Fathers surname - AIBU

Saying that he won't be able to bond with baby if baby doesn't have his name is narcissistic, manipulative, self-centered nonsense and you should not give into it.
It's all about him. Maybe you should remind him that even bonding with the baby is for the baby's benefit, not his. It's how nature protects vulnerable small humans and makes sure they grow up with their parents' love and protection.

Do what's right for you and the baby. This man is either going to shape up or he isn't; it's not your job to mollycoddle him now.
Best of luck OP, you sound like you will be an awesome mum.💞

It's easier for him to go to court to formalise his rights than to spend your child's dependent years always having to defer to an uninterested or worse, malicious sperm donor.

BCs and names can be changed one way round. If he is named, then he can not be taken off the BC and you won't be unable to re-name your child without his consent which realistically, he won't be giving.

I'm seeing friends who separated when their children were young being regularly sabbotaged in trying to do their best. Issues like trying to get SEN assessments and EHCPs, and he has to be consulted, CBA to fill in the forms properly and spouts a load of crap about how all is hunkydory

This is about responsibilities. Do not give responsibilities away to someone irresponsible.
Not even the name.

Clean break OP and I am saying this from experience as a lone parent for 15 years.

Do not create dependency on his actions being rewarded.

Take charge. Your name, don't name him on the BC.

He can take it to court etc if he's that bothered. He won't be, he will drown his sorrows in drugs and prove to you exactly who you thought he was.

Focus on raising your child.

Your life will be a lot more peaceful and easy without him in it.

Ask yourself how you would have felt growing up with a different surname to the one of your parent who looked after you.
How would you have felt with others asking why your surname was Smith when your mum was Jones and having to tell the other children at school that Smith is the name of some random druggie who got your mother pregnant.
Regardless of whether he is on the birth certificate, give the child your surname.

I really wish that I hadn’t put my sons bio dad on his birth cert, my husband can’t adopt him, he can’t change his name to ours so has to carry the name of a man he hasn’t seen in 8 years and that waster has parental responsibility, only benefit to me is the £30 maintenance a month.
keep his name off

How is she using the child as a weapon?

I'm sorry but much as you think it's motivation to get clean this is a really bad idea. Firstly is he actually going to spend £700+ on a hair strand test? If so what happens if he relapses right after the name is registered? What happens if he relapses and disappears from the child's life and you're stuck with an extra surname neither you nor your child wants or needs?
You're the mum, you aren't married, he's not a reliable father. So what if he wants the baby to have his surname? So what?

'although he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname'

Classic manipulation tactic. I'm married but my husband and I don't share a surname. Baby has my surname. My husband and her have a wonderful bond.

The real reason he won't be able to bond with your child is because he's off his face on drugs.

Just get away from him, and give baby your surname. Otherwise he'll get 'clean' (ish) for the birth to get the name double-barrelled, and then relapse afterwards.

I speak as someone who has children with an addict.
keep your child away from them and their toxic behaviour. This is so serious, more serious than just a surname issue.
stop contact, stop involving him, no name on BC, your surname only, no middle name nonsense. Child can chose their name once old enough should things change.
get yourself a mountain of therapy and support.
he’s gonna make life hard in every way for you. Do not believe anything that comes out his mouth.
he doesn’t care about the child or you, he wants to ‘win’ the surname things and wear you down. As a new mum this is likely.
normal healthy men don’t play this chaos and trauma on their kids mum or their unborn kid. Let your midwife know and speak out.
do not let him there when you give birth.
you must must must protect yourself and your child.
he will not change suddenly and please get a reality check, I have walked those shoes and it’s a painful road.
get to an Al Anon meeting and get support.

You knew he had issues before the pregnancy dont ude this kid as a weapon to kick him when he is down the child never asked for this it was the adults decision to bring child into this mess yet tje child is going to bare the brunt of it

So often it’s seen as ok to give the baby the surname of just the father. So it should be equally ok to give the baby just your name.

I cannot imagine giving the fathers surname to a child if we were not even together.

Give the baby your surname only. The likelihood is that in 5 years the father won't be in either of your lives and you don't need a constant reminder of how shit he is.

If (unlikely) he does turn things around and show commitment to the child, you can always agree to change your child's name by deed poll later on.

Imagine explaining this to your child when they're 8, or 15.

Well you were going to be called Abigail Bethan Clark but your dad managed to stay off drugs for a few months so you're Abigail Bethan Clark-Douglas.

This is an actual person. Your baby deserves not to have their name defined by their dad's drug consumption. Don't give his drugs habit that power. Whether he manages it or not, your baby doesn't need it written into their name.

The bond he has with his child has nothing to do with the surname and everything to do with him being clean and a present and loving father. Given what he’s put you through and will likely continue to put you through, I wouldn’t even consider it.

Definitely just your name.

Why on earth would you give baby his surname even as a double-barrel? You're not married and he's clearly a dead weight.

Completely agree with this. If he shows up and is a good parent you can come to an agreement even without court and add all this later on.
However if he doesn't, then you haven't got to spend 18 years asking him about decisions and writing his name down

Give the child your surname. He may stay off drugs for a few days to get a negative result and then go back on them. It'll save you hassle in the long run re passports etc ..

However, if he actually manages to do the hard work to get clean, I think it would be fair to give him that (as much as I really don't like the idea of double barrelling).

If he actually managed to get and stay clean then he'll be in a position to go to court to get his name added.
Why make it easy for him? If he wants it he can do all the hard work to get it, even if it takes years.

That's true I suppose, although he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname.
this would decide it for me- it’s such a selfish petty jerk comment with no responsibility for the actual human being that is his baby, to me his surname is now off the table. Whether he bonds with the baby is up to him and the effort he puts in, baby has no fucking clue if their name is Hepworth-sprinkelnudl or just Hepworth. That just shows the level of petty excuse and I’m such a victim it’s not my fault I’m a shit dad that he’s going to come up with. I don’t have the same surname as my dc, and have bonded with them just fine.

Good luck! I'd do as others have said and protect your baby - your surname only

And are you going to trust whatever test he produces!?

He either bonds with the baby or he doesn't, that's just emotional blackmail.

In terms of the birth certificate it's as simple as you register the baby alone. Probably easier anyway if he disagrees on name.

Give him a clear contact schedule from the start, at the very least 4 1-2 hour slots a week he can be there and keep a record if he makes them or not and what state he is in and build it up from there.