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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

312 replies

ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 16:46

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:10

Errors · 14/10/2024 17:05

Also, can you give examples of your polite replies?
I agree you need to be more direct, but most people should be able to read the room and tell that you’re not interested

My replies have been more along the lines of brushing it off with jokes or changing the subject, like, “Haha, you’re such a joker!” or just ignoring his comments altogether. I didn’t want to cause awkwardness, but I can see now that being polite isn’t working. I guess I thought he’d get the hint, but clearly he hasn’t.

OP posts:
Errors · 14/10/2024 17:10

ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:09

I totally get what you mean. His messages have been a bit more than casual compliments, things like “you looked really sexy last time I saw you” and asking if I’m “up for some fun” when he knows his wife isn’t around. It’s definitely crossed a line, and I’d want to know if I were in her shoes. I’m just worried about the fallout if I do tell her.

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Oooh shit. Yes, highly inappropriate!!
What did you say back to him?
I agree with telling him in no uncertain terms to stop and then telling your friend.

Errors · 14/10/2024 17:09

Stormyweatheroutthere · 14/10/2024 17:08

I backed away from a good friend when her dh did similar. He sent me a dick pic for my birthday.. No warning. Grim. They had 2 small dc and I felt the shoot the messenger would apply so I kept quiet and backed away.

That’s a real shame, I would have told her in that position

Original poster
ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:09

Errors · 14/10/2024 17:03

Can you give us an example of some of the things he has said? How inappropriate are we talking? There is a world of difference between, I don’t know “you looked well when I last saw you” and “fancy a shag”
Sorry, I hope that’s not patronising and you get what I mean. If you’re absolutely certain he was trying it on I would absolutely tell her. Wouldn’t you want to know in that situation? Your loyalty is with her

I totally get what you mean. His messages have been a bit more than casual compliments, things like “you looked really sexy last time I saw you” and asking if I’m “up for some fun” when he knows his wife isn’t around. It’s definitely crossed a line, and I’d want to know if I were in her shoes. I’m just worried about the fallout if I do tell her.

OP posts:
Caerulea · 14/10/2024 17:08

You're not protecting her by keep this secret, you're protecting him.

Explain why he deserves that?

Strangerthanfictions · 14/10/2024 17:08

Just forward them on. Screenshot so she can see (presumably) your brush offs or no response back and just say you're not getting involved in any chat, it's nothing to do with you, she has the info, it's between her and her husband and she can do what she wants about it from the hard facts. You are not a participant in this so I wouldn't allow yourself to be part of the narrative

Stormyweatheroutthere · 14/10/2024 17:08

I backed away from a good friend when her dh did similar. He sent me a dick pic for my birthday.. No warning. Grim. They had 2 small dc and I felt the shoot the messenger would apply so I kept quiet and backed away.

Errors · 14/10/2024 17:07

He does sound like a complete shit. I’d wonder if there is more to it. It’s bad enough him sending suggestive messages to another woman but to his wife’s friend??? Does he think you’re just not going to tell her? Or is he doing it to see if you would tell her?

ShowerOfShites · 14/10/2024 17:06

How the fuck did he manage to send you more than one?

Surely you told him to fuck off after the very first one?

Wellingtonspie · 14/10/2024 17:06

ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:04

We’re fairly close, and she does have kids, which is why I’m hesitating. I know this could turn her whole world upside down, and I don’t want to be the one to do that. At the same time, it feels wrong to ignore it completely. I agree he’s being a sleaze, but I’m stuck between not wanting to hurt her and not wanting to stay silent about what he’s doing.

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Thing is surely better her life turned upside down now than in another 2/3/4/5 years with an std or a mistress with a pregnancy announcement.

Errors · 14/10/2024 17:05

Also, can you give examples of your polite replies?
I agree you need to be more direct, but most people should be able to read the room and tell that you’re not interested

Original poster
ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:05

TheStroppyFeminist · 14/10/2024 16:59

How inappropriate are they? Testing the water or full on dk pic?

