Fathers surname - AIBU

Or it may turn him around to want to parent, drug free or not.
I highly doubt he wont want to know the baby.
The surname - leave it off.

Your name. Not dad's.

100% this. Two of the biggest things you can give your child are stability and unconditional love. He can’t offer stability as he’s a drug addict who can’t get clean. It now looks like his love is conditional on a name.

With regards to the BC.

if he’s the child’s father he can get a DNA test and apply to be put on. If he does that you don’t have a choice, he will get PR.

have you told your m/w? I’d get ahead of this and tell her everything so down the line if he does start taking steps to get contact with the child it’s recorded he’s an addict and unsafe around the child.

fwiw I don’t have the same name as my children and we bonded just fine. I don’t actually see it as a big deal, there are positives to it and I actually like having a different name.

OP, if you’re not married, the baby traditionally has your name anyway, no idea where this idea has come from that unmarried fathers should have their last name used, pure male entitlement I guess, but it’s certainly not tradition. As for his manipulative comment that he won’t be able to bond with the baby if it doesn’t have his name, I think that tells you how shallow his idea of being a parent is.

Yet you chose to have a baby with him !!!

You started a while other thread on this and many people confirmed reasons why not to put fathers name on a birth certificate. If she put a drug addicts name on the BC then he has full PR and could just take the child.

OP please ignore Horsepeoples comment and do what you think is right for you amd your child. I personally would not be putting his name on the BC and he can go to court if he wants it to be added.

There is nothing stopping him been a father and a child knowing who he is even if his name is not on the BC.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. Don't give your baby his name. If he wants a relationship make sure he is VERY clean (a year clean in a 12 step programme perhaps, where he would have support). Well done for prioritising your child.

Fathers for justice, is that you?

So if he gets clean and stays clean, you don’t think him and the child have a right to a relationship? Hopefully he would win access through court, though I know it is easy for mothers to ignore those court orders, I assume from this post that you would be one of those mothers.

To be fair, he's an addict so the rational train has left him. Addicts often know what the right thing is and will even genuinely want to do the right thing but that doest mean they can do it. The immense lack of self control is the problem. If they could, they wouldn't be addicted.

You're clearly doing the right thing and thinking about your child. He'll have to find a way to help himself to get better and child's surname is the least of his worries.

the OP has done what is right for her child. You’re so sanctimonious I’d bed you’ve never ever made a mistake, right?

And supervised contact in a contact centre, at that. Not supervised by a family member in their own home, etc (don’t actually know if that’s a thing.

he’ll only come clean when he’s ready to change his life. No amount of bargaining over contact or name will make him get clean. He’s not scum, necessarily, he has a disease and needs treatment. That doesn’t mean your child should suffer any consequences of that, of course.

I don't think you should use your child's surname as a bargaining chip to try and get him clean. It won't work.

Just give the child your surname.

That’s blackmail.

Your baby surname is the least of your worries. Keep him away from your baby until he can prove he can step up as a Father.

I don't understand what the big deal is. He should think he'd be lucky to have contact with his own child let alone be worried about the name.

"wouldn't satisfy him" Poor fucking piece of shit. Getting and staying clean to help you, appreciate his child and hopefully contribute + too much effort, cannot be bothered. Scum absolute scum. Have nothing to do with the filth he is, bring the child yourself with your supportive network, any help from society, state support and positive encouragement. I'm guessing, but I bet you get jack shit help from someone who would choose his drugs, drink and whatever to bring a responsible father.

he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname

What a dick. 🙄

I think you have made the right decision for you and your baby.

I think it's only fair to give both names since both made the child. However, as a pp suggested, you can use his as one of the middle names so that it doesn't need to be used if he ends up not in baby's life.

If he's not going to be in her life at all now, then just give your surname.

Him not being happy that baby doesn't have his name as per standard is not even worth caring about. Baby deserves your name too for sure. If he won't bond with his child because of it, he has more issues to worry about.

(I know one silly OP on another thread who thought it was a cute thing that her partner was "disappointed" their baby didn't bear only his surname and another ridiculous poster thought so too but that's their business).

Edit: Just read your update sorry. Yep. Agreed. Your surname only or his name as a middle name if you feel you want to keep that connection.

Move forward and leave him behind.
It’s for the best. Adverse childhood experiences are awful and damaging.
only he can change. A promise from an addict is worthless and at best manipulative.
let him become clean and prove it via court.
mine had to do a hair stand test from his pubic hair.
poor woman who had to sample him 🤦🏽‍♀️

If he would refuse to bond with his child over something so stupid he doesn't deserve to have a relationship with them. I don't have the same surname as my children. It doesn't change how I feel about them.

Tell him you're really hurt that he can't clean up his act for the sake of his unborn child.

Good call. Best of luck for a straightforward third trimester and birth.