isnt it rather strange that these "friendships" never happen with Colin from accounts or older women in the office. It's always women much younger who according to him "look good".

Strange that- my friendships dont only consist of much younger hot men who drive an hour to see me....

Trust your gut and dump.
He was dishonest to do what he did and he knows it.
Let him call you hysterical if he wants.
He wouldn't be someone I would trust further.
He has 100% broken your trust.
He is trying to shut you down.
Dump him.

Trust your gut. From my own experience guys can't see the fine line between friendship and flirtation and how that will build up expectations on the, so, girl friend. Also I find guys incredible immature to hold a friendship with another woman, if she's something new in his life. Most likely it will escalate for something else if both are keen in keeping this friendship outside work, her knowing he has a partner, him knowing you're uncomfortable with this relationship.

Your partner’s co-worker is trying to steal your man, and doing a really great job of making you look like the crazy one. Feelings of insecurity are normal! It’s not a bad thing to feel insecure, it’s your body giving you a warning sign! Your partner isn’t hiding what he’s doing from you, he came clean about going on the walk behind your back. Nor did your ex hide it from you, they’re doing it in plain sight and you really need to be honest with yourself about what is happening right in front of you. Don’t let your partner or his “friend” gaslight you.

While I don’t know the intricate details of your situation and the devil is always in the details, on the face of it I wouldn’t want to stay with a partner whose head is so easily turned. If the relationship is worth saving then have a very frank conversation with him. Ask him straight out if he has feelings for this woman. he’s obviously seeking female connection and perhaps that is missing in your relationship? Tell him you want to work on that, if it’s the case. Maybe you have your own issues in the relationship too that are causing you to withdraw from him?

The other alternative is he’s just a cad who thinks he deserves better and in that case you should end the relationship on your own terms.

Sorry this is happening, OP.

You’re not being over-sensitive. I honestly think you should end it because he is already walking away from the relationship and now sneaking around with another woman. Don’t wait for him to gaslight you and insult you further. 🌸

How's it going OP? Easy to know what to do, not always easy to actually do it.

Trust your gut. Friends don’t have to talk about the fact that they’re friends, let alone talk about a ‘connection’. She’s after him and he’s enjoying it. He shouldn’t need you to tell him not to carry on a flirtation outside work, and he shouldn’t be telling her that you’ve told him to stop. It only reassures her that he’s attracted to her and that you’re jealous.

That’s hugely disrespectful. Get rid.

There’s nothing cool about not being controlling. I’m sorry for you and the op for bad behaviour in the past but neither of you have the right to dictate partner’s friendship. Maybe before getting into other relationships you should have therapy to deal with trust issues as while it’s understandable it is controlling behaviour and will destroy future relationships. If the sexes were reversed people would go mad at a man dictating a woman’s friendship. There is no way I would let my husband tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. The previous partner’s infidelity is not the fault of the new one.

You are not being unreasonable. In fact, I admire the way you handled it. This endless title of women being 'hysterical' really should be challenged every step of the way. You did right. Stick to your guns, follow your gut feelings and let rip. But, be prepared to deal with the fall out. Sounds like she is doing 'the come' and, like most weak males, your DP is just following the scent of the bait. Pathetic. You are worth far more. Stick to you beliefs.

I’m so sorry op, fist of all I think being flirty and sending selfies to another woman is already over the line of being a friend but especially with your history a loving partner would be extra vigilant not to bring back awful memories and anxiety for you and he clearly has no care for these very valid feelings.

I’m not even going to pretend I’d be ok about it. I’ve been with my husband 15 years I am confident and secure he only has eyes for me… would I be happy with a female coming in to change how I feel? Absolutely not.

It does not matter what your partner and the other woman are thinking/doing/planning. Your partner knows your history. he knows how much it hurt you. He should want to make you feel more secure in your relationship, not less by taunting you with this.

Its time to leave him, let them be and move on. My ex DH did the same with someone 10 years his senior. They were just friends, when i found out about the 'friendship' and asked him to leave he moved straight in with her.

That's nearly 10 years ago now, I'm in a relationship with someone who values us before a woman at work. Oddly he has female friends but I have never wondered if its more, he shows me every day that I come first. You can and will find better. Dont wait the inevitable.

My husband has a few female friends at work. They sometimes text about non-work things. The friend they has left He will meet for
lunch/ drink/ dinner every now and then. However… it’s really clearly work-orientated friendship. I can’t imagine why he’d be texting about liking them (although I’m sure he does, or Why would they meet!) they know how tall he is (because they’re friends?!)etc.

your husband is acting strangely and you’re right to be unhappy. It’s unnerving for anyone,
even more so for you.

Yanbu op.

He on the other hand is a sneaky untrustworthy twat.

Leave him, you can do so much better