Bonfire night etiquette.

What is the issue with pies? I thought southerners ate pie and mash? Nothing wrong with good butcher bought pies. You sound insufferable.

I also agree with pp suggesting the public display.

Just take some sparklers. If she has some wood and scraps make a bonfire in ssid new garden and sit around it toasting mashmellows. Very simple.

Northerner here greater Manchester / Lancashire- pasties more than pies. Chips with gravy. Bonfire night jacket potatoes treacle toffee gingerbread.

This is not really about bonfire night though, is it? It’s about the difference in opinion between your mother and you & your sister as to how the relationship should work.
You, quite rightly, believe that an adult who hosts should provide the venue, refreshment, entertainment etc, unless explicitly stated at the time of issuing the invitation. This is particularly true if the adult in question is your mother. A degree of care and nurture can be taken for granted in a healthy relationship.
Your mother clearly sees it as her children’s responsibility to look after her! She invites you round. Then wants you to pay or provide. It may be that she sees you as adults with jobs and she sees herself as poor in relation to you.
YANBU but it may be that you need to have a sit down chat with your sister and your mother to explain how let down you both feel when DM does this. Be prepared for her to put her point of view over too.
If that is not possible, just clarify expectations every single time an invite is extended.
“That would be lovely DM. Do you need me to bring anything? I could provide pudding if you are getting the pies and the fireworks”. If she springs it on you at a later date, pull out of the event. “I won’t have time to buy fireworks, mum so maybe best if we don’t come this year”. If you don’t tackle it, it will continue to drive you nuts.
I think there is a wider issue generally about expectations as to who pays for what at family events as children become adults. It needs a discussion so everyone is on the same page. We recently took our adult children and their partners on holiday. We paid for accommodation, food, meals out etc. They paid their own flights, bought most of the booze and picked up small bills like coffee out. Worked well for everyone.
The crying your mum does when you raise this sounds like common or garden manipulation, however and you should refuse to feel guilty.
“This is clearly making you upset, which is not the intention. Let’s talk about it when you are feeling stronger”.

More lazy Northern stereotypes! I grew up in Manchester. Everyone there says packed lunch. The first time I ate a pie was on holiday in Australia. Just because your husband’s family do something doesn’t mean all northerners do anymore than it means all brits do…

Tell her that you are coming then cancel half an hour before!

Personally, living in Spain. We