Partner and female co worker

If I had someone at work that was turning into a nice friend I’d be wanting to introduce them to my OH. It’s fine to have friends of the opposite sex. But the sneaking around, lying and keeping it all separate is a big flapping red flag, backed up by the other red flag of him (and her!) trying to make you feel as though you’re being unreasonable for wanting an open, honest relationship.

Yeah - agree with @rarebits - sense a DARVO session commencing..

I have had it out with him, asked if I could meet her - the answer has been “not necessary” because they are no longer friends.

I call bullshit on that,@Luciev. He has already proven to be a cunning liar where this OW is concerned, and he still is.

They’ve been connecting and investing via hundreds of over-familiar messages and hours of flirty cyber meet-ups. He broke his agreement to not meet her outside of work, enjoying 2 hours of alone-time during their ‘dog walk’ during your absence.

Now he is defensive and belligerent, and is deleting and claiming (lying) that they’re no longer friends. He has found a way to shut you out and to continue building his budding romance by going into the office weekly.

@Luciev, you have given abundantly to him and his children, yet he is treating you abhorrently and taking you for a fool. I’m glad that you’re on to him and his devious, faithless behavior. I hope you will be ready to boot him out sooner rather than later.

Won’t be surprised if he ends up blaming this all on you if it turns into more with her…your suspicious nature and jealousy drove him away, blah blah.

Has he perhaps switched on disappearing messages (if it’s WhatsApp). I believe you can get something similar for text messages.

have you looked in his deleted messages (again if it’s WhatsApp) as unless you delete them from there I believe it keeps them
for 30 days?

@Luciev I know 100% how you feel. Many years ago my H had a 'friendship' with someone who did some work for us- again I'm a really sensible person but maybe slightly eccentric in a few ways ( but not to look at) - this girl was only 21 - bohemian yoga bunny type who hung on his every word , laughed at his stories that I had heard zillions of times and I'm afraid at 41 , he lapped it up - because many men are a bit sad like this and get a buzz from ego fluffing- you are a smart woman and I would be clear that he's been really disloyal by lying behind your back, so he either has the friendship or he has the relationship- you aren't ok with both.

As with you did with your previous partner, it's all about trust, we all say we trust someone and then worry about them being with someone.
I was cheated on after 20 years of marriage and it was the boss where they had been working 15 years of us being together, so i can see why this has brought up all of those feelings again, but I feel you will push him into her arms by doing this and by telling him to stay away they are having secret meet ups, they could be totally honest and the only reason is because they are friends and he doesn't want to upset you by doing it with you knowing.
But to do it in secret is not good at all and will make the trust a lot worse, only you know what you have and how special it is and if it is worth keeping, if you feel it is then you have a choice to make, let him continue being friends with them, or stop him which could make things become a problem.
My advice would be to let the friendship continue, but ask to meet them, maybe all meet up for a drink and get to know them, explain what happened before to them and say how much it has reminded you of it.
Try and make friends with them, and it would even be better if you could both just have a girls night out, most times it's hard to cheat with someone when you know who they are cheating with, but it could also just show you her true intentions and whether she is just a friend or not.

I'm sorry OP, what shit luck you've had with men. You sound so strong, I'm glad to hear you have great boundaries and are getting yourself sorted. I wish you nothing but happiness moving forward.

Your partner’s co-worker is trying to steal your man, and doing a really great job of making you look like the crazy one. Feelings of insecurity are normal! It’s not a bad thing to feel insecure, it’s your body giving you a warning sign! Your partner isn’t hiding what he’s doing from you, he came clean about going on the walk behind your back. Nor did your ex hide it from you, they’re doing it in plain sight and you really need to be honest with yourself about what is happening right in front of you. Don’t let your partner or his “friend” gaslight you.

While I don’t know the intricate details of your situation and the devil is always in the details, on the face of it I wouldn’t want to stay with a partner whose head is so easily turned. If the relationship is worth saving then have a very frank conversation with him. Ask him straight out if he has feelings for this woman. he’s obviously seeking female connection and perhaps that is missing in your relationship? Tell him you want to work on that, if it’s the case. Maybe you have your own issues in the relationship too that are causing you to withdraw from him?

The other alternative is he’s just a cad who thinks he deserves better and in that case you should end the relationship on your own terms.

Definitely not being unreasonable here. My friend had been with her partner for 15 years, married for 3 when he fessed up recently that he was leaving her for a work colleague. The colleague was someone my friend was aware of and the 3 of them had socialised together quite a bit. My friend actually considered the colleague a friend of hers too and thought it was nice her DH had a friend that they could both spend time with. Well being a 'cool wife' back fired big time.

He swanned off happily to live with the OW while my friend was left to pick up the pieces of her shattered life. He's also not someone you would have thought of as the 'type' to cheat. He was quiet, not very much of a charmer or a ladies man, and he did appear to be besotted with my friend, so you just never know.

I'm pleased to say she has done really well at getting herself into a good place and I couldn't be more in awe of how amazing she is.

How's it going OP? Easy to know what to do, not always easy to actually do it.

Wait ...so he's deleting messages from her too ...just her or does everyone get that treatment?

I just want to say I admire your strength and boundaries here. I’ve read all of your updates and I wouldn’t be comfortable with this at all. It’s one giant red flag. He is being incredibly disrespectful

YANBU my colleagues are married and in a relationship at work it's been going on for years

You did the right thing, stop all contact between the pair of them. My ex husband had a friendship with a trollop he worked with.
He packed up and left us - including 5 year old child.
Following on he remarried had another child and then left her. How I laughed at that one.
He had picked up with another trollop from work and had a child with her.
So don't let him gas light you