To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

well if he’s been as stupid as putting it all i. writing as he has done with the Op… it would appear there is a cloak of silence amongst all these women
or
the wife knows because one or more of these women have told her and she remains with him nonetheless

You realise you won’t be the first of her friends he’s had a sniff at?

tell him to fuck off and never contact you again or you’ll forward everything to his wife

and tell him you might just do that anyway because he’s a sleaze and she deserves better

Don't wait for him to message again. Send him a message along the lines of

I value my friendship with your wife and have tried to be polite, but you clearly aren't getting the message. Your texts make me extremely uncomfortable. They are unwelcome, beyond inappropriate and need to cease.

I hope you find a solution.

For future reference, as a perpetually single lady who has kids now in their 20's, any time, ever, at all, that someone's partner messages me about anything, I screenshot it and send it immediately to the other person in the couple and ask if they have approved their partner contacting me. Obviously I went through the same thing you're going through first though. Quite a few people suck, I'm sorry.

I have been hit on by about 20 husbands and one wife.

In one case, my friend said yes, my husband wants to be in your world of warcraft gaming group and we're all still firm friends. But everyone else was dodgy.

I can't remember what I did that first time, but I'm not longer friends with either of them, sorry. None of this is your fault.

This is not your fault and it's all his. You are clearly a nice person who has been blindsided by this utter fucking creep. So firstly, you have every right to tell him to fuck off and never so much as speak to you again. And yes, do tell her what he's done. Sorry, it's such a shit situation.

This is precisely why I didn't say anything.

Exactly this.

I also think certain sleaze bags are very careful about who they try it on with. He might have chosen you precisely because he felt sure he'd be able to groom you with messages gradually increasing in inappropriateness, so that you find yourself weeks into it in a state of confusion. My earlier advice still stands though: Screenshot, Block, Don't Tell Wife.

Fair enough, the first couple of times he messaged OP could have been taken back and not know how to respond etc.

But this has been going on for weeks and he has asked OP for sex.

This isn’t face to face.
OP isn’t being put on the spot.

It doesn’t take much to ask him to stop texting, ignore the messages or block.

Not one poster would be sticking up for the receiver if it was a man.
None of us would be making excuses as to why he’d let it go on for weeks and carry on replying, even after the woman had asked him for sex.

OP please be noble enough to tell her.
Don't be the awful friend.

I sm still trying to work out how the OW was the person who planned my hen do when my DH has obviously been chatting her up and even asking her to go for a swim with him.

Recently I got to find out myself that they have a thing going on when I saw his messages to her and when I saw his body language towards her.
It's becoming more evident with the body language as my DH cannot contain himself when near her.

Please please tell her.
She may thank you for saving her from mental health issues which I am currently suffering from.

I think I just see it slightly differently because if she'd come down really strong on the first message then he has the defence of saying 'this was meant for my wife, I sent to the wrong number, but the fact that it was taken seriously means OP has obviously been thinking of me...' and sometimes it really is a genuine mistake. Or 'it was just a joke!! I'd NEVER fancy OP....'

Sometimes it takes a couple of messages before you realise that, OMG, he really IS being a sleazy creep and he really DOES want to try to bed me.'

I don't think the person being messaged can be berated for not shutting the convo down right away. What if someone gets sent sleazy messages they never even read? Or are just so gobsmacked they genuinely don't know what to say? The onus is on the sender to not be a creep.

Infuriating isn't it? The sheer amount of posters who have used the words "you allowed..." is shocking. I tried earlier on in the thread to address this but the usual insults about "reading comprehension" etc. were fired at me.

It's very worrying the amount of posters here who automatically blame women for mens behaviour. Let's not even start on the "You seem to be enjoying the attention OP" bullshit.

The trouble with the "Haha you're such a joker" response is that it's almost an invitation to send another message. Either to show he was just joking or to show he was serious. Not that any of this is your fault but being polite can look like encouragement. This is a rubbish situation for OP and her friend.

