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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

312 replies

ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 16:46

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:20

ShowerOfShites · 14/10/2024 17:15

How is it a lesson learned when you've had to come to MN to ask if you should tell her?

Be honest, is a tiny part of you enjoying the drama?

Because it seems pretty simple to me that you should've warned him and blocked him from the get go.

Show quote history

Honestly, no, I’m not enjoying the drama at all. I think I’ve just been in denial about how serious this situation really is, and that’s why I didn’t handle it better from the start. I guess coming here is my way of trying to figure out the right thing to do now. I can see I should’ve shut it down sooner and been more direct. I’m not looking for drama - just trying to find the best way forward.

OP posts:
2kbak · 14/10/2024 17:19

Fleurdalys · 14/10/2024 17:18

You are enjoying it
Some friend you are

How do you come to this conclusion? That's not what I get from OP's posts at all.

Original poster
ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:19

ShowerOfShites · 14/10/2024 17:13

'Suggestive and hinting' at more?

Yet you went on to say...

and asking if I’m “up for some fun” when he knows his wife isn’t around.

So which one is it? Because that's not hinting or suggestive, it's blatantly asking you 😳

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You’re right, I probably downplayed it a bit when I said hinting/suggestive. Asking if I’m up for some fun is definitely crossing a bigger line than I initially made it sound. I think I’ve been trying to minimise it in my head to avoid facing the seriousness of it. But you’re right - it’s blatant, and I need to stop brushing it off.

OP posts:
2kbak · 14/10/2024 17:18

ShowerOfShites · 14/10/2024 17:15

How is it a lesson learned when you've had to come to MN to ask if you should tell her?

Be honest, is a tiny part of you enjoying the drama?

Because it seems pretty simple to me that you should've warned him and blocked him from the get go.

Show quote history

This is harsh. OP does not come across as enjoying this grim situation. She tried to give a casual brush off to avoid a scene. Unfortunately the creep, rather than taking the hint, thinks he can keep trying to bed his wife's friends. Gross.

Fleurdalys · 14/10/2024 17:18

You are enjoying it
Some friend you are

rockingbird · 14/10/2024 17:18

You won't be the only one getting these sort of message from him sadly. Tell her, ideally face to face - she may already know what a c*nt he is and someone else confirming that could be what she needs. If you don't tell her and it comes out she won't be best pleased - she might even know already. 🤨

Calliopespa · 14/10/2024 17:18

SoMauveMonty · 14/10/2024 16:50

Have you messaged him very firmly in response telling him to bugger off? 'Brushed off' suggests you might have done that been polite to avoid bad feeling thing, but not necessarily plainly said stop it. If you have and he's still persisting, tell her. You've then proof you've done nothing to encourage him.

Edited

Yes. Make absolutely sure you give him a firm “ I’m totally NOT into this” message. Write/ text it don’t say it. Keep it. If he still persists, tell her then. But you need clear and unequivocal evidence he persisted despite you being VERY firm . She will want to blame you.

AW24 · 14/10/2024 17:17

So, my friends partner was a serial cheat!
She was told time and time again by various people and chose to believe him and keep him!
So I never told her ever, if any of the times I knew about, which was quite a lot.

Fleurdalys · 14/10/2024 17:17

Cherrysoup · 14/10/2024 17:12

I can’t understand why you didn’t immediately block him. Tell him to fuck off and block. He’s an idiot.

This

ShowerOfShites · 14/10/2024 17:15

ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:12

I know I should have shut it down more firmly from the start. I didn’t want to cause drama or make things awkward with my friend, so I kind of hoped he’d stop on his own. But I realise now I should’ve been more direct and told him to stop after the first message. Lesson learned!

Show quote history

How is it a lesson learned when you've had to come to MN to ask if you should tell her?

Be honest, is a tiny part of you enjoying the drama?

Because it seems pretty simple to me that you should've warned him and blocked him from the get go.

Talipesmum · 14/10/2024 17:15

ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:10

My replies have been more along the lines of brushing it off with jokes or changing the subject, like, “Haha, you’re such a joker!” or just ignoring his comments altogether. I didn’t want to cause awkwardness, but I can see now that being polite isn’t working. I guess I thought he’d get the hint, but clearly he hasn’t.

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Oh blimey that’s not very veiled. Joking replies back are definitely not what’s needed here.
Maybe something like:
Look, I was trying to not make a big deal of this as x is my friend and I’ve been hoping you were just being flippant. But these messages are completely inappropriate and need to stop now. Please don’t send me this sort of thing again.

Motomum23 · 14/10/2024 17:14

Tell him to f off.. then screenshot it all and send them to her. Tell her you respect her too much to allow this to be unsaid but expect the friendship to die..

