AIBU to not host Christmas this year?

And don't make excuses! Just say you've decided to do it differently this year. And follow up with 'you're very welcome to come over for the Christmas Party on the 16th/whatever. It'll be fun!'

If they don't want to do that, they can suit themselves.

Rip it off like a plaster, honestly. Just tell them now that you're doing things differently this year. When everyone freaks out (which they will; people hate it when others don't behave to type, especially if they're cheeky fuckers, or used to making everything good for the cheeky fuckers) just ignore it, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. And it will. Just sit with those feelings and come here so we can talk you down from trying to 'fix things' for everyone else. After a few days it'll feel better, and then you can just keep repeating your mantra - we're doing it differently this year! They'll get used to it. It's honestly as easy as that.

OP doesn't need to excuse her perfectly reasonable choice to not do it. 'this year', 'a bit tight' are unnecessary things to say and opens the door for the same scenario in future years.

They may not work but they DO live life so they clearly have some money coming in from somewhere.

If it’s the expense that bothers you I’d pop out a message now to say you’re happy to host but with cost of living etc you’re asking for £X contribution to food shop, or as an alternative you’d be happy to create a list of items and ask people to pick which items that they will buy and bring with them.

My parents used to host everyone for Christmas as they just LOVE being the hosts and my mum loves cooking, so in the run up to Christmas we would make a list of all the items and then all guests (me & DH, sister & BIL, grandparents, aunties etc) would divide the list up between us and each buy a chunk of it so that although my parents still got to be the hosts & cook which they love, they didn’t have to pay for any of the food shopping.

So how many people/families are you regularly hosting
Could you get away with saying you are having a quiet one this year ,and just invite your mum .
Other people can see each other over Christmas,with out the expectations of you paying for all the food like you would on Christmas day .
Your brother is perfectly capable of cooking a Christmas dinner at his house and you could visit him in the new year .
Don't be pressured in to what you don't want
It suits everyone to have you organise the food and host ,it lets them all of the hook ,so there will be push back to you making changes
But if you do it now ,in plenty of time ,they all have chance to make different plans

It isn't your job to facilitate your mum seeing all her grandchildren and your kids seeing their cousins. I am sure they will all survive. Think of yourself for a change. You cannot enjoy Christmas if you are simmering with resentment. Just tell your brother that things are a bit tight this year so you are not doing a big family Christmas. People are very thick skinned. He probably thinks you enjoy it.

I think if I went ahead and had them over it would be a basic roast only. Hide all of your Christmas snacks and alcohol etc.

I don’t see why they should be able to freeload their way through life, it’s teaching their kids an awful example but you’re all playing along with their behaviour and making it look acceptable. Someone has to step in and say enough is enough.

Can you invite your mum for the whole day and your brother and family come over late afternoon and put on a buffet. You'll all have eaten plenty during the day so it can be a light meal and just put out what you want them to have. That way your mum is happy but it cuts right down on your hosting duties and means you don't have to deal with the guilt!

Just invite your mum! She can make plans to see your brother and his family separately.

Why don't they work? How many kids do they have?

I'd go with a casual gathering on Boxing Day.

Why aren’t either of them working? How do they get away with that?

I would want to tell them you can’t afford it this year but if you have niece/nephews then I’d feel like I had to go ahead so they have a nice day. As a minimum I’d tell them they need to contribute.

You could invite only your mum. Or you could talk to him about it: tell him new way this year: he needs to contribute financially or directly by buying eg the booze, and also in effort, eg he needs to cook a course or do the clearing up. Invite them for one night only, they arrive Xmas morning, leave after breakfast Boxing Day. Don’t be afraid to tell him you’re sick of hosting, want to please your mum and for the kids to see each other, but this is your limit so he needs to take or leave it.

The martyrdom game is just stupid, frankly. Don't do it. I never have, and unsurprisingly, I always have stress-free, happy Christmases.

Do you want solutions? You’re fine inviting your mum and not your brother’s family. If your mum won’t come without them she doesn’t come either, she can host them or they can host her. It’s not complicated.

Could you all meet In the middle of the homes, sometime over the holidays and go somewhere for afternoon and then just have your mum for dinner?

So? You tell them that's the plan, they decline because they have no money, win win

You seem to want to host your freeloader brother and family - if you don't, don't.

But it's pointless starting a thread and then arguing with people who are supporting you in not hosting him.

So it's not just about your mum then...

Ok so what I'd do is have a Christmas get-together earlier in the month instead. Just a weekend thing, no big dinner etc. Instead do a buffet of Christmassy foods/treats. Cousins can all see each other, mum will be happy and then you can have a quiet, chilled, cosy and actually happy Christmas Day. Best of both worlds.

Book Christmas dinner out somewhere? Then you can avoid running around after him and he can pay his share