Partner and female co worker

Luciev · 2024-10-14T19:15:27+00:00

A short back story so you don’t think I’m weird - my previous parter of 12 years struck up a friendship with a women at work. I didn’t mind because I felt confident in our relationship. Fast forward 6 months - he left me for her. She was 15 years younger. I didn’t see it coming. Naive ? Maybe. So when my partner of 5 years struck up a friendship with a woman at work I felt a tinge of dread - but as they were just talking at work on teams I didn’t see the problem until he said he was meeting her outside work for coffee. I said I felt uncomfortable with that as I don’t know her, and after my last experience I felt it was a bad idea. I looked at their text exchange and she was asking him how tall he was , saying how much they have in common and he said he liked her and had a connection. He agreed not to meet outside work and also to cool it with the texting up and down, sharing selfies etc outside work. Fast forward 3 months , I went to Spain with my female friend of years, while I was away they met up for a two hour dog walk. He didn’t tell me , but I had a feeling he would do it so I asked him outright - he hesitated and then said yes he did. And that she also knew I was away. I find this duplicitous behaviour. So I said that if the friendship is so important then go for it but he can do it as a single man. Apparently I am hysterical and over the top. But honestly it brings back all the humiliation as before. So he has now told her he can’t see her outside work because it creates anxiety for me and this makes it difficult for him She was very disappointed and is keen to pursue the friendship and can’t understand what the fuss is about. have I been unreasonable ?

Stafanko · 20/03/2025 00:02

DoloresHargreeves · 14/10/2024 21:17

I self ID as a cool wife and wouldn't be ok with this.

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I'm afraid self identification is no longer permitted. All wives must attend an assessment centre

Devianinc · 19/03/2025 22:21

Of fuck him snd her and just tell him if he puts her feelings above yours again then your going to a lawyer. This is the game they play. You’re the bad guy bc you don’t let your husband play with other girls. No, you don’t let him play with girls trying to move in on your life. How dare she have reason to even try to justify what’s she’s doing.. you’re not the bad guy here and this a horrible dance I’d get off of it.

WendyA22 · 19/03/2025 22:01

Merryoldgoat · 14/10/2024 20:26

YANBU.

You don’t tell him he couldn’t see her - it’s a simple choice between a clearly inappropriate friendship and your relationship

However him saying you’re anxious would actually be the thing that pissed me off the most. A real cop out.

Ive got male friends. We chat and laugh and text - no talk of ‘connections’ etc.

So he hasn't said it's his idea to stop messaging her. He's just blamed your anxiety. This will make her think she's still in with a chance with him.

I'd have to have a word with her I think. He sounds a bit weak and she knows that.

Pippetypoppity · 12/02/2025 09:23

Yes how are things now Op? How are you feeling? Really hoping it’s all getting better for you.

Notsosure1 · 12/02/2025 06:12

How are you doing OP? I’ve only just read this thread. It was interesting that he chose to go into the office more regularly after you started questioning his friendship and when you threatened to end the relationship (chuck him out) he didn’t have to go in after all 🙄 I hope he’s not been a dick these last few months x

malificent7 · 30/10/2024 05:49

Bloody*

malificent7 · 30/10/2024 05:49

Ditch him. She's no bloddy angel either.
Why do these men never invite their partners to these coffee dates?

I am NOT a cool wife.

MsDogLady · 30/10/2024 05:28

@Luciev, kudos for asserting your boundaries and insisting that he hear you. Do you know what triggered his alleged change of tune?

He is saying the right words, but it remains to be seen if they are more lip service, like his previous false agreement to not meet up with OW. He can say that ‘in another time or place it could have developed further - but I don’t want that’, but the truth is he was investing and making definitive moves to prioritize OW and escalate their ‘connection’ and spark, all the while dismissing and deceiving you. He freely admits that, when he had the choice, he opted to protect her feelings and humiliate you.

Besides their flirting and emotional bonding, how certain are you that nothing else went on during their secret 2 hour ‘dog walk’ [perhaps arm in arm, hand holding, kissing, lunch]? After their hundreds of messages, mutual compliments, hour long FaceTimes, etc., she would have had expectations. Where did they actually meet up?

I hope his hearing that you’re seriously considering ending the relationship was enough of a sharp shock to make him truly take heed. I’d tell him that you’re taking a few months to decide. Carefully observe if his actions jibe with his new remorseful words.

AmberAlert86 · 29/10/2024 21:39

It's refreshing to read that tye man recognises and admits his misbeaviours! I'm glad he was shocked that you were ready to call it quits if he doesn't behave. And at least you now know for sure you weren't overreacting or being over sensitive due to your past relationship issues. You are a strong woman @Luciev!

Original poster

Luciev · 29/10/2024 21:05

He will go in once a month for the meetings only. We will see if this hold true.

OP posts:

Gothzilla · 29/10/2024 21:04

It’s good that he was finally honest with you. As you say only time and your gut will tell you what to do.

What about working from his office? Will he still be going in?

Original poster

Luciev · 29/10/2024 20:51

update
we had a good talk in a public place because he has the propensity to shut me down. I told him I have not been heard and he agreed he had been an asshole. He admitted that he had a connection with her and if it was another time or place it could have developed further- but he doesn’t want that - I felt that was quite honest. He knows she was pursuing him and he enjoyed the attention - again honest. I said he threw me under a bus blaming me and he said he didn’t want to rub salt in the wound - so clearly he cares about her.
I told him I had two choices - 1) to pass the page and let it go 2) to end the relationship and I was leaning heavily to end the relationship. He was pretty shocked.
He can’t explain why he felt the need to see her in person on the Saturday I was away - he regrets it and said it was stupid. He said he has cut off all contact even in work.
Although I still have my reservations, i am inclined to allow our relationship to continue for the time-being. His daughters are coming at the end of November so I don’t want it to be weird for them - I have a couple of busy months coming up and need to focus on my job. I will reassess the situation after Xmas when the girls are gone and I have more headspace and if anything transpires in the meantime I am well prepared to throw him back

OP posts:

whatareyousayingtome · 23/10/2024 09:25

just because he hasn’t been on WhatsApp doesn’t mean anything, he probably has switched to texting instead or other apps like telegram, if they want to text they will find a way to be sneakier about it.

if they are emotionally involved it will be like a drug for him and he will find it difficult to stop getting that high.

Original poster

Luciev · 22/10/2024 20:26

Pippetypoppity · 22/10/2024 19:45

Remember to post again and ask for more sisterly counsel and hand holding from all of us in the weeks til you bin him Op. We are with you all the way and backing you up with any moral support you need. X

That’s the loveliest thing - thanks so much. I will keep you posted on developments.

OP posts:

Pippetypoppity · 22/10/2024 19:45

Remember to post again and ask for more sisterly counsel and hand holding from all of us in the weeks til you bin him Op. We are with you all the way and backing you up with any moral support you need. X

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/10/2024 16:42

Luciev · 22/10/2024 08:01

Thank you , I had had lots of messages similar to this. So I tested it out and said to him. “When you told her you could not be friends because it made me anxious, I feel that was a betrayal - you threw me under a bus rather than own it yourself” . His answer - well it does make you anxious and if it didn’t o would still be seeing her, and what do you care what someone you don’t know thinks of you. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. “ so I get shut down.

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So firstly, isn't he contradicting himself? Didn't he say you couldn't meet her because he was going to stop seeing her and she didn't mean anything to him?

Anyway, he is not admitting to himself that he is doing anything wrong. Deep down, he knows, but he is not going to admit it even to himself until it gets physical and even then, he won't admit it to anyone else, because if you don't know he's cheating, even if he is, how dare you suspect him??

I'm not sure how easy that paragraph was to follow, but the contortions their minds go through are just as difficult to make sense of! Do yourself a favour and stop engaging with him. He will not own up to any wrongdoing and it will make you feel worse.

Toomanyemails · 22/10/2024 09:40

Hope you are doing ok OP. If you can, I'd recommend ending this relationship sooner rather than later if you can. Even though you've made up your mind and it sounds like you've got firm boundaries and lots of strength, the longer you're in this environment the bigger the risk it will erode those and warp your perception.
The responses you've mentioned from him are all red flags. He doesn't seem to be bothered at all that you're upset, or willing to reflect on his behaviour.

jrc1071 · 22/10/2024 08:30

Luciev · 21/10/2024 20:23

It’s okay. I have tried to have an adult conversation about it but he ends up shouting me down and he continues to blame me. He simply cannot see how this is inappropriate at all. The dog walk is innocuous alone but with the other things around it - it makes it not okay - he can’t see it - won’t discuss it anymore so I’ve been shut down. He is in the office tomorrow when over the past 3 years he only ever goes in for meetings once a month. Now it’s 3 times in 2 weeks. As one responder said - I can’t control his friendships and that’s true - never did before and he had female friends when we were in Germany but there is a vibe with this one- like he said - a connection. I’m going to wait and see what happens next - the wall has come up in any case - I feel less anxious about it and I will bide my time. I feel in control of myself and my life. Thank you so much for asking - sorry for the “war and peace” response

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He sees it alright. There is a saying by Dr. George Simon, who is an expert in character disordered (ie cheaters, etc): "It is not that he does not see... it's simply that he disagrees".

Your husband disagrees with your view as he wants to do what he wants, He can see and knows very clearly what he is doing is inappropriate. He is just angry that you caught on and are calling him out on it, as it now makes it diffficult for him and 'trollop' to continue.

Original poster

Luciev · 22/10/2024 08:01

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/10/2024 02:55

I just want to add that when the guy tells the OW, I can't see you because it's upsetting my partner, it's a pretty shitty thing. It's a betrayal to his partner. It's a way to make her look bad. The fact that this OW wants to continue the "friendship" shows she wants more.
The guy should want to protect his partner, her feelings and their relationship. He shouldn't have to be told, he shouldn't look for his partner to be away so he can sneak out on a date. That's what it was, btw, a date.
There's mo way I'd stay. It would be constant second-guessing him. It would be nagging resentment. I think the relationship wouldn't survive in the end and self esteem would be damaged as well.

Thank you , I had had lots of messages similar to this. So I tested it out and said to him. “When you told her you could not be friends because it made me anxious, I feel that was a betrayal - you threw me under a bus rather than own it yourself” . His answer - well it does make you anxious and if it didn’t o would still be seeing her, and what do you care what someone you don’t know thinks of you. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. “ so I get shut down.

OP posts:

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/10/2024 02:55

I just want to add that when the guy tells the OW, I can't see you because it's upsetting my partner, it's a pretty shitty thing. It's a betrayal to his partner. It's a way to make her look bad. The fact that this OW wants to continue the "friendship" shows she wants more.
The guy should want to protect his partner, her feelings and their relationship. He shouldn't have to be told, he shouldn't look for his partner to be away so he can sneak out on a date. That's what it was, btw, a date.
There's mo way I'd stay. It would be constant second-guessing him. It would be nagging resentment. I think the relationship wouldn't survive in the end and self esteem would be damaged as well.

Ger1atricMillennial · 22/10/2024 02:38

It doesn't matter why, but if you can't trust him there simply is no point in carrying on the relationship.

You can own your part of it, but he can own his too. Getting involved in colleagues "relationship" issues is alway a bad idea. I have been working for 20 years and I have never been a sound board of anyone I have worked with about that, especially if they are part of the sex I am attracted to.

JRorBobby · 22/10/2024 01:51

You are right OP, trust your gut.

Nothing you are saying sounds remotely unreasonable and this isn't "your anxiety" this is your instinct speaking to you, loud and clear!

Abi86 · 22/10/2024 01:41

Hey @Luciev. I’m a guy - YDNBU

Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 23:39

E404 · 21/10/2024 23:10

Majority of us thinks .. well, you know what we think. It's a red flag, and you need to sort it out. The facts are there, you feel alarmed and left out and he doesn't handle it in a way that's reassuring to you. Noone snoops in other people's phones for no reason. There are all sorts of people out there, some are poli, some are too cool, some genuinely don't feel alarmed, but none of them is you. Look after yourself the best way you can. You deserve to have your heart at the right place.
Ultimately everyone with an ounce of self compassion wants to feel seen and heard, appreciated and respected and when we don't feel all this we're alarmed. Your Self is wise and is looking after you.

Beautiful message. Thank you. And thank you all at MN. 👌🏽👌🏽

OP posts:

E404 · 21/10/2024 23:10

Majority of us thinks .. well, you know what we think. It's a red flag, and you need to sort it out. The facts are there, you feel alarmed and left out and he doesn't handle it in a way that's reassuring to you. Noone snoops in other people's phones for no reason. There are all sorts of people out there, some are poli, some are too cool, some genuinely don't feel alarmed, but none of them is you. Look after yourself the best way you can. You deserve to have your heart at the right place.
Ultimately everyone with an ounce of self compassion wants to feel seen and heard, appreciated and respected and when we don't feel all this we're alarmed. Your Self is wise and is looking after you.