Secret phone calls…

I mean we can't ignore the blatant obvious red flag that he is appeasing the wishes of his ex wife over the wishes of his current wife. It's one thing if his children asked for phone calls to be private to of course appease that wish but the OP and subsequent posts read as if he is doing this for his ex wife rather than his children. If this is my husband this is a key factor in deciding how I feel about this. If this is coming directly from his children ok. If its coming from his ex wife and he is listening to her then not ok.

That’s one hell of a plot twist.

I don’t know why you would trust this man one bit. What’s the long term plan here because if they do it once they will do it again ….

I think you’ve got bigger issues than their phone conversations. It’s not feasible to expect him not to have contact with his ex-wife and not to see here because of the children . Do you really want to spend your life monitoring his phone calls and whereabouts. That sounds awful.

Really!
And you're still with him, Why?

"Why not trust him"?

Because:

EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 12:50
He had slept with her while we were together a number of times and I forgave him but had asked him for transparency when communicating with her etc. so I didn’t understand why he had to leave the house to speak to his children.

Umm what is my husband's ex wife stated that every time she talks to my own husband on the phone it needed to be secret from me I would wonder what she was saying untoward that there couldn't be full transparency with his own wife. That's way out of line to tell anyone that all phone calls must be kept hidden from someone's own spouse let alone an ex. I would think she still fancied him bc in my book if everything is on the up and up no need for things to be hidden, right? To be fair though I will say I would blame my husband who owes me his loyalty as his wife for putting his ex wife s wishes above mine and not immediately laughing in her face at such a ridiculous request and actually obliging to her request.

Did you get in bed with him while he was married?

Otherwise why not trust him. Who gives a crap what they are talking about.

And the OP as his wife has every right to expect transparency in her marriage and to not expect to be treated as some outsider within her own marriage. I think if his kids reached out and said something along the lines of, "hey dad once in a while I would like to have a one on one phone call to connect parent to child" that is one thing and entirely acceptable and in the realm of normal but that is a huge leap from saying every phone call needs to be kept hidden from the OP when it's not at the kids request but rather at the ex wife's request. It's about the principle of the whole thing for me. It wouldn't bother me near as much if the request cam directly from his child so he was listening to his own child's request ok fine (although we would still be having conversations about my role) but the fact the ex wife and not his children requested this and he is appeasing his ex wife over his own wife is the problem. IMO that sets a bad precedent for the future. If he caves and lets his ex wife walk all over him and call the shot now what else will he cave and give into for her? Sounds like OP's husband needs to grow a bit of a backbone.

They are married you guys are weird about having conversations with your own spouse. Of course no matter what the issue is this person is still your spouse and you always reserve the right with your own spouse to bring up any topic you want to with them. If you ever feel uncomfortable to do so then you probably married the wrong person. This isn't a boss or a colleague or an acquaintance but your life partner the person you made vows to.

I don't think it's about insisting on being there but the fact he is listening to his ex wife and allowing her to dictate how he handles his phone calls let alone at the expense of his own wife isn't acceptable. And to answer your question yes I would find it strange if my own husband needed to make sure I wasn't in earshot for phone calls with parents, friends, etc... we are married and the closest relationship is the one we have with each other. You mention parents as an example. Why would my husband need to keep phone calls separate from me his own wife? M husbands parents also upon marriage became my MIL and FIL therefore my family as well so if it affects my husband as his wife and his life partner is will naturally by proxy affect me as well. It would rub me the wrong way that my husband is listening to his ex wife over my feelings the current wife.

Why are you eavesdropping?
Maybe that's why she wants to talk privately.

Said her or your narrative?

Oh this is giving all the wrong vibes. Sorry 😕

The youngest of kids can use a mobile phone, make your own demands. Why does the ex need to be present for these 'private' phone calls? Stick the phone on speaker phone and ask her to leave the room and supervise from the doorway?? Keeping her mouth shut.
Having already cheated, and still exhibiting cheating habits I would be worried. Either as suggested get an exit plan ready or address it head in. The next time he goes into the bedroom to take a call, follow him and make it obvious you are listening, ask him who is it, . If he says it's someone you know say ok let me say hi. See what he says. Call him out on his behaviour. If it's work etc say put on speaker. When off the phone. make a note of the phone number before he delete s. Watch his behaviour. Don't let him have his cake and eat it just because you feel you can't leave due to circumstances.

Forget the phone calls. Forget the ex wife. New focus needs to be getting a job to support yourself financially and leave him. He not only cheated on you with his ex wife but he tolerates her slagging you off (and even worse is it's clearly in front of the children!) and he bends to her whims. He has you both doing a pick me dance whilst he prances about in the middle playing which ever role he fancies at the time. He is a waste of space

That he's cheated on you with her makes this very concerning. He shouldn't be having private conversations with a woman he's cheated with, and his children are old enough to speak to him without her being around.

You have a dp problem, a big one.

Everything this poster said is correct ^ you are being unreasonable because you don’t respect yourself enough. Only you can change yourself, not us.

OP, let him off.
He's scum.
Focus on reaching out for help to get away from him.

i think I would be throwing this one back, sounds a very unhealthy dynamic to be part of.

I feel like there is something we don’t know about here.

I have a good relationship with my husbands ex-wife and their children. Don’t get involved in their co-parenting but I am informed of anything going on that I need to know about.

Have you interfered with anything in the past ? Or has he used you as a scapegoat ?

What is your relationship with her like ?

The conversations he’s having with his kids aren’t any of your business. He’s allowed to have privacy abs conversations you aren’t privy to, even with his ex wife.

what specifically are you concerned he may be speaking about ?