ShowerOfShites · 14/10/2024 17:13

ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:05

They’ve been more of the ‘testing the water’ kind of messages - flirty, suggestive, and hinting at more. No explicit photos, but definitely crossing a line. It’s making me really uncomfortable, and I’m worried it’s only going to escalate if I don’t do something.

Show quote history

'Suggestive and hinting' at more?

Yet you went on to say...

and asking if I’m “up for some fun” when he knows his wife isn’t around.

So which one is it? Because that's not hinting or suggestive, it's blatantly asking you 😳

Parkmybentley · 14/10/2024 17:13

Even if you pass the message on in a convoluted way, you have to tell her! Can't believe PP got a dick pic and said nothing.

I mean the guy has been stupid enough to send non-disappearing messages, evidence is right there.

Wellingtonspie · 14/10/2024 17:13

StMarieforme · 14/10/2024 17:12

I was the wife in this situation. He was actually doing this with many of my less close friends. I wish just one of them had told me...

Exactly it’s got to hurt so much more knowing all these people you considered even loose friends where all being hit on by your partner and they all kept quiet knowing.

Wondering if they were all knew he had tried each of them too!

Lost the friendship anyway and delayed the dumping.

TheStroppyFeminist · 14/10/2024 17:13

He's not going to take a hint because the deluded slimy fucker thinks he has a chance. Say NFW and move on. Don't tell her, unless you don't care about her friendship in which case go for it.

Original poster
ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:13

Errors · 14/10/2024 17:07

He does sound like a complete shit. I’d wonder if there is more to it. It’s bad enough him sending suggestive messages to another woman but to his wife’s friend??? Does he think you’re just not going to tell her? Or is he doing it to see if you would tell her?

Exactly! That’s part of what’s been making me hesitate. I keep wondering if he’s testing me to see if I’d actually tell her or if he’s just that arrogant to think I won’t say anything. It feels like a no-win situation either way, but I know keeping quiet isn’t fair to her.

OP posts:
worriedMiL33 · 14/10/2024 17:13

@ThisLoudBeaker all inappropriate from you both.

Are you flattered?

Come on, knock it on the head. Now!

Errors · 14/10/2024 17:13

ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:10

My replies have been more along the lines of brushing it off with jokes or changing the subject, like, “Haha, you’re such a joker!” or just ignoring his comments altogether. I didn’t want to cause awkwardness, but I can see now that being polite isn’t working. I guess I thought he’d get the hint, but clearly he hasn’t.

Show quote history

Like so many other men, he is obviously too arrogant to get that you’re brushing him off. I get why you wouldn’t want to cause any awkwardness but he is in the wrong here, not you. She needs to know. Face to face so you can explain to her what you’ve told us. Sorry, horrible position to be in!

Newbutoldfather · 14/10/2024 17:12

I am a bit confused. Why is your friend’s husband messaging you at all, let alone inappropriately. And why didn’t you either tell him to bugger off or at least ignore them?

Now you are in a bit of a mess! Your friend will surely be upset if you show them to her and she sees your ‘brush offs’ and, if you don’t show her and it ever comes out, your friendship is without doubt over.

Probably your best bet is to tell him firmly to stop and ignore any further messages and then delete them all and hope she never finds out.

Cherrysoup · 14/10/2024 17:12

I can’t understand why you didn’t immediately block him. Tell him to fuck off and block. He’s an idiot.

rarebits · 14/10/2024 17:12

ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:09

I totally get what you mean. His messages have been a bit more than casual compliments, things like “you looked really sexy last time I saw you” and asking if I’m “up for some fun” when he knows his wife isn’t around. It’s definitely crossed a line, and I’d want to know if I were in her shoes. I’m just worried about the fallout if I do tell her.

Show quote history

Whoa whoa whoa this is way over the line. Forget about asking him to stop, she deserves to know what kind of man she’s married to. Yes it may blow up your friendship but a real friend wouldn’t let another friend stay with a man like this without giving her the chance to make her own decisions about it with full knowledge. Because yeah he may stop with you, but who knows how many other women he’s doing this with, or will do with, in the future?

GretchenWienersHair · 14/10/2024 17:12

55% of people think you shouldn’t tell her? WHAT? I’m surprised. Honestly, I would tell her. What she chooses to do with that information is her call, but if he’s that audacious to be so clearly crossing a line with his wife’s friend (“up for some fun”? 🤮), I’d bet my arse that you’re not the first and certainly won’t be the last.

StMarieforme · 14/10/2024 17:12

I was the wife in this situation. He was actually doing this with many of my less close friends. I wish just one of them had told me...

Original poster
ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:12

ShowerOfShites · 14/10/2024 17:06

How the fuck did he manage to send you more than one?

Surely you told him to fuck off after the very first one?

I know I should have shut it down more firmly from the start. I didn’t want to cause drama or make things awkward with my friend, so I kind of hoped he’d stop on his own. But I realise now I should’ve been more direct and told him to stop after the first message. Lesson learned!

OP posts: