To think that maybe the teenagers have a point?

They’re not wrong to call him out if he does sod all.

#TeamTeen here. He should be helping out around the house. He's not helpless, he just thinks it's beneath him to do it. You aren't servants.

He's setting a poor example. And the fact is they are telling the truth, so what can he say?

I guess you could say 'don't do what he does, take inspiration from me as the dynamic super parent around here. Your dad's a lazy git.
But you still have to do the dishwasher!'

I can't see why your husband can't pull his weight also but I presume he's been enabled for a long time to get away with it.

this is just a classic example of him setting a terrible example.

However highly he is paid - he can do the goddamn dishes surely? It's just gross leaving mess around for others - if he kept his mess tidy as he went along and took responsibility for keeping shared spaces clean then the teens would be taught what good standards are in family life.

'women and kids can clean ' - great message from him.

Good on your kids. I despise men like your husband.

Your teenagers are sensible and intelligent. In your position I'd openly agree with them. Your dh is very unreasonable expecting them to act respectful when he tells them to do things he won't. They likely have more important things to do than him - learning and revising that will affect their whole future.

Your husband’s contribution to the household in terms of chores is between you and him. He should be doing more but your children shouldn’t be part of that conversation. How much are they contributing to the household finances?

I think the way they speak to their father is appalling but it seems rather normal behaviour for young people around here. It suits you now to have them in your corner, helping you fight their father on this issue, but when they have a dispute with you and feel you aren’t being fair to them, they will likely treat you with the same disrespect.

Then again, maybe it won’t be too much of a shock for you because of the general low expected standards of behaviour for teenagers.

of course they have a point they are happy to help you but why should they do it for him when he doesn’t particularly given you work full time, they do school and he literally just works
The balance is off it needs to be divided amongst all 4 of you

Are you not gearing up for divorce after returning from hospital to a display of utter contempt?
I wouldn't even trash the house of someone I despise, nevermind my spouse, who I vowed to cherish.

They are not being unreasonable.

i think you should all go on strike against ‘D’H personally. He couldn’t do his ‘big job’ without the unpaid labour of a woman aka his wife picking up the gaps eg feeding the children, having food in the house, cleaning the house. I

this is such a depressingly common situation. Tell your DH you won’t be doing it and nor will DC unless he does. Or he pays you to reduce hours and cover it (including pension)? If that’s what you’d like.

what sort of mess would he live in if alone? No wonder statistically men have better life expectancy when married but women don’t, and have more free time when single. We marry in to unpaid servitude. Ick.

I remember seething as a teenager as my dad did nothing at all around the house but would be on at me to do stuff. I did it anyway to help my mum out and because I lived there too, but even now remembering is annoying me.

They are right and he needs to stop being so lazy and set a good example.

Yep teens are right!

It's good that the kids are pushing back on that.

I remember being the same when I was younger. My mum would ask me to do something and sometimes I would tell her to ask her partner to do it. He was/still is a real lazy fucker, and it used to annoy me that he would get away with it and just sit on his arse.

Well if he doesn’t want to do any everyday chores he must pay for a housekeeper.Someone who comes every weekday and does it on his behalf.Perhaps when hard cash is involved he may shape up but I doubt it.Your DC are great and so right.Act today.Good luck with Mr so important..

Yep. They’re bang on. He should be doing these things too.

It's great that they're pushing back against your misogynistic example of a marriage. It would be awful if they thought it was acceptable and normal for a man to treat his wife as domestic servant.

You were in hospital - shame on him.
Mr Important. - not.

I say this to my husband all the time. He has to model the behaviour he wants. Bit hypocritical to tell them to do house jobs if he’s not doing it as well! Also says a lot about how the husband views your role!

I've never paid my kids to do stuff. We all work as a team and that means all looking after the house together. Dh is just part of the team so does his fair share. We don't have a cleaner either. Your dh sounds a bit lazy as with a cleaner surely there's not a huge amount to do?

Yes, your teenagers have a point. You obviously have a dh problem, and if you don’t want to live with it, you’ll need to point out to him that he needs to step up.

Tell your OH that respect has to be earned. I’m with the kids on this. He should lead by example.

Absolutely unbelievable. My DH does considerably more than that (more than 0..) and I'm a SAHM at the moment.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

It sounds like they are fine doing chores when you ask, but simply not when he does, which is fair enough.

If he can't be arsed to set an example, then it's reasonable to expect that kind of pushback.

You're instilling good habits and teaching them essential life skills so that they don't end up helpless like their father - when they live on their own, they won't want to live in the dysfunction they had to cope with when you were away, so that should be their motivation for not wanting to follow in their father's footsteps.

Have you read 'Fair Play' or read any posts about it? It is an interesting take on the division of labour. One of the take aways for me was that no one gets to opt out of the necessary drudgery of life unilaterally.
The boring crap that needs to be done everyday needs to be shared in ways that are equitable if not equal. The teens are just seeing that he is getting to opt out, and quite rightly pointing out that it is unfair.
And you are in the middle and have to decide if it worth discussing and finding solutions as a family, or if it easier to just trundle along as is, with you, inevitably picking up the slack.