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Original poster

To think that maybe the teenagers have a point?

167 replies

Milesandmilesandmiles · 14/10/2024 11:14

Two teenagers in the house. Both fairly well behaved as teenagers go, but a fair amount of push back on doing chores. They are asked to do the dishwasher, to take out the recycling and tidy their rooms. Sometimes help bring the shopping in or other ad hoc task, nothing heavy duty as we have a cleaner. For each chore they get 50p pocket money top up.

However, the push back has escalated. They are fine with me but if DH asks them to do anything they say ‘why don’t you do it’ or ‘when was the last time you did the dishwasher’. DH thinks this is rude and disrespectful which I agree with to a point.

However, the thing is, DH does virtually nothing round the house. I was recently admitted to hospital for a few days and came back to find that there was no food shopping done, plates and cups all over the side, recycling on the floor, no washing done etc etc.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 16/10/2024 11:36

Children learn from an early age whow their household runs and learn from example.
Both sons are in their 20s and have their own home. One has an average job with lots of overtime, the other has and I'm cringing 😬 when I type this, but in mn parlance ' a big job' where he travels to London and Ireland frequently ( we live in the north)
However both sons wash clothes, batch cook clean the toilet and bathroom etc. To them it's normal. That's how we worked as a family. If I was working dh would change the bed linen, take the boys to Morrisons for the weekly shop, iron school uniforms etc. When dh was working I'd do it.
We all live in the same space.
We never gave them money for chores either. Sure they had pocket money but I wouldn't give money for something that is expected to keep a house running.

Have you only recently tried to get the children involved with housework? Someone gave me advi e years ago and that was to have routines from toddler age. I'm not talking about heavy duty stuff but clothes in the laundry basket, make bed ( with help of course) they put toys away at the end of day etc. Its not such a shock from doing nothing to asking to do chores.

If everyone does a little, no one does a lot!
However you do have a Dh issue!

EightChalk · 16/10/2024 11:35

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 15/10/2024 21:53

Respect for parents who put a roof over their heads would be the bare minimum.
Well said.

Show quote history

Parents don't deserve anything in return for meeting their legal obligations. If you choose to have children, you have to provide them with housing, food, etc. Children don't owe their parents for that.

Rosiethewonderdog · 16/10/2024 11:25

Dh works long hours, we run our own business - sometimes he's out of the house 14 hours a day - he earns well, allowing our family to live a very comfortable lifestyle.

If he has been up working from 5am and getting home at 9pm - I am damned sure he doesn't need to be doing household chores when he gets home - he has contributed enough. I work part-time. At the weekends he'll muck in, sometimes he needs to catch up on sleep. Sometimes he has more work to do.

One of my adult kids (temporarily unemployed at the time) - questioned why dh wasn't on the nightly cooking rota or doing the dishes and he got a sharp response - everyone is expected to contribute to the running of the household but everyone's contribution is not the same.

Some contribute money and some time.

OP if you are not happy with your dh's contribution that's a discussion you need to have with him not your kids - your kids need to contribute to the household by doing chores, how you and your dh divide up the rest is up to you both to agree.

Snakebite61 · 16/10/2024 07:36

Milesandmilesandmiles · 14/10/2024 11:14

Two teenagers in the house. Both fairly well behaved as teenagers go, but a fair amount of push back on doing chores. They are asked to do the dishwasher, to take out the recycling and tidy their rooms. Sometimes help bring the shopping in or other ad hoc task, nothing heavy duty as we have a cleaner. For each chore they get 50p pocket money top up.

However, the push back has escalated. They are fine with me but if DH asks them to do anything they say ‘why don’t you do it’ or ‘when was the last time you did the dishwasher’. DH thinks this is rude and disrespectful which I agree with to a point.

However, the thing is, DH does virtually nothing round the house. I was recently admitted to hospital for a few days and came back to find that there was no food shopping done, plates and cups all over the side, recycling on the floor, no washing done etc etc.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

Giving extra money for doing chores? Not the best life lesson.

ColdWaterDipper · 15/10/2024 22:08

My husband works more hours than I do (he is FT, I am part time since going back to work after our youngest was born), and he still does some chores around the house. Admittedly I do the lions share of the housework, plus all meal planning & making, all of the life admin / child sports admin & most of the school runs (driving 10 mins to a private school and a nearby junior school). But he does do things in the house, and does all of the DIY and garden / land maintenance which isn’t insignificant as we have almost 10 acres. Inside he’ll often unload the dishwasher or put some washing on / hang washing out. Our children both muck in with the chores as they are expected to, but also I suppose because they see both parents doing it too.