They’ve been more of the ‘testing the water’ kind of messages - flirty, suggestive, and hinting at more. No explicit photos, but definitely crossing a line. It’s making me really uncomfortable, and I’m worried it’s only going to escalate if I don’t do something.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:04

2kbak · 14/10/2024 16:59

How friendly are you.

Does she have kids? Do you?

If she has kids with him and you are not that close, then I would just ignore his messages and not tell her.

Blowing up a family is a very big deal. She could be in a position where she can't sleep/eat.

He's a dirty sleazy prick.

We’re fairly close, and she does have kids, which is why I’m hesitating. I know this could turn her whole world upside down, and I don’t want to be the one to do that. At the same time, it feels wrong to ignore it completely. I agree he’s being a sleaze, but I’m stuck between not wanting to hurt her and not wanting to stay silent about what he’s doing.

OP posts:
NeckolasCage · 14/10/2024 17:03

Honestly I would tell her.

If you feel you can’t, DON’T write in your firm reply ‘or I’ll tell your wife’. That puts you in cahoots, so to speak. Even if it’s part of a brush off! You’re already saying, if you behave I’ll keep this between us.

This is why I’d just tell, to be honest - if it’s moved past the ‘this could be taken either way so I’ll just pretend I’ve not noticed the suggestiveness’ stage, then you are already lying to her, so to speak. That’s what I’d try and avoid at all costs.

But agree no easy way out of this one. Horrible shitty man

Errors · 14/10/2024 17:03

Can you give us an example of some of the things he has said? How inappropriate are we talking? There is a world of difference between, I don’t know “you looked well when I last saw you” and “fancy a shag”
Sorry, I hope that’s not patronising and you get what I mean. If you’re absolutely certain he was trying it on I would absolutely tell her. Wouldn’t you want to know in that situation? Your loyalty is with her

Nothanks17 · 14/10/2024 17:00

You ahould have told her straight away

TheStroppyFeminist · 14/10/2024 16:59

How inappropriate are they? Testing the water or full on dk pic?

2kbak · 14/10/2024 16:59

How friendly are you.

Does she have kids? Do you?

If she has kids with him and you are not that close, then I would just ignore his messages and not tell her.

Blowing up a family is a very big deal. She could be in a position where she can't sleep/eat.

He's a dirty sleazy prick.

IWishIWasABaller · 14/10/2024 16:59

Surely you shouldn't even have to ask what to do here op. Id have probably ignored the first pervy message thinking it could have been a mistake but surely when you continued to receive messages you should screenshot them and forwarded to her immediately with a message saying thought you should see these

GeorgiePeachie · 14/10/2024 16:58

ShillyShallySherbet · 14/10/2024 16:50

Instead of brushing them off, tell him he’s being inappropriate and block him. I wouldn’t get involved at all by telling her unless she is a really close friend.

This, but take screen shots of your rejection.
And then if it becomes nessicary to have the evidence you do.

cstaff · 14/10/2024 16:58

Whether you tell her or not eventually your friendship will be ruined. If you tell her you will be the bad guy and if you don't and it comes out you will be the bad guy. The whole situation sucks but I would prefer she knew now rather than eventually. It may be retrievable once she realises you have her back but that could take time if it ever happens.

Original poster
ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 16:57

SoMauveMonty · 14/10/2024 16:50

Have you messaged him very firmly in response telling him to bugger off? 'Brushed off' suggests you might have done that been polite to avoid bad feeling thing, but not necessarily plainly said stop it. If you have and he's still persisting, tell her. You've then proof you've done nothing to encourage him.

Edited

I’ve definitely tried to be polite to avoid any awkwardness, but you’re right, I haven’t outright told him to stop. I didn’t want to cause unnecessary drama, but now I’m realising I need to be more direct. I’ll send a firm message and make it clear that this is completely inappropriate. If he doesn’t back off, I think telling her will be the next step.

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/10/2024 16:56

I’d tell him to stop immediately or you’ll tell your friend. Then keep the messages.

Fordian · 14/10/2024 16:56

Be prepared for her to cut you off, mind. Shooting the messenger is very common.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/10/2024 16:55

Show her, tell her but know that she'll likely not thank you for it unfortunately.

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