AIBU to not host Christmas this year?

this is a great idea. Then just invite your mum on xmas day

The only people who get upset by you setting boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having any.

I would invite for a simple lunch and a walk on Boxing Day. Nothing big. No alcohol. Nothing expensive.

Mum could join us for Christmas. Her choice. Brother not invited.

I remember my mum saying to her MIL, "So basically I've got to wait until you die before I have the sort of Christmas I want?"

I agree with the poster who said you should all go to a carvery one day before Christmas. Honestly, OP, I wouldn't have him at my house at any time, never mind Christmas Day.

Your mum has had her own way every year for however many years. It's time for you to have your own way over this.

For the sake of your mum and the cousins, I would invite them for the afternoon on Christmas Eve and do a simplified but lovely buffet supper. Ask them to bring the desert but have a lovely home made trifle or something hidden away for after they have left. If BiL finds it, tell him….. no! that’s for tomorrow.
Then book yourself a lovely Christmas Day lunch out for you all and your mum.

How do they own their own house outright with no mortgage if they have never worked?

Book a Harvester or something a few days before Christmas, everyone pays for themselves and just have your mum Christmas day.

Probably make a habit of letting everyone pay for everything all the time,hence being able to pay for their house lol. Most wealthy people are tight arses.

Ridiculous, I would not be having him over at all. Also confused how they can doss around not working and get away with it.

Either just host your mum or tell your brother you're struggling financially so they'd have to contribute on the food before Christmas. No money by November or they make excuses,don't host them.

Out of interest, what kind of Christmas would brother provide if he stayed at home. I'm sure he would find money to feed himself and family - and maybe not just cheap stuff. If his mortgage is paid off then there must be money coming in so he's just a freeloader and can sit comfortably knowing he or his missus doesn't have to lift a finger or spend any money. These kind of freeloaders make my blood boil. Christmas should be everyone pulling together.

what would happen if you said they have to host?

or they have to do the cooking at your home?

Definitely!

And let them know now, so they've got time to make other arrangements, or, if they end up coming to you, to stay in a nearby hotel and only join you for the main meal. And tell him what his chores will be on the day, if he does come. Write it down - don't worry about offending or patronising him.

Thanks for your update a few minutes ago and stay strong.

If your children miss their cousins, explaining to them why (in an age appropriate way) could be a valuable lesson to them not to accept freeloaders and lazy people.

? You need to speak to your brother and ask for a contribution towards food.
I appreciate that you want to make your mum happy and this solution might lessen your understandable resentment.
To be a SAHP with no mortgage is a luxury and a rarity IMO

I would do a Christmas eve tea and exchange presents then send your brother on his way and let mum stay over

Tell them you are needing to cut back due to the cost of living and you can't afford to feed everyone a full works Christmas meal so thought this was quit a suitable alternative - you never know, he might offer to cough up some money towards a Christmas dinner, and then tell him he will also be on washing up duties - oh, and it a BYOB

Pick a spot with a suitable outdoor space for the kids if your mum is well enough for a bit of a walk if the weather is fair and afternoon tea somewhere.

Boxing Day lunch or even the 27th since they don't work is a good way out of it. Something to do 'Twixtmas and no pressure to produce a full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings and faff.

And I would be straight with your brother. You're not hosting this year. [If pressed then simply say it's exhausting, he doesn't contribute financially or physically in any way to lighten the workload of the day and takes advantage of your good nature and your hospitality. You will feel so much better] They are welcome on X day to do Y between the hours of A & B.

Christmas is one of the few times I see my (large) family together.

I don't host as my house simply cannot house them all so we tend to go to my dbro/sil, but everyone pitches in.

Tell you brother you want a more relaxed Christmas this year and time to spend with your own children too as you are find the pressure too much and give him a list of things he and his family are responsible for -

Bringing desserts (making a trifle isn't expensive)
Veg prep in the morning or evening before
Washing up after
Clearing kitchen and putting bins out
Making breakfast/supper.......
etc............

Sometimes people feel they are overstepping or interfering if they do try to help.

If he says no then tell him then you need to reduce numbers as it is too much for you to do alone and you don't get to enjoy Christmas.

P24 I hear you! For many years I hosted .and made sure Mum had a good Christmas .She enjoyed herself hugely .She would always insist on buying some Crackers or Christmas cake and so on ,or would often give me £ 10.00 "towards costs" Bless her .She has been gone many years now, and Christmas we always miss her ,(Also she died on the 19th Dec!)I am cheered by happy memories and her being here with us.I dont think you will regret having put her first. For OP I would still carry on ,Christian charity and all that.Also although DB seems a CF maybe he is struggling ? If not at work he will not have a huge income .If it makes Mum happy continue for now . Ask him for some Quality Street or whatever.and cut down a little ,on your food , maybe get a nice frozen Turkey .own brand pud/cake and some Baileys. supermarket Beers /crisps whatever.Have a rest boxing day and bring out the Good Stuff then!

Ask brother to.pick her up and take her to husband house for a couple of hours.
I would otherwise ask him to bring x, y, z ... tell him you can't afford to keep paying for everything a d even if you could, it's simply not fair.

OP why do you think you don’t deserve a nice Christmas too?

Meal out and all pay for their own.