To think that maybe the teenagers have a point?

Sounds like you've raised two sound kids.

The situation you returned to from hospital is inexcusable.

Rota time...

Fucking hell, what a man you have there eh? Too important to contribute to the house. Too important to keep things going when you’re in the bloody hospital.

Also, stop paying your teens to ‘help.’ It’s not helping it’s contributing to the running of a house which everyone should pitch in with. My 9 yr old does that without me bribing her with money.

I'd set up a balanced and fair chore rota as a family. Everybody needs to be on it to a level that reflects how much time and responsibility they have (so teens would't be doing DHs laundry for example). No money for completing chore rota. However, if DH would like to pay a teen to cover any of his own items he is welcome to arrange that.

It is difficult when you have different standards, and it's not nice being the person forever made to feel you don't live up to someone else's standards (nor the person who feels they never get to.live as nicely as they would by themselves). But DH needs.to get on-board right now for the sake of his kids learning how to manage these things peacefully and as a team.

How about you and the kids all cook for just the three of you . Each person tidies after themselves.
He can wash his own dishes he can shop his own food he can cook his own and clean his own dishes .

Tell husband unless he pulls his weight as part of a team he is on his own .

That's a separate conversation for the OP to have with her dh.

@Milesandmilesandmiles good work on the washing. You’re trying to teach the kids that until/unless they can afford to pay someone (most of us can’t) then chores are everyone’s responsibility. DH is not exempt, so yes, don’t tidy up after him. He also needs educating that while ideally kids should respect him, he is being hypocritical here and doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

I would tell him that their disrespect towards him is the price he pays for his disrespect towards you, and that if he makes the effort to contribute proportionally you will back him up. And I would tell them that they need to contribute proportionally too, or they are as bad as him.

That was my first thought!

50p!!!!

Why would you put up with his complete lack of respect for everyone he shares a home with? Of course he isn't bothered by the mess - he knows full well that you (or the kids) will clean it up before the house turns into a total hovel!
He's literally taking the piss out of you and you're allowing it.

You need him to move out if he's not willing to be part of a team and respect you. There's no point to him at all if there's no respect - respect is more important than love imo. And a man who loved you wouldn't sit on his arse being the big "I am" and let his wife do everything.

He's also trashing his relationship with the children - they'll grow up to despise him and pity you. This is not what you want from and for your kids.

What makes it different now?

As in, why have you put up with it for so long?

I wouldn't have got as far as kids with someone who was like this.

My partner does his own washing, and all the cooking.

You are raising kids who will expect the same of their own lives/partners instead of splitting things equally.

Unless he lives in the garden shed, part of the work is his responsibility.

My partner and I both work full time in "big jobs" 😂 So nothing would get done if we had that attitude. And living in a shit heap is for teenagers, not functioning adults.

I remember at 12 years old my mother trying to get me to do the ironing for my stepfather and brother. That was a big fat no from me. I did mine and hers and it caused a massive drama but like fuck was I going to skivvy around after males who did fuck all in the house. Tbh I had very little respect for my mother for accepting this from them so you're faring somewhat better than my mother did if your teens do do as you tell them.

I switched my teen away from chore focused pocket money.

Now DD nearly 17, gets £25 per week on the understanding;

1. She is a participant in the house, does her chores and participates in keeping our home nice at all times;
2. This money covers any school lunches, bus fares, hair products, spends with friends, personal spends on any coffee/drinks etc.

Its had the dual purpose of giving her more fiscal responsibility, plus she doesn't ask me for things now.

Funny enough since we have switched to this payment DD is much better around the house, usually makes her own lunch (as she knows this means more ££ for her), and isn't so keen on spending £5 in Starbucks now.

This works well with DD who is nearly 17.
I'm not sure it will work as well with my 13 years old - maybe when she is older.

You children occupy space in a home that should be everyones responsibility to take care of. I don't have a P so I don't have the issues that you do re your H no participating in the home chores. But I would say be very very careful about setting yourself up as the house elf. You aren't doing your teens any favours by indulging them..

This is very depressing.

It doesn't bother him? It bothers the rest if you, and he purports to love you all (I assume), and he lives in the house, so that should be enough to mean he does the chores regardless.

What a disrespectful idiot. He wants respect from the teens but treats you all like dog muck. Why on earth should they respect him? It goes both ways.

The kids will be out as soon as they can, will never have a decent relationship with him as they know he doesn't respect them, and will look down on you for being a complete doormat.

He needs to change or get out of the household of which he isn't a part anyway.

Yep, he's setting a terrible example.

This is why we have generation after generation of useless men. You don't mention if the kids are boys or girls, but if you have DS he's going to grow up to be exactly the same, thinking men with "big jobs" don't have to do the cleaning as the woman will do it.

Yeah, you're prepared to put up with his bullshit but they're not, and good on them!

Hm.

My SD went through a phase of this. What she didn't/doesn't know is that whilst DH does more of the practical work around the house, I do ALL of the admin and mental load. I organise all appointments, parties, Christmas and birthday presents, childcare arrangements, bill paying, dealing with the phone company or the energy supplier when there's hiccups, meal planning and shopping lists. I manage all the finances and ensure that everything we pay for we get a good deal on. I book and organise the payment for all the holidays, days out, educational experiences. She doesn't see any of that.

I'm not sure it's really up to your teenagers to make judgements on how you as a couple decide to split the household labour. The chores you list are very reasonable for teenagers. If you aren't happy with the amount your DH does, that should be a conversation between you and him, and children shouldn't be involved.

Honestly sometimes I still feel this way about my dad when I go to theirs for lunch on Sunday 🥲 my mum cooks and I help her - plus she does cleaning and general house work.

But then my dad does the clearing up and the dishes. He also deals with the garden, cars, DIY, bills, booking holidays etc so it probably does balance out.

Would that be the case for your DH too? 😬

Can't think of any man less attractive than your DH who thinks he is more important than all of you combined in the house. 🤢

He think you are his mum or servant basically...

Good on your kids!!! They clearly understand the importance of unpaid labour around the house and how it’s not just the role of their mother - your husband clearly needs a lesson in this however…

Tell him he only has 4+ years to sort out his relationship with his children and then they'll vote with their feet. If you've lost respect for his entitled arse, maybe you'll do the same? Retirement with him sounds extremely dull X

Seriously though. Your kids are right. They need to see their father proportionately help out too. My husband has a less stressful job than me but sometimes hours will be longer and we still apportion the running of the house load. For example, I’ll make dinner, he’ll come home from work and put the baby to bed whilst I plate dinner up and then we’ll divide up the workload before we sit down and relax to spend some time together.

I don’t pay teens for these jobs as they’re “household necessities”. But surely your dh works a full time job so his salary is inputting into the household… I’d say that balances out teens minor chores.

as for him being lazy - that’s between you and him. Don’t involve teens in your arguments.

By paying your teenagers for chores you are giving then the same attitude as your DH.
You should do chores as an able member of the household not because you are being paid. Otherwise you can opt out of then when you can afford to- like your DH.

I have the ‘big job’ in our house. Can I use this excuse too please lol