To think that maybe the teenagers have a point?

Digital high five to your kids for identifying the inequality of the situation and calling out the perpetrator.
Sounds like your husband is the disrespectful one who thinks that the house chores are beneath him.

Well I don't agree with paying children/teens for doing basic things around the house. I agree with paying decent pocket money (how much depends on what you can afford/what they need to buy out of it), but not job related. Chores allocated because they live there too, same for requests.

in your position with your useless DH, I would say to him 'you do fuck all around the house. Don't be giving the kids jobs that you should be doing yourself'

obviously there will be some kick back & then I'd be telling him that if he doesn't want to be divorced he can stop giving the kids jobs. No debate.

As for the kids I'd be giving them set jobs & telling them the situation has nothing to do with their Dad does or doesn't do around the house. This is their part of being in the family home & growing up to be responsible adults who can look after themselves.

teach them household stuff & turn them into adults who can go to in/house share & not be incompetent, irritating idiots.

Then tell your useless DH he starts cleaning up after himself (at the very least) or he can expect divorce papers in the post).

Ah he thinks he's too good and of too high a status for domestic chores. That's rubbish. It's important for family dynamics that everyone takes care of each other and the shared space.

If they’re home at 4pm and
you’re both not home until 6pm then yeah the then they should be doing more.

so maybe the kids need to do more.

I wonder if the mess would bother him if you stopped doing housework too.

My prediction is yes, because he would see that as a dereliction of your duty.

He doesn't leave mess because it doesn't bother him, he leaves it because he feels entitled to.

It doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you at all.

Are you happy with him or is this symbolic of how he perceives you?

This. I am also very sceptical that so many "big jobs" actually exist. Every other lazy man seems to have one.

He's not above doing jobs. He needs to set an example.

the mess doesn’t bother him so he doesn’t see why he should do anything about it
Wow, is he so brazenly selfish and egotistical in all aspects of life? How do you put up with it? Isn't it embarrassing?

Sounds like they're right.

The silver lining is perhaps they're getting a better life lesson out of this than you could ever give them by just talking to them about it.

...and given that, I think it's important you absolutely don't back down, and maybe subtly tell them you agree and that you're pleased they've figured that out.

The teenagers do have a point.
So what, he has a "big job"
You also have a "big job"
The teenagers also have "big jobs", they have to go to school all day and they have homework on top of that, so it's not like they are sitting around all day doing absolutely nothing. Granted they get longer summer holidays and they could do more chores then or larger chores that might take a bit longer - sorting out a cupboard, or something in the garden for example.

He needs to start pulling his weight. (And the teenagers mustn't be allowed to use him doing nothing as an excuse for them also doing nothing).

@Rosiethewonderdog why? The question is how this awful marriage serves OP, how does it enhance her life? Is a slovenly misogynist good for her kids?

I did a lot of dancing round DH's career back in the day, but I always had a very strict policy that when he came home he was just DH or Dad, and he was expected to muck in as part of the team. I think it's even more important than usual with these "big job" characters - no one is too grand to shower the dogs or take the bins out. It keeps it real and models healthy relationships to the kids.

How are your teens contributing to the household - that's the question they need to answer.

It seems so common for men to drift into ‘I’ve got a big job so can’t do housework’ - As a bare minimum he needs to do the functional stuff he would be doing if he lived alone. There is no excuse to never be cooking or tidying away after yourself. They are very basic things that everyone has to do- you don’t suddenly lose the ability to use a saucepan because you have had a promotion.

Completely agree with them doing chores for pocket money, my parents were the same, I had to do homework, clean my room, put my washing away etc before I’d get £10 on a Saturday (I was about 14-15 at this age). But my parmets both did a huge amount round the house, he’s settinf a bad example, they probably feel like they’re being ‘used’ to pick up his slack if he’s not doing anything, which is probably how I would have felt at that age.

Or cooking. Or picking up after him if it doesn't impact you

Does he have any good points?

Please stop doing his washing.

Also “His bottom line is that the mess doesn’t bother him so he doesn’t see why he should do anything about it.”

Fine if you live by yourself. If you are part of a household you tidy up your mess.

I was going to say he sounds like a lazy teenager but that is an insult to teens tbh.

Your husband has a 'big job' huh?

Well, maybe I'll get out the big violin rather than the tiny one I was about to play for him, poor diddums.

You are a team of four; you should all do your bit, equally, to ensure the household runs smoothly.

You even have a cleaner, so it will be a lot less than most teams of four have to do.

Wow. Well… good choice for a husband and father I guess. Hope the teens turn out better than their dad.

They absolutely do have a point no the way they all left the house for you to come out of hospital to is appalling and very hurtful.
I think you and he need to talk it through before setting expectations (which are very reasonable) on your teenagers.

Basically he's slacking and they've noticed but that leaves everything to you

In my opinion with 2 FT working adults and 2 teenagers in a house chores should be split fairly evenly between the parents and DC. Especially if you have a cleaner to do the bulk of it.

I would also stop paying them to do chores, emptying the dishwasher is bare minimum and should be done because they live and eat in the house not because they get money.

Your teenagers have spotted an issue with your DH not pulling his weight and they are right to point it out.
Doing the dishwasher takes a few minutes of course he has time to do it!

I agree with your teens.

We share jobs (2 adults and 2 teens) and don’t top up pocket money because it is part of living in a house- everyone has jobs to do.

as far as we’re concerned the kids have the job of studying (at school and homework) - we ask them to do more around the house during school holidays and share equally in term time.

When I was a child, my dad did nothing. I remember a few horrible moments like one time he left the sink covered in hairs after shaving, and my mum had only just cleaned the bathroom. She asked him to go and clean it up and he replied with, “Don’t tell me to do women’s work.”
And I remember another time when he was building some furniture but not reading the instructions so was doing it wrong. My mum corrected him and he said “Don’t tell me what to do.”
I’m sure there were a lot more moments, I don’t have specific memories but just that general feeling of being raised like that. I don’t like him much now.

But he only she daughters. And he expected a lot of us in school, never asked how we were doing because he would only ever asked how school was going and what we’re out homework scores looking like etc.

He, of course, ordered us about to do chores and I remember once being around 14 and yelling at him over homework and chores and I said something like, “What’s the point in me doing all this studying when you’ve spend my life saying women’s work is cooking and cleaning.” Then I said I’d do fuck all to help round the house until he did.

My mum went through me for that, for being rude and disrespectful and not doing as I was told etc. I don’t like her much either really.

Maybe look at the way your children are being influence by the main male figure in their life refusing to clean, but demanding that they do it. And maybe be a better parent and sort that out? Before they hate you too.