To un-RSVP to this wedding?

The point of my question is you don't want to go yet he wants to isn't it? We've told you to support your husband and go with him but you've refused, now we ask why he still wants to go you're getting upset, so what do you want from this thread?

Again I don't see the point in you spending ages going back and forth on mumsnet, decide what you want to do with your husband do it. If you want to pull out go ahead, you have enough valid reasons to do so, and if you decide to go then go. I don't see what you're going to get by conditioning the back and forth on this thread. The issue is you and your DH have to agree on what you do.

But yes my question is valid if he hasn't been likes by his family all his life why is he still so eager to keep being a doormat for them? Again your not close to them, this isn't new so I'm still it sure why you're getting all upset and acting like your DH was close to them. His brother knows where he stands and wisely declined but you and your DH accepted despite the fact you claim there has been years and years of abuse, neglect and trauma.

So again why does your husband still want to go despite all you have said?

If your husband's wants to go do he can get them to like him then he has some serious work to do on himself and that should be your priority not this wedding.

Even forgetting the back story and the issue with rooms I would not be leaving my child for 3 days, spending all of my time and annual leave on this! You could probably take your dd to Disneyland or equivalent for a few days for the same cost!! This is a chronic waste of your time and money op.

I would not go, stating the exorbitant costs and travel, and use the money to buy some counselling sessions for your dh and a treat for your little girl. Family trauma is not fixed by doing more for the very people that hurt you. Your dh needs to find his self respect, and stop chasing those that are just using him as party filler for their special occasions.

Use the wonderfully worded text posted by pp and enjoy the money and time off doing something you actually like and want to do!

I'm slightly surprised they have 100 people willing to travel to Scotland to stay at the castle. How many are going to the wedding in total?

They obviously see your FIL's children with his current wife as closer family than the two children from his first marriage. Thus the B list invite. It sounds like it would only annoy, and embarrass, your DH more to be there as a second tier guest.

That tells you exactly where you are in the pecking order. I wouldn't go if it was me. Sounds like you've gotten an invite because they felt obliged to invite you. The cost is too much to attend a wedding of someone thst doesn't care if you attend or not.

Its probably not intentional, they thought FILl would have help/company? Maybe they are travelling together?

But i know only too well how this can cause upset & stir up unspoken hurt.
I think the best thing is not to go.
What if you are then put on a table at the back ?
Or if you go, just be determined to make the most of it, & enjoy meeting other people !

If FIL* asks why you're not going, tell him the truth*

A child free, destination wedding in the school holidays was never going to please everyone. If your dd had been invited you could have made it into a lovely holiday Depending on which castle the wedding is being held at you may have got a luxury caravan on a site nearby for the price of your 2 nights in a hotel. I wouldn’t go but it would be the child free aspect that would put me off.

@SaltySallyAnne - again, I think they didn't put you on the accommodation list because they didn't think you'd attend due to having kids

I don't think this means they don't want you there, and I see no basis for thinking you're being left out of other events. That's unhealthy thinking.

Did you let them know you’d like a room when they sent the invite? Were the rooms maybe allocated on a first come first served basis?

Could it be that the others mentioned it was costing a lot and the couple offered?

They can invite who they want to invite and surely only a select number can get the rooms at the wedding venue. They will pick their favourites for this. If you cannot get over not being one of their favourites then by all means don't go but when you listed the reasons for going at the start, you listed other reasons :

we can just about afford the hotel and
it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus
there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to

Does not being a favourite negate these reasons?
TBH I think you guys sound a bit childish and need to get over not being the favourites.
You have plenty of time to tell them you are not going so don't worry about that but maybe spend some time thinking if you are right in feeling so slighted.

A. Why on earth does this mean there's probably other events he's not invited to?

B. Even if there are, is that really such a big deal? This isn't a parent favouring one child over the other, it's a cousin having different relationship with different cousins. That's fine even if some of them are siblings.

It's all a bit juvenile, a bit "don't leave your brother out, you have to play with him". They're adults, it's ok if they have different relationships.

Difficult one. I do totally get how your husband is feeling, and I sympathise, but the logical side of me can’t help but think that if places to stay were limited, as they were, there obviously has to be a cut off somewhere and it’s just bad luck he was on the ‘wrong’ side of the cut, so to speak! I wouldn’t let this sway my decision to attend, but if it’s otherwise too expensive or too much hassle overall, then you’re not obliged to go!

If you were happy to go in the first place then I'd still go, your DH may regret missing the last big family event if any of the older relatives die in the near future.

It sounds like they've maybe offered to those 2 siblings as they don't have kids, and are therefore the most likely to go to a child free wedding. Or they could have had 2 rooms left and picked 2 names out of a hat. I think your husband is overthinking it based on how he felt as a child.

Are you sure the venue info wasn’t included in your invite as well? I would have expected it (excluding immediate family/ wedding party) to be a first come first served situation in relation to booking

So why does he still want to go? That the cruz of the issue now isn't it? Knowing that they don't consider you as their core circle and are not as close to you as they are to the others you do not want to go anymore which makes sense but your DH still wants to go?

You say you're in greater need of the rooms as you have higher expenses - a kid and a mortgage. So the siblings who got the rooms don't have kids/mortgages? And they're younger? Then I think they did this for two reasons:

1. It's a childfree Thursday wedding - they assumed people with kids, including you, would decline.

2. They see you and your other sibling with kids as more 'adult' and less in need than the two younger siblings. (Regardless of whether or not that's actually true.)

I think it's clumsy and it's not have I would have handled it (I would also not be dragging everyone to the other end of the country on a Thursday but hey ho) but it might not have any implications for how close they are to your husband.

I wouldn’t go. While I would be able to accept the room offer could be because the others are closer and they had limited space, I would be really pissed off they couldn’t at least offer the transport to all cousins. It makes it very clear who they really want there

Problem sorted!
Send a tenner and job done 😁