Let them. (What have you walked away from and not looked back?)

Someone asked up thread how this is different to ghosting, and I’d say that I have ‘ghosted’ people as a last resort, when they will just not fucking let go.

When I know that they will never stop wanting more from me or finding me lacking or feeling neglected and hustling me for more or different levels of contact. When there is no possibility of ending a relationship amicably, with their ‘permission’, because they’ll just try again and again to tell me how I’m wrong and need to see things their way and need to do things the way they want me to.

I have gone NC with people who don’t know how to relate to others without controlling them, because their whole thing is that they go through life with a constant fear of abandonment and a sense of grievance that nobody cares enough. And they need to keep others in the position of the neglectful / uncaring other. And the whole relationship becomes about my trying to prove that I care and their never finding it enough.

Nothing I can do will ever fill that hole for them. It’s sad but I had to choose my own emotional survival.

I’ve never had friendships or relationships with high levels of conflict or confrontation, let alone raised voices or shouting or name calling or any of that stuff - I can’t stand it, and it’s not a dynamic I want in my life at all. So if someone wants all that drama and intensity they can find someone else to have it with.

Also I don’t get at all why you’d pursue someone who’s not communicating with you. If they’re flaky, you’re not going to fix that by complaining to them about it. If they don’t want to talk to you, you’re just going to make a nuisance of yourself if you insist on trying to make them understand how you feel. Sometimes we have to take the hint. Other people don’t owe us friendship on our terms.

Sometimes things just don’t work out between people and that’s just life. It’s normal. Not every uncomfortable or painful situation is a problem to be solved.

I think some people live off the energy in conflict / one upmanship.
You can continue to engage and inadvertently feed and enable these people.

Or you can 'drop the rope' in the game - releasing the tension, energy and hold they have on you as you are now 'not playing'.

Detach in your head - step back and step up. Indifference is a chilly experience for the recipient and a lot less satisfying for them than the tension/conflict they try to whip up.

I find it easier to be aware if being in someones company leaves me confused or unsettled rather than having a higher boundary of feeling attacked - because bullys often do their damage by stealth.

But I just assign it 'incompatible' or 'not having shared values'. This has helped me with a narc sister - but as others have said it has caused her to up the ante - ie baiting to get a rise - but she has given up and now blocked me - so happy days.

It's not a new concept but earlier this year I had an epiphany and thought "I can't control other people's actions, only my own reaction to it". It brought me a lot of peace and calm and I now juse ignore my ex (as he's the main cause of upset) and refuse to engage.I apply it elsewhere to and take a breath before reacting or responding. I've recently been really let down and hurt by an old friend, but have just left it - let her, as you say.

My SIL. I no longer engage or have any contact with her. It's been a blissful 12 months.

My whole family

My mother is a narc,my father enables her,one brother is a narc/golden child,the other two her flying monkeys

Add other family member's and her friends acting as flying monkeys-there is at least 50 people (if not a lot more)

If had enough of being the scapegoat,so I walked away-coming up 15 years

A long story short,I ended up moving over 100 miles away and they are still trying to get a rise out of me (they don't let up on the smear campaign-it started the day i walked away)

The latest one is I've stolen her engagement ring and pawned it (I haven't stepped foot in her house for the full 15 years-i don't even live in the same area,but I did visit friends there about 3 months ago)

She got wind of my visit and,boom!her ring vanishes (the same ring that gets stolen at least once every 6 months by my drug addicted,golden child brother,he sells it,along with her other jewellery,she buys it back,nothing is said to him and rinse and repeat)

She unleashed the flying monkeys-ive had loads of messages to tell me to give it back 'or else'

I never rise to it-ive cried in private but I blank anyone who tries

I mean what's she going to do?

Go to the police?

They wont do anything with no evidence and she knows it

Like dp says 'they are only words,and words have no power unless you allow them to'

I see it as 'the people who know and care about me matter,the rest can fuck off and believe what they like-after all im the one who pays my way in life,nobody else'

A racist and snobbish friend. I just didn’t want to hear her bragging
about the people she was sucking up to any more.

I will admit that it can feel lonely but I focus on the people who make as much effort and care as much as I do about them.
The people who I have left be did multiple things to wear me down before I left them to get on with it.

I don't see it as this. I'm very happy to be friendly to all sorts of people, some turn into friends and some don't. I think it's more about how you deal or engage with people being selfish, refusing to stop pushing their own views/agenda. It isn't about avoiding contact or relationships

You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. I virtually never spoke to a coworker as she would always try and argue day was night, it was rather pleasant smiling and waving before disappearing from view while the next poor person to walk through the communal kitchen got entangled.

I love this phrase. You can’t argue with stupid. So true.

I refuse to engage in a petty argument or in my case having the same conversations.

My ex best friend of 30 years was always flakey and caused me stress. Always. Eg she would make me cancel plans as she was coming to stay and was desperate to see me etc and then she would cancel the day of coming with a ‘hey you sorry I’ve got too much on …..’ maybe I will come next week. I had years of it. She would phone for a reason if she wanted something but if I phoned she would ignore it. Three years ago I texted her after she did it again and said I guess our friendship is over and I wish you the best etc and she rang immediately and heard me out and apologies and said yet again she would change - gave it six months of opportunity and then defriended her on social media etc and god my life is better. Every phone was an hour of her life was so bad and mine was perfect. She was sabotaging me but I didn’t see it.

6 years is a long time to still be referencing though; some might say that email has lived rent free since.
I'd've took the final word (even if it was just 'fuck you loser') then marked his email address as spam.

Because it's just rising above things and not dignifying something nasty with a response.

There's a big difference between a) letting go and b)abdicating your responsibilities, leaving others in the shit.

'Let them' is just another addition to the endless buzz terms out there which all amount to the same thing - practice self respect.
There's serious money to be made in self help though...

That's exactly what this is. It's not about ghosting, it's about rising above it.

Yes I spouse I did, my ex husband sent an email over 6 years ago that was just nasty to and about our daughters.
I've never responded and I've never contacted since. What he thinks of me is irrelevant

Yes! This honestly changed how I see things and has helped me avoid so many stressful situations.

Im' not sure I 100% understand what this means, but I THINK I do it in the context of school. I'm pleasant, friendly and polite to people at school, but I don't get myself worked up about what they think of me, am quite happy to say what I think when it's relevant etc. I'm always bemused by people who seem to think they need to be good friends with everyone at school - the only thing you have in common is children of the same age. I don't need to justify who I am to these people.

I suppose ghost is like swerve. End is saying something?

How is this any different from ghosting?

Sorry can I ask you more? I am really interested and have nobody to discuss this with in RL!

This. Ended a near 40 year friendship and feel a lot lighter because of it.

Yes I read that, Thanks. I just find it interesting the vocabulary around this. Ghosting and so on.
I never recall my mother behavng in this way. I suppose looking back she had old friends who appeared via Christmas Card every year. The people in her life were her friends, end of. Different generation totally.

I've saw this 'let them' a lot recently in memes and stuff on social media (habitually, it has to be said, posted by argumentative people who are habitually culpable in their own conflict 🙈). I mean if you feel compelled to tell someone you're 'letting them' then you're not actually 'letting them' eh 🤦‍♀️😂
There are good people in the world. There are also unpleasant people (touchy people, self piteous people, gossipy people). If I encounter the latter I don't need to 'let them' do anything, because they don't progress beyond my awareness of their existence.