Secret phone calls…

Sorry just read the bit about him being with ex- hell no! If that's what happened all phone calls need to be out in the open. Trust can only be built with transparency!

I'm confused now.
I thought he left the house to talk to his DC but this update reads as though he is actually speaking to her not them.
Considering he was sleeping with both of you at the same time and him complying with this secret communication with her(?) / his DC (?) and that you say he doesn't take your side if she insults you I would think he is far too invested in her and sees her as his primary relationship.

Omg huge drip feed there. Well clearly you are right in not trusting him. The only question is why are you putting up with this shitty behaviour? The whole situation sounds toxic.

I am in you position ish. When my partner calls his children it's awkward they are always on speaker phone on the home side no privacy and always loud background noise. I always disappear when he does this, although they care for me, it's their dad they want to talk too. Also in all honesty I find the conversation unpredictable there is on occasion things that are said that I would not accept and he doesn't say anything about it as he has no idea who is listening in.

When they ring home we always give them privacy to speak to their mum, it's a shame that this standard is not reciprocated!

But I would just stay away from it! It makes my life a little less dramaful!

So he was having sex with you both, until you put your foot down. Hardly Mr Integrity is he. And he doesn't keep conversation about you respectful you say?
What a catch.

These poor kids. You and the ex wife have been arguing and insulting each other while the kids are having their phone call with their dad? You need to grow up and behave better.

Just for clarity, were they separated/divorced when he slept with her a number of times? Or were you actually the OW?

But he's supposed to be talking to his kids, not her?

Also, how would you know she's insulting you anyway?

Have you got kids with this man op? If not I wouldnt even consider staying with him.

OH 🙄

If he has to leave the house to speak to his children on the phone, one would assume they're already with her?

Blimey. Why would you accept him over lapping you and her both. That's a mad blurring of the lines... You'll never know where you stand unless he's all shop front and no back office, which is not realistic, and now you're here.

She wants to be able to ask her children if they are OK and to know their responses won't be censored by them knowing you're listening in. She will want to ask if they're having a good time, eaten well, if you're treating them OK and know they can be honest. The question is, why? If this is a new thing it suggests she may have a new reason to be concerned. Perhaps one if the DC has complained to her about something that happens in your household? Of she's expecting it if your husband also then she must have given him a reason, surely? Ask him what it is.

Ok just saw your update.

Sounds like you'd be better off not with this man at all.

The children deserve a one to one relationship with their dad. It could be as simple as that.

There was a thread the other day where a lot of people talked about how their stepmothers never allowed them one to one time or phone calls with their fathers and it's very sad.

My stepmother was and is very insecure and finds my dad's children a threat. I really wish my dad had made sure he and I got one to one time when I was growing up and now too. It's nothing against the stepmother and it's nice to have family time with everyone there and even one to one time with my stepmother.
But kids of separated parents need one to one relationships with each of their parents.

Maybe the children have asked? Do they feel inhibited talking to their father if they think someone else is listening in? Particularly if he is on speaker or video?
Were you involved in him splitting from their mother?

I think it is ok to ask WHY this request has been made but it would be massively controlling to insist on being there when he talks to his kids. He has every right to have his conversations with them in private, regardless of what they talk about.

Op isn't wanting to listen in, she's wondering why anyone should need to go out of their way to ensure she can't hear any of the conversation.
It's an odd request.

Why shouldn't op be in the same house when a conversation is happening, just going about her normal business?

Possible reasons why the ex should request this are many.
From the stupid but harmless - ex is touchy over the fact of op's existence... To the alarming - something untoward is going on (someone's behaviour is out of line, op/Dp/ex).

Possible reasons why the DH should go along with the request/instruction are many.
From the stupid but harmless - he's trying to keep the peace and she uses the kids as a bargaining chip to keep him in line... To the alarming - someone's behaviour is out of line.

All you can do is talk to him op, try to find out why she wanted that and why he went shopping with it... And see what's what.

There must be more to this. How would they even know you were there unless you're getting involved somehow. But also, why do you feel like you need to be in the room. Presumably he's talking to his DC not gossiping about you to his ex

I am more inclined to be suspicious unless there's a background of you interfering or making unwanted comments.
My ex used to insist he had to have private and secret calls with the mother of his children but it turned out that was because he was still sleeping with her.