To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

But likewise the friend may be already losing sleep if she's suspicious but her partner is gaslighting her and insisting he's not done anything? It's unlikely this is the first time (usually sleazy men would start with people other than partner's friends..). It's not OP who'd be blowing up the family. OP's been put in a shit situation but she now has info most women would want about their partner.

Send him a firm message, tell her, be aware your friendship will change

I just wanted to say @ThisLoudBeaker that he hasn't misunderstood because you've been friendly, he's looking for someone to cheat with and he's banking on you not wanting to tell your friend about him. It's a win for him if you agreed and a win if you said No because he thinks you'd never tell his wife

Could you send the screenshots to your friend. Saying "I think your husband mistakenly sent me this when it was meant for you"

Your friend will want to know two things.

1. Why you didn't tell her immediately.
2. Why you were happy to let it continue.

And before you say you weren't 'happy' to let it continue, I think you need a convincing answer as to why you therefore didn't block him and allowed this to go on for weeks.

"Ridiculous. You clearly love the attention".

Comments like this absolutely infuriate me. It's implying that we're lying when we say we're not comfortable with male attention being forced upon us. How dare you say that to the OP. How dare you.

The 'you should of shut it down' after the first message in hindsight is a wonderful thing...but there are a thousand scenarios where there is a perfectly plausible reason to message a dp friend before it becomes 'inappropriate'. My best friend messages my husband more than me. Because he can use a drill and has good cooking recipes and workmen contacts And we are all friends. If she ever messages for 'some fun' I agree it's crossing a line. But this is not on OP for not 'shutting it down' quick enough!!!

Tell your friend OP but do be prepared to loose the friendship. I'd rather know myself. Would you?

Honestly, why does it matter why he has the OP's number or how he got it? Could be from lift-sharing, kids playdates, organising family get-togethers or even from picking up his wife's phone and looking for it.

It is not up to the OP to come up with an 'explanation' of how he had her number, because that has a distinct tinge of making it look like the OP has brought this on herself and has somehow encouraged him.

I'd have been on the phone trying to see my friend on her own asap if I'd received these messages.

If it wasn't a close friend, I'd have immediately screenshot and sent to the wife.

Being cheated on is horrifically painful, you must tell her.

If you're going to tell your friend then do this face to face, where you can explain you didn't like the messages and badly handled brushing him off as you were worried about causing a further issue.
If you just send the screenshots, she is going to look at them and wonder why the hell you didn't shut it down immediately and allowed further communication.
Often the person being betrayed will look for excuses for their partners behaviour, because it's hard to accept someone they love would do that, and easier to pass the blame to someone else. The fact that this communication went on for a period of time will go against you, because it will look like you encouraged it.

It sounds awful and usually I would say grass him fully to the rooftops. But if you warned him off, said if you send anything like this again I'm telling her? I'm presuming you never responded positively?

You’ve made a mistake not shutting it down immediately, but it’s understandable that you felt really awkward and a bit in denial about the situation. The thing is if you don’t tell her you’re likely to lose her friendship anyway as you’re going to need to avoid him.

Also, this isn’t a case of you turn him down and suddenly her life is perfect. He’s a cheat. If it’s not with you it will be with someone else. And even if he’s never successful in persuading anyone to go along with it, the fact that he’s trying shows who he really is, and would be a deal breaker for me.

Show her the messages and explain how you didn’t deal with it as well as you might have done because you felt awkward. Yes it may cost you her friendship, but it’s still the right thing to do. You wouldn’t be much of a friend if you kept this from her.

A poster up thread asked why he was even messaging you in the first place. I didn't see an explanation but I might have missed it. Why did he have your contact details?
I'm afraid I don't understand why you didn't call him out after the first message.
I think you have to tell your friend but she is really going to wonder why you didn't put a stop to this right away.
Not that I'm excusing him in any way . No doubt you won't be the first he has tried it on with.

I'd tell her.
I wouldn't care if he wormed his way out of it and she cut me off. I'd rather have a clean conscience and know I did the right thing.

OP, I get your approach, not wanting to rock the boat and downplaying it. I think there are some posters on here who are giving you a hard time that you don’t deserve. It’s shit being put in this position and it’s not your fault, regardless of what some people seem to be suggesting.

You don't sound angry Op but you should be, this slimebag is probably going to cost you a good friend. Even if you tell him a firm No you'll never be comfortable around them as a couple, if you make sure you only see her in future she'll wonder why, if you tell her the truth he'll lie and lie to put you in the wrong.

no offense but how the HELL have you not told her??????? considering you're 'fairly close' friends?????? i'm shocked & apalled. if this happened to me, i would cut off my so-called 'friend' who replies to messages from my 'D'H saying “you looked really sexy last time I saw you” and asking if you are “up for some fun” by saying “Haha, you’re such a joker!” ??????????????

also 'D'H would very quickly become STBXH then XH

Ridiculous. you clearly love the attention

I'm gonna say this again because I HAVE BEEN IN THIS SITUATION and I know what he will say if the OP turns him down because of the friendship.

He will think you are only turning him down because you're worried you'll get caught out betraying your friend, so he will say "Don't worry, we can keep it quiet, she'll never find out" and then you are back to bloody square one again.

Tell him to stop messaging you and to leave you alone.

Agree. Don’t threaten him.

In your message to him you need to make it clear that you consider his behaviour is inappropriate. Block him after his reply.
If you’re not clear about this and show her the messages, she’ll want to believe you’ve had a part in this.

Personally I think giving him any warning that you might tell will end up with him getting in first and blaming you.

It's not harsh at all.

Most friends would've closed him down immediately even if they didn't want to tell their friend about it.

Especially after being asked if she's 'up for fun' while her friend is away.

My concern is she's going to implicate you in this.
Without seeing what was said it's hard to give advice.
Personally I would ignore all future messages and play dumb that he ever came on to you.
But that depends on whats been said.

I wouldn't tell her. He'll wangle out of it. I can hear the excuses now and you'll lose a friend.

Just be there for when she inevitably finds out what he's like.

I assume he probably started tame, so if you called him out he could say you'd misunderstood or were causing drama. Then gradually ramped up to the point you're suddenly in a situation where you feel like you can't tell your friend because its gone on for too long and she'll blame you for not shutting it down earlier.

You do need to shut it down now. I'd be tempted to do it in a way which makes it clear you know his game. Take screen shots first if you haven't already.

Something along the lines of:

I've tried to ignore this for the sake of my friend, and because I wasn't sure if you were joking, but I can see now that your messages were sent with the intention of making me doubt myself, so you could get more and more inappropriate. You need to stop immediately, I am not and have never been interested. Friend deserves better. Do not message me again.