Fathers surname - AIBU

Well by that logic, mothers also have the same rights as fathers and are fully entitled to give their kids her name, right? Or do you have a problem with children having just the fathers name too?

So he's already trying to manipulate you using the baby by threatening not to "bond" with the child if you don't do what he wants. Trust me, this is jus tthe first step. Every time you say or do anything you don't like, he'll "punish" you by using your child against you. Ask him for money? He won't turn up for three weeks for agreed contact time. Insist he has a drug test? He'll threaten to take you to social services.

It's relentless.

As for th ename thing, that drives me MAD. As others hav said, babies get the mother's name traditionally, which if she was married, was traditionally the same as the dad. Single mothers traditionally gave their child their OWN name. This is yet another way in which men like to take the "good bits" of an old tradition and apply it to any situation. Men gave children their names by.... marrying the mother and accepting responsibility for the child and the mother.

Do you live in the real world with the rest of us? How many single fathers do you know v single mothers?

84% v 16%. Guess which percentage is which.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/families/bulletins/familiesandhouseholds/2022

So do some mothers. Your point?

I believe this entire thread to be blatantly sexist. Fathers are just as important as mothers and parental responsibility is a default not something that can be opted out of. Poor advice to say it is.

Your name. And dump him.

I will go against the grain here and say this is wrong

You are weaponizing your child before they are even born and emotionally blackmailing the Dad

You are locked in a battle of wills that you won't win - its all about control - and control over the name of another human.

I think you are doing the right thing ending the relationship

Your name. If he can’t prioritise his child over his habit, he doesn’t deserve to be named.

You’ve done absolutely the right thing in getting out of this bad relationship.

No they don't

As so many just walk away

That tells you all you need to know

Just get CMS in place and do what you can to make sure contact is safe

Fathers are indeed just as important if they are present, supportive, and behave like good parents- exercising proper responsibility.

Hard to see what their importance is if they are absent and / or not meeting responsibility. Except in a negative capacity.

Many MNers who were children of alcoholics and drug addicts will have things to say about the importance of such parents.

And no, he can't veto her name choices, he is not married to her, he can ONLY veto her name choices if he is on the BC or is married and thus has automatic PR.

And sexism here is irrelevant - the advice to the OP is based on his behaviour, not his sex.

That’s bollocks. Of course they still have parental responsibility. They’re the parent.

I’m just not sexist. Fathers have the same rights as mothers and are just as important.

@CaptainMyCaptain @Imbusytodaysorry

It is true that if you are not married you cannot put the father on the BC unless he attends in person with you.

However, whether married or not, whether he is present of not, you can give your child any name you choose. Your surname, his, both, your next door neighbour's, your Mum's birth name, a new made up name, anything you like as long as it complies with general protocol (can't contain obscenities, numbers or 'misleading titles' which I guess means you can't call your baby ArchbishopOfCanterbury )

But that's not what she's saying. She didn't change her kids' surname to hers so she won't be called her husband's surname. She's fine with her kids having their dad's surname. She just prefers to have her own surname (which is fine).

@Whatamitodonow I understand what you're saying. I got called Mrs DDsDadsSurname by default. I hated that. So I changed my DDs name to my surname.

Give the baby your surname and protect them from a drug addict by not putting the fathers name in the birth certificate.

To all those saying 'the child has the right to know who their father is'... no one is saying the child won't be told who their father is. But keeping the father off the birth certificate stops a drug addict having parental responsibility. This will ensure the mother can get on with raising the child without having to consult with a drug addict about which school the child goes to, where they can go on holidays, whether they can have vaccinations... the list goes on...

It may be that the father gets clean... and the father and mother can successfully coparent with no issues, but to protect the child from a known drug addict, at this moment in time it is better not to put the father on the birth certificate.

it’s not as if people don’t still recognise me as the kids mum. I will always have that identity, regardless of names.

Also while this is technically true, neither the men nor women who think it's fine for the kids to automatically have the dad's name feel this way if they had to only have the mum's name. '

Could you imagine this sentiment instead: 'It's fine for them to take their mum's name only. After all, people will still recognise the dad as their dad and he'll always have that identity regardless of names'. Most wouldn't say this if it were the man. It usually seems so much more important to them for the dad's and kids' identities to have the man's name when the shoe is on the other foot. It's quite the double standard I think.

Again, not saying you think this way but most people who're of that mindset do.

This.

My brother and sister had to change their names to remove their abusive dad's surname, and my sister changed her name entirely.

This is a whole person, not a new puppy. The primary caregiver/s choose the name. He won't be.

And if he's making shitty comments about not bonding because of the surname, then I doubt he'll every be.

OP, if you're not going to name the baby's father on the birth certificate I don't know why you'd even consider double barrelling the surname.
Your surname only.

I believe hair strand test is 90 days.. which, tbh, we don't even have that long left now.
And what happens when he relapses on day 91? All because it's only to prove a point, not because he actually wants to get & stay clean.

... although he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname
This is emotional blackmail and bullshit!! If he can't bond with the baby it's because he is putting drugs ahead of his child, not because of a name.

I see you've reached a decision now, please stick with it. And best of luck, your baby is very lucky to have you 💐 💓 💙

Oh no I think we're talking about different things. I agree with not taking your husband's name. What I mean (and thought you meant) is that you specifically don't want your kids to have your name.

I think kids shouldn't just take the dad's name automatically because it took two people to make them, so a double-barrelled name or one that's been joined with both mum and dad's names together to form one name or a completely different one chosen by both parents.

It seems you mean you're okay with kids having dad's name but not having yours which I don't think is fair to women (but some don't mind). Kids should have both parents names but if there should be a choice between one or the other, it should be the mum's name seeing as she carried and birthed them (and in many cases, have to do the bigger work of raising them).

If that's not what you meant then fair enough but that's why I was curious. I agree with your post about your own identity as a separate issue.

That true I mis read .she can have his name but he won’t be on the birth certificate . Pretty silly

Of course you can. You can give your baby any name you want (within reason).

And no I wouldn't want them around my small child. But I also wouldn't chose to be in a relationship with an addict let alone have a child with them.