Coco2024 · 15/10/2024 22:04

The teenagers have a point
your husband should lead by example

JayJayj · 15/10/2024 22:03

I only have 1 toddler so a different situation, however I have recently dropped from full time to 14 hours a week so my husband is now the main earner and he is still doing basic chores. Because we both live here and make the mess!

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 15/10/2024 21:53

HeliotropePJs · 14/10/2024 15:01

If you're not satisfied with the amount of chores your husband does around the house, that's between the two of you, but both you and your husband work to support the family (particularly your children), and regardless of which parent is asking the teenagers to help with the odd light job, they shouldn't be pushing back. It doesn't sound like they're being asked to do much.

Maybe your husband should do more, but it's not the kids' place to point this out disrespectfully and use it as an excuse for not doing their share. How would you feel if they repeatedly brought up some area of life where you're perhaps underperforming and your DH just sat back and indicated that they had a point? It's disrespectful to speak to a parent this way, imo, and should be discouraged.

Respect for parents who put a roof over their heads would be the bare minimum.
Well said.

LaDamaDeElche · 15/10/2024 20:56

What he does or doesn’t do in the house is between you and him. It’s disrespectful to you to leave so much to you. The state of the house after you’d been in hospital and the fact that he hadn’t made sure clean uniform was available would probably be the point I’d seriously question my marriage. However, all of that is between you as the adults. I’m assuming the children aren’t paying the mortgage, food bills, holidays etc etc, so when either person who is putting food on the table and a roof over their heads asks them to help then they should, with no pushback. Teens will be teens though, but you should call out their behaviour because it is unacceptable.

PullTheBricksDown · 15/10/2024 20:52

FinallyHere · 14/10/2024 19:25

This really is the argument in favour of household chores being shared. What is he doing when you are doing chores?

Yes, does he sit in a chair watching you do housework sighing 'ooh, so tired from doing my big job all day'?

OldScribbler · 15/10/2024 20:37

Milesandmilesandmiles · 14/10/2024 11:14

Two teenagers in the house. Both fairly well behaved as teenagers go, but a fair amount of push back on doing chores. They are asked to do the dishwasher, to take out the recycling and tidy their rooms. Sometimes help bring the shopping in or other ad hoc task, nothing heavy duty as we have a cleaner. For each chore they get 50p pocket money top up.

However, the push back has escalated. They are fine with me but if DH asks them to do anything they say ‘why don’t you do it’ or ‘when was the last time you did the dishwasher’. DH thinks this is rude and disrespectful which I agree with to a point.

However, the thing is, DH does virtually nothing round the house. I was recently admitted to hospital for a few days and came back to find that there was no food shopping done, plates and cups all over the side, recycling on the floor, no washing done etc etc.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

Monkey see, monkey do. Same with kids and parents.

laraitopbanana · 15/10/2024 19:56

Com’on. You know the answer op.

However, they also need to respect the house routine and if you accept that hubby doesn’t have to, they really shouldn’t put their nose into it. Your relationship is no way their business neither a reason for them to disrespect their dad. They can disagree. Quietly.

Good luck 🌺

helpplease01 · 15/10/2024 19:11

Your husband is a lazy fucker! He’s thoughtless and does not respect you. It’s a finger up to you and all you do to run the house. I would have list my shit at him. At all of them infact. You are the scivy im afraid. Your husband is being a hypocritical tit. Your kids are right. They all need to do more!!

NannaKaren · 15/10/2024 19:04

lifeisnotstraigtforward · 14/10/2024 11:19

This.

My father was the same, always expected me to clean the house, but didn't do any cleaning himself. I didn't mind too much, helping out (hoovering, cleaning both bathrooms, polishing the stairs and kitchen cupboards), but it got a bit much when I moved into my own house, and he (they) would want me to go around at the weekend to clean their house. I worked full-time and had my own house to clean!!

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…hope you didn’t !

MagicFarawayTea · 15/10/2024 18:23

Milesandmilesandmiles · 14/10/2024 11:17

Because he has a ‘big job’ and doesn’t have time, or thinks it is for someone else to do (like me, the cleaner or the teenagers!)

Show quote history

My husband has a ‘big job’ - think CEO of global company- but also does laundry/gardening/dishwasher/ taking stuff to tip when he’s here. There’s no excuse in being a self important prick who’s too important to get some shopping in and wipe down the kitchen when you’re in hospital.

masterblaster · 15/10/2024 18:08

Milesandmilesandmiles · 14/10/2024 11:14

Two teenagers in the house. Both fairly well behaved as teenagers go, but a fair amount of push back on doing chores. They are asked to do the dishwasher, to take out the recycling and tidy their rooms. Sometimes help bring the shopping in or other ad hoc task, nothing heavy duty as we have a cleaner. For each chore they get 50p pocket money top up.

