To un-RSVP to this wedding?

Because she thought everyone was paying it! I’d be a bit offended myself if I found out that the family expected me to pay an extra £500 to attend but not my siblings.

OP was perfectly happy to pay that when she accepted the invite! It's only now that she's starting to have an issue with it.

Totally agree with wrongpennies. Op do you not have people you are closer to than others who you also like? It boggles my mind that this enrages you so much! You definitely shouldn’t go because you are so angry you won’t be able to keep it in.

Thanks, I missed that. Gosh that's alot of money. I'd give the wedding a miss, based on that alone.

I'm heavily on the side of you being unreasonable.

In this scenario where there are a limited number of rooms, the couple obviously are within their rights to offer those rooms to who they want. They may have thought you wouldn't come because you have a child and it's a long way from home and wouldn't be able to get childcare. Just like the other sibling who wasn't offered a room. So why offer a room knowing high chance it will be rejected? Creating more work to then invite another sibling. Also, they might assume you don't want to party late on into the night and that's their plan back in the accommodation. And they invited those they knew would want that to stay there.
If they did a 'there's 2 rooms free anyone can have them' then they run the risk of anyone else booking them when really they only live 20 minutes away and are only coming for the evening.
Maybe they are closer to other cousins. So what? Are you equally close to everyone you invited to your wedding? Should they only invite as many people as there are rooms for?

If you want to have a rule that you only attend weddings where you are the VIP guests and you're in the couple's inner circle then fine. But Its ridiculous to kick up a fuss, possibly risk causing family arguments and divides just because someone was offered a cheaper room than you. Even though you admitted you can comfortably afford it.

It was only a duty invite. Decline using the suggested wording. Use the money to visit the elderly relatives over the winter. They'll appreciate you visiting and the B&G get to reduce their catering costs. Win win.

I would think the Groom's Dad /Mother has said your FIL should be lodged in the castle, (being older generation & his/her brother), along with his 2nd closer "family".
Its not necessarily the groom's precise choice.

Yes your H comes after the 2nd family, but he cant change that.

Marriages are full of parental influences & politics

The invitation was accepted knowing the OP would have to drive. Where the cousins stay is irrelevant to that.

Taking offence is, to some extent, a choice. If the OP and her husband were happy to go, it’s not a requirement to now throw their toys out of the pram.

Cancel if you feel strongly that you've been aggrieved. There will be consequences to that choice, but you may feel that you don’t care if there are.

Or, stick with your plan and go and enjoy yourself. Responses to hurt feelings don’t always have to be nuclear level.

i think your cousin is being very mean tbh. I understand where you are coming from. The rule is to keep all classes of guests the same. If one cousin got family accommodation the others should (unless everyone knows there was a reason to treat them differently such as they see each other all the time rather than once a year). It seems you think you had the same relationship with the cousin so should have been treated the same.

id honestly decline politely and say thank you for the offer but the time and accommodation cost is too high. We would have appreciated staying in the family accommodation with the rest of the family and unsure why we were excluded but the result it it makes the trip too expensive and difficult.

I'm not going to give my opinion on this OP because there is absolutely no point. 15 pages of you repeating the same story over and over and over again. You've clearly made your mind up that they are wrong and you are right so just decline the invite!

I have read this thread and you are right. You should cancel as I think if they wanted to marry in Scotland then those that are getting accomodation on site with transport should be only ones to attend as its not fair to make others fork out more.
And as your updates suggest about the structure of the family in truth yes they are closer to the ones with accomodation and prob only invited you and your husband out of necessity
So that being said I think uiu could just be polite and decline the invite if you wish to be truthful on the reason that's on u

Maybe DH isn't the reason you've not been included ...

Honestly OP whatever happens now you're clearly not going to enjoy it because of your seething resentment so best to cancel your plans.

Also you can't un-RSVP. What you're proposing is cancelling having previously said you'll attend.

That's why your DH was invited to the wedding. The room allocation stuff is more likely due to FIL and wife being their parent's brother and SIL and so their children are seen as part of them. As sad as it is, your DH and sister did not grow up in that family unit and that is why they are treated differently. Not less close. Not less imporant. Just differently. It's what happens when families split.

It's not your DH's fault, but nor is it anyone else's in the extended family. If your DH feels rejected because of his father, that's who he should be taking this out on.

I understand the initial disappointment at finding out that you are not among the ‘top 50%’ of cousins, but to take the huff about it is a little childish in my opinion.
Just because you’re not the favourite cousin doesn’t mean you’re not wanted or valued. They still invited you. There are a finite number of rooms after all and actually for all you know they tossed a coin to decide who to offer them to. It doesn’t necessarily follow that they don’t care about you being there.
I’m sure there are tonnes of friends that the married couple very much hope will be there, but who aren’t offered any of the family rooms.
If you liked the idea enough to shell out £500 in the first place, I think it’s worth still going. Just give yourself time to digest your disgruntlement and then move on.

OP 74% Inc me say YANBU

Ignore the "advice givers" who seem to be trying to make you feel bad, un-RSVP saying you are very sorry thay it is no longer practical for you to attend but wish them a lovely day, and get on with planning something lovely to do as a family with the £s you'll save by not travelling.

If I was your DH I would be hurt and offended. And I understand why you would be happy not to go after this, however it is HIS family, the decision to cancel has to come from him imo. Yes you are free to say for yourself that you don't want to go, but you shouldn't be making his decision for him. And if he does choose to suck it up and go anyway to maintain the family connection he does have then I'd want to go and support him if it was me.
If you pressure him to cancel and it ends up causing a rift which he regrets then you would be to blame, if it was me I wouldn't want that level of responsibility!

Basically I would take a step back and let him make his own choice regarding his family.

(I mean, if it was me I'd have declined in the first place, social anxious total introvert, big fancy destination wedding sounds like hell on earth to me and I think choosing to marry so far from all your family and making it a multi day event is pretty selfish.
But me being a miserable git isn't really the point 😆)

OP should read her own posts again, maybe then she’d know it’s not her own wedding. 🙄

@Beautiful3
OP states nearby accommodation is £250pn
I'd be giving it a miss, 3 days off and the cost, what a faff

I thought this would have been picked up by the DM by now and deleted.

Have you looked into alternative accommodation? Is there anything reasonable nearby? Would it mean paying for a taxi too? If it suddenly became very expensive then yes I'd cancel. They're asking alot from guests already. I wouldn't spend that much on a wedding.

So I might have got this wrong but, Mr &Mrs Smith had 2 dcs.
They then divorced and Mr Smith married Miss Jones who already had a child. They then had a child together.
Mr Smiths nephew is getting married. The nephew had offered accommodation to Mr & Miss Jone’s children ie the children brought up in that family.
The op’s dh is the child who lived with their mother ie no longer family as the mother is now divorced.
That makes sense.
It isn’t wrong of the bride and groom it is just a fact of second and subsequent families. There was a thread on here about men going on to have more children with other women, some posters tried to defend it but here we have a clear example of how deeply it can affect the children from the first marriage.
Anyhow, it isn’t the bride & groom’s fault.
Make a decision now and stick to it.
Either go and suck it up. Or decline the invite and get on with life.
The real issue here is the damage caused by the dh’s parent and all the bad feelings which have been brought to the surface.
Op- I would leave this in your dh’s court, let him decide, but don’t leave it long, the B& G should be told straight away if you don’t intend going.

It’s over six months away! It’s perfectly acceptable to say no now.

I get saying no from the start that is understandable but saying no now seems childish to be honest, it is not your wedding