Fathers surname - AIBU

Yes you can

Let him do it then.
have you ever been around someone who uses cocaine habitually? Would you want them around your v small child?

Yes, he's an addict. But it still doesn't mean he won't take her to court so he can get PR and access to his child. And he won't be denied it based on being an addict either.

I'll feel the same. I want the baby to have my surname. I also feel that, on a practical level, the baby needs my surname as will be raised in my home. However, if he actually manages to do the hard work to get clean, I think it would be fair to give him that (as much as I really don't like the idea of double barrelling).

It appears to have changed in 2006 - long after my time - but still not straightforward and requires paperwork.

I was in a somewhat similar situation to the OP and was persuaded to use his name. We arranged to meet up at the Register office but he didn't turn up and I went in on my own. I was told I couldn't put him on the BC unless he was present so I went ahead - dodged a bullet there. It didn't stop him taking me to court for access 5 years later (when he came out of prison) fortunately he was denied it and we never heard from him again. I got Legal Aid and my barrister put forward all the many reasons why he was unsuitable.

The OP is doing the right thing to protect her child from this man.

He can’t give it up, Holly. That makes him an addict. An addict who’s already making excuses for why he can’t bond with his baby. Addicts are all about self preservation and I suspect a functioning addict is not going to want it on the court record that his child’s mother initially denied him PR because he’s an addict.

That's true I suppose, although he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname.
this would decide it for me- it’s such a selfish petty jerk comment with no responsibility for the actual human being that is his baby, to me his surname is now off the table. Whether he bonds with the baby is up to him and the effort he puts in, baby has no fucking clue if their name is Hepworth-sprinkelnudl or just Hepworth. That just shows the level of petty excuse and I’m such a victim it’s not my fault I’m a shit dad that he’s going to come up with. I don’t have the same surname as my dc, and have bonded with them just fine.

Yes you can

You're not more important than the father - whatever his problems are - double barelling the surname is the only fair and ethical thing to do - I'm also not certain you have that veto. Why do you think your views are more important than his?

You're not more important than the father - whatever his problems are - double barelling the surname is the only fair and ethical thing to do - I'm also not certain you have that veto. Why do you think your views are more important than his?

Because men have women who champion for their ‘rights’ but women don’t have the same group of hand…bachelors? 🤔

Yes and unless he goes with you to register the birth you can't give the baby the father's name if you aren't married.

With regards to the BC.

if he’s the child’s father he can get a DNA test and apply to be put on. If he does that you don’t have a choice, he will get PR.

have you told your m/w? I’d get ahead of this and tell her everything so down the line if he does start taking steps to get contact with the child it’s recorded he’s an addict and unsafe around the child.

fwiw I don’t have the same name as my children and we bonded just fine. I don’t actually see it as a big deal, there are positives to it and I actually like having a different name.

It's and old, antiquated rule

But it’s not! The tradition is the baby gets the mothers last name, it’s just that historically most mothers were married and so had taken her husbands name. It’s never been a rule that unmarried fathers have their last name used, it’s a very new trend.

You're not more important than the father - whatever his problems are - double barelling the surname is the only fair and ethical thing to do - I'm also not certain you have that veto. Why do you think your views are more important than his?

Yes she is more important, she alone will bring this child into the world, she will be the one keeping it alive and nurtured, she’s the one that will be doing the vast majority of parenting.

Also it’s pretty incredible to suggest double barreling is the fair and ethical thing to do when the vast majority of children in this country are given their fathers name alone, where’s the pressure to double barrel and be fair to the mothers?

You're not more important than the father - whatever his problems are - double barelling the surname is the only fair and ethical thing to do - I'm also not certain you have that veto. Why do you think your views are more important than his?

You're not more important than the father - whatever his problems are - double barelling the surname is the only fair and ethical thing to do - I'm also not certain you have that veto. Why do you think your views are more important than his?