However, the push back has escalated. They are fine with me but if DH asks them to do anything they say ‘why don’t you do it’ or ‘when was the last time you did the dishwasher’. DH thinks this is rude and disrespectful which I agree with to a point.

However, the thing is, DH does virtually nothing round the house. I was recently admitted to hospital for a few days and came back to find that there was no food shopping done, plates and cups all over the side, recycling on the floor, no washing done etc etc.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

Depends on how long hours each member of the family is working.

hettie · 14/10/2024 21:13

Milesandmilesandmiles · 14/10/2024 12:35

All very interesting food for thought here thank you!

I know he will never up his game housework wise. His bottom line is that the mess doesn’t bother him so he doesn’t see why he should do anything about it. I am about to stop doing his washing as maybe eventually he will notice that…

See, this is just not very nice is it. Because basically he's saying "I know this thing really bothers you, but it doesn't bother me at all, so frankly who gives a fuck about your views on it I'm going to do what I want to do anyway".
In our house I am the messy one, my standards are much lower, I dint care about plates on the side etc. BUT...I know it bothers dh, so I try as hard as possible to notice more and pull my weight for him. I know he doesn't like it and I love him and don't want him to be stressed by his environment.....

DinaofCloud9 · 14/10/2024 20:48

I don't know how he doesn't feel embarrassed. Ordering everyone about when he does nothing himself. I feel ashamed for him.

EightChalk · 14/10/2024 20:38

Newbutoldfather · 14/10/2024 17:47

The teenagers are completely out of order to speak to your husband like that. If I were him, I would stop their phones and their pocket money.

The disparity in chores between you and him seems wrong, assuming you both have the same amount of free time outside of work.

But, unless the teenagers are working all hours out of school on academic work, the school day is not nearly as stressful or hard as a job. And some of the chores, like tidying their own rooms, shouldn’t even be an issue.

It sounds like you both give them a very nice life and the quid pro quo for this is working at school and a minimal level of chores.

How do you think that would go down in their future relationship? He is being a hypocrite; they can see it and are losing respect for him because of it. No point in them pretending otherwise.

PussInBin20 · 14/10/2024 19:31

Sounds like they have a pointhen.

Recon · 14/10/2024 19:27

I would not be paying the kids a penny to deal with the dishwasher or shopping. You all live together, so you’re all chip in. Stop being a mug. Everybody is being out of order in your family.

FinallyHere · 14/10/2024 19:25

This really is the argument in favour of household chores being shared. What is he doing when you are doing chores?

MrsPeterHarris · 14/10/2024 18:58

LonginesPrime · 14/10/2024 11:33

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

It sounds like they are fine doing chores when you ask, but simply not when he does, which is fair enough.

If he can't be arsed to set an example, then it's reasonable to expect that kind of pushback.

You're instilling good habits and teaching them essential life skills so that they don't end up helpless like their father - when they live on their own, they won't want to live in the dysfunction they had to cope with when you were away, so that should be their motivation for not wanting to follow in their father's footsteps.

This!

Zen · 14/10/2024 18:16

As a single parent my teenage/ young adult children have always been more helpful around the home than their friends. I suspect this is why, their friends have learnt that, like dad, if they don’t pull their weight then mum will do it. I distinctly recall when my son was around 13 I made a comment about him washing his own football kit, apparently none of the rest of the team knew how to work the washer 🤷🏻‍♀️

EmeraldDreams73 · 14/10/2024 18:05

God, how lovely it must be to be so important. 🙄 I agree with pps, he's a complete hypocrite for a start, not to mention a CF. If living like a slob genuinely doesn't bother him, he wouldn't ask the teens to do anything, would he? Of course they're pushing back. It's a shit example he's setting them.

I think you need a serious chat with him - but not in front of the kids - along the lines of "here's my suggestion for a FAIR division of chores. If you won't do your share, ship out/pay someone to pick up your slack out of your own money, not family budget/suggest a viable alternative that doesn't just make you a self-important twat expecting Lesser Beings to do everything for you".

It all sounds a bit entrenched but I do think you're doing the right thing trying to change the balance. Either way, the teens do need to pull their weight regardless. Maybe there's a division of labour that will impact dh most if he ignores his part...