Of course it is his fault and he is the one in the wrong.

But OP does need to take some responsibility here.

If a woman was messaging your DH saying he’s sexy and asking for sex and it had been going on for weeks and he carried on texting her, you would not be saying ‘poor DH’.

You would wonder why he didn’t shut it down immediately.

There have been multiple threads on here about women messaging their DH’s and being flirty (not even blatantly asking for sex) and posters are quick to say he’s just as bad because he didn’t shut it down or block.

I am shocked at how many people are saying not to tell or that they had close or “best” friends they didn’t tell 😳.
Imagine how embarrassed you’d feel to find out or more of your friends knew.
As long as you don’t think there is any risk of serious harm to anyone if you tell your friend, surely telling them something like this would be considered doing the bear minimum.

That’s not hinting, it’s asking for sex. To be honest, if my friends partner or husband messaged me that, I’d have told him very firmly to stop and that it’s unacceptable. That would have been my mild reaction as I love my friends dearly. What I would want to do would be to have screen shot and told her instantly. Joking along makes you part of it unfortunately. I get it’s uncomfortable, but it’s going to be uncomfortable for your friend to see you’ve been replying to him like that instead of shutting it down or telling her.

How was I blaming her exactly? The friend I was referring to for me was a male and I don't blame him for my stbxh affair. I just can't trust him knowing that he knew what was going on and hid it from me for 2 months. I felt let down by him and the friendship hasn't recovered. I won't lie about it because the reality is when the wife finds out her husband is cheating she will no doubt look for evidence as we all do and how will she feel finding inappropriate messages sent to her friend? She will feel betrayed her friend didn't try and protect her. I don't think I said anything harsh in that just the reality. I never condone keeping it quiet and I can voice that opinion as much as the ones who say keep quiet.

Edited to add: fewer would get away with it if people didn't take the stance of keep quiet/none of my business. Society should call out cheaters

I think these kind of men who try their luck with their wives’ friends rely on those women staying silent and not wanting to cause fuss, even if they refuse their advances. This is usually the case with sexual harassment in other contexts such as the workplace.

What struck me about the OP’s posts was the many references of not wanting to cause drama as a reason for not shooting it down. This is how we women are socialised. Directness, which is the correct response is not an attribute that is valued in females.

You should have told her after the first message.
You need to block this man then tell his wife.
Nothing less will do.

No. The only person this reflects badly on is the twat of a bloke.

If she is really a friend and you’re “quite close” I can’t believe you haven’t told her. How would you face her or even speak to her knowing this is going on ?
He’s a vile POS. If she blames you or makes excuses, she’s an idiot and you’re better off not being friends but I could never do this to someone I’m quite close with.
If she was just an acquaintance it would be different.

I just want to say that I disagree with posters saying to screenshot everything and send it to her. That would actually be a really horrible thing to do to her, she may not ever want to see the screenshots and it should be her choice to see them or not.

Op I'd explain everything to her in person that you've explained here, apologise for not shutting it down earlier but give your reasons for that, and then offer the screenshots if she wants to see.

Of course it’s his fault. The fact remains that many women would rather blame other women than deal with the scrotum they are married to. Fact. It is unfair but it’s also true.

You know your friend and if she's the face to face or call or text type. It's not one size fits all. She may be someone who would rather be given the time and space to react and feel how she wants over message or call without being stared down by the OP waiting for a reaction and response face to face . Or she may be someone who'd prefer the opposite. The wrong approach can make it worse. Hopefully, OP is already planning to tell her in the best way for her friend.

Incidently, @ThisLoudBeaker
Your AIBU in the post Title contradicts the AIBU in the body of your OP.

(Just thought you should know, as that's likely to skew the voting results, depending on which one any given respondant is referencing.)

Anyway, I think you've concluded to have a heart to heart with your friend.
I'd support that action, too.

Good luck.