AIBU to not host Christmas this year?

OP, I agree with everyone who has said that the family gathering doesn't have to be on Christmas Day with all the associations and aggravations.

Your brother has no impetus to change an arrangement that works so well for him and his family.

You're probably already reconciled to funding an entire meal if you go to Wetherspoons | similar for their Christmas Special (1 to 2 weeks in advance) but it probably would meet your mother's desire to see everyone together on one day and be less irritating for you in many ways. She would be unreasonable to insist that the mass gathering has to be Christmas Day. Christmas Day lunch with you and then tea at your brother's sounds like a good plan, whether the tea is on Christmas Day or Boxing Day is up to them.

The problem with this though is, as OP has explained, brother will turn up with the cheapest asda frozen trifle and one cider as his "contribution" and then eat all the nice stuff op has bought.

telling them "there won't be much alcohol" - what happens if she or her dh want a drink - if they open a nice bottle of wine or pour themselves a rum how does she stop brother and sil from pouring themselves a glass or taking a slice of the expensive cake she bought for her family? Smack their hands away? That's just going to cause an atmosphere. How does she explain to a 5 year old nephew that his cousin gets a yummy chocolate pudding but he isn't allowed any, or that they get meat with their dinner but he doesn't because his dad didn't bring any?

Either she also has to limit herself and her whole family have a rubbish Christmas meal with the cheapest possible food and one drink each all day (which given shes said she enjoys treating her family and having nice stuff - which is fair enough at christmas! will just be a bit shit) or she will be constantly on the look out that they aren't eating her "nice" stuff - either way it will lead to resentment.

You can't just "tell" people like this that they need to contribute and expect them to do so fairly and appropriately - if they had that sort of self awareness and decency they wouldn't take the piss in the first place.

And even if they bought some food OP will still be the one running round doing all the cooking and cleaning.

If she tries a "compromise" then the onus will be all on her to constantly enforce the new boundaries, again and again, all day, while everyone else is trying to override them because "it's Christmas, are you really going to deny your own brother a beer?" "Who cares who brought what, we're all family arent we?" Etc.
Her mum, brother and his family have an interest in maintaining the status quo - they aren't going to suddenly see the error of their ways and become decent people, theyll pay lip service to it to get her off their backs and then just act exactly the same as always.

😂Oh yes let's see if there's another woman to rope in, to facilitate this arsehole brother's slobbishness.

They might be living in a mortgage free house because they manage to freeload off everyone else!

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.
At some point you have to overcome the guilt at not giving your mum everything she wants at Christmas - she's raised this lazy bastard, it's not your job to pick up her baton and let it continue!

Once you say no the first time, it does get easier. View it as modelling good examples for your children, so they don't grow up letting others take the piss.

But its not up to you to make that happen ...

Does your SIL help? Cook a course?

Just tell him you found hosting too full on last year and you can't afford to host everyone this year but you can host your mum. Meet up somewhere else for a Christmas get together.

Well. Meditate on this, seriously. Every martyr gets something out of it. Maybe its worth it to you, maybe increasingly its not. It must be very sad and degrading for you and your miserable brother to play this endless, childish, repeat of golden gift giver OP and greedy, useless, brother. Ir, from another point of view, scapegoat/utility girl OP and her golden child brother.

What happens is mum doesn’t see all the grandkids together at yours? End of the world?

Agreed! invite mum for Xmas day .
Tell brother he can come with kids on Boxing Day for movie and popcorn day . (For the kids sake )
Tell Him to bring the popcorn.
You can do a wee buffet pick plate from leftovers and don’t supply any food .

I stopped hosting my brother and his family a few years ago. I just make excuses each time he asks. I figured that I was important too and didn't want a full on breakdown (obviously not talking about just a day but 4-5 days at a time).

Life is better when you get rid of reasons for resentment. I promise.

I'd do that.

I agree with the paring down. And telling them there won't be much alcohol so they need to provide it.

Are you wealthy? If not tell them the rise in the cost of living means you can't afford to host them unless they contribute. They'd have to buy everything if they stay home. Don't fall for the we have no money shit. They're royally taking the piss out of you. Emotional blackmail.

I've been martyring myself for the past 20 years OP, because each Christmas I tell myself this will 'probably be Mum's last Christmas' and the guilt wins. She's still going.

But if you suggest this then no one can say you’re excluding them?

Perfect

No, you're possibly just compounding the guilt, I think.

Which is great if OP has the time, energy and inclination to get to that place mentally in the next 2 months, otherwise she might end up in a worse position this year with an even more miserable Christmas feeling guilty, upset and worrying about potential fall out.

A compromise could allow OP to 100% suit herself by seeing her mum happy while also feeling no resentment toward a greedy brother.

Christmas day isn't the day to be hiding expensive food/drink etc. Or to be sitting there seething with resentment! Invite bro's fam for a buffet on Boxing Day, giving a very specific list of things they need to bring. Have a lovely luxurious Christmas day with your own family and your mum.

Nah sorry OP i wouldn't take that shit any more, he's freeloaded off you long enough, time for him to sort himself out. They clearly have money from somewhere!
Just tell you mum honestly your fed up of paying for it all and doing all the work, it's ruining your Christmas.
If you do cave then go the buffet option a PP mentioned. Nice lunch for you guys and your mum, brother comes round around 4:30 for a LIGHT buffet, hide any nice wine and spirits, put out cheap wine or match him by getting cider.
BE STRONG OP!

Go with your first choice. Do something nice for yourself and your family. Take a break.

We have a family Boxing Day. So we get to indulge just ourselves and “do” Christmas Day our way, which is less expensive and less boozy than it might otherwise be with family.

Why don’t you have your mum on Christmas Day and then arrange a family day on Boxing Day? Either a leftovers buffet with the proviso that the fart-knockers bring their own drinks (and do not share yours!) or go out somewhere and if they can’t save up, that’s a shame but you offered the suggestion. So kids get to play, mum gets to pretend it’s all happy families, and you get to enjoy your Chrimbo.

Can you direct him? What would he do?
Brother can you help set the table? Brother it’s your turn to do the washing up this year. Brother can you clear the plates from the table in to the dishwasher?

Would he refuse? Or would he even begrudgingly get off his arse and help?

I must admit I’m a bit shit at helping in someone else’s house because I don’t like to tread on toes and I can’t see what needs doing, I know that sounds stupid but I can’t. If someone asks me to do something specific I will absolutely do it though

Book a cruise or trip to somewhere warm for Christmas and don’t be available.

I wouldn't normally be so forthright but you've mentioned it yourself that she may not have long. Something to think about. Honestly Christmas Eve through Boxing Day is my favourite time of year - complete relaxation and no stress - because I'm happy to include everyone and make it lovely but I do so in a way that works for me because I'm just as valid as everyone else and I'm going to enjoy Christmas too!

Life really is too short to waste it being angry about things you could actually do something about! 💐

Have a very pared down Christmas eg just enough food and cheap wine, no Champagne- everything cheap as chips. Just make sure you get the things your mum really likes as that's what's important. Many people are doing that this year. The. Your family can have all the nice things on another day. Don't indulge this greedy family any more. Don't have drinks on tap - you don't need to. Say you're having a low alcohol Christmas but they can bring drinks if they want to!