Partner and female co worker

So he has now told her he can’t see her outside work because it creates anxiety for me and this makes it difficult for him She was very disappointed and is keen to pursue the friendship and can’t understand what the fuss is about.

Honestly this paragraph alone would make me finish with him, even if they didn't fancy each other (which they do)!! Who fuck do they think they are?

I bloody bet she's keen to pursue the "friendship".

How can you ever trust him if you go away again?

He's already half out the door. Makes me so angry and sad for you.

What I would find most disappointing is that he knows the history and would still choose to behave like this. My ex partner

um I ask myself asking this question a lot. Why are you still with this loser? It would have been over for me. Nobody meets up for a 2 hour dog walk with a colleague from teams in the circumstances you describe.

I would say I’m a cool wife by Mumsnet standards. DH has always had good relationships with female colleagues and friends over the years but no secret texting, we all meet up, including them staying over and friends with us both on social media, plus any partners and it’s the same for me.

The worst bit would be X made cakes for her birthday and sent one for you, but I ate it on the way home.

I have plenty of male friends so it’s the same for him.

If my DH said he had a connection with someone else he’d be out the door!

Honestly @Luciev if I read back our messages...all day every day, nights, mornings, weekends, literally hundreds of messages a day sometimes.

Maybe to the untrained eye it wouldn't look too bad...but we both knew what we meant when we said or sent certain things.

You sound like you know what you're doing and I'm not going to make this about me. Good luck. I admire your boundaries as somehow he absolutely dismantled mine.

The hero thing is interesting- I was in a really vulnerable place for various reasons, and he fucking loved it.

What @CocoPlum @Deedee558 and@Diarygirlqueen have said 🙋‍♀️

Sorry, but he is very clearly into her. Otherwise, he wouldn't bother. This friendship speech he is giving to you is just a lame excuse. Men don't need to have female friends. It's the truth. He finds her good-looking and he is attracted to her. He is testing the waters, and by the sound of it, she is also interested.

You are wasting your time with him.

If she was heavier or/and much older or really ugly, he wouldn't be messaging her and going for long walks with her. That's for sure.

It sucks, but the situation is crystal clear. He is gaslighting you when he tells you that you are overreacting.

No conversation can fix this. He is actively pursuing this "friendship " and lying to you. It's only a matter of time... I would end it now and move on with my life.

Prioritise yourself.

@Nogaxeh I don’t think the OP is trying to keep the relationship going she has told him to choose I think that’s reasonable, she gave him a chance to put a stop to it when she explained how she felt about it when she first discovered it and he didn’t listen. I don’t think she has gone about this in the wrong way. Giving your partner one benefit of the doubt is ok, now she isn’t anymore

Look...I've been the female colleague. And I don't think guys do all that texting stuff unless they think there's something in it for them. There were a lot of vibes between us, and while nothing physical happened it was massively over the line and inappropriate.

You're not wrong. I'm sorry.

Of course it's a bit suss, but the conclusion is that he doesn't value your relationship, not that it's reasonable to try and keep the relationship going by keeping an eye on him all the time. The [justifiable] paranoia would eat you away.

I don’t think you are over reacting and I say this as a woman whose partner has female friends and co workers. My partner worked in a very female led environment for many years and none of his work relationships ever gave me this feeling, he was just open about who he spoke to and was happy for me to meet them, no weird vibes, no saying they looked good. He has left now he has another job with more men and he just treats everyone the same and talks about them the same way male or female. You do not sound controlling you sound savvy enough to know something is off. I think it’s a good boundary to lay out to him. I’m sorry this sounds shit for you

He’s full of shit and knows exactly what he’s playing at. Tosser.

I have a few male friends, including colleagues. I text them semi regularly, we talk on the phone and we meet up when convenient. I have never exchanged regular selfies with any of them. In fact, I never have exchanged regular selfies with anyone (male or female) who I wasn't attracted to. I've also never gone on secret dog walks or tried to create drama around a partner having anxiety. And I would never in a thousand years push a relationship with a colleague if they have told me their wife wasn't happy with it.

You know the difference OP! This ain't friendship. They might not have done anything, but there will be an attraction.

I self ID as a cool wife and wouldn't be ok with this.

This is totally it. You definitely know the difference. You're not coming across as policing his friendships at all. When you know you know and this isn't passing the vibes check.

YANBU. Does he tell his male work friends they 'have a connection', send them selfies and and hide walks with them, from you?

I couldn’t be fucked with this sly sneaky behaviour. Get rid of him and leave them to it. You don’t have to hang around for the shitshow you know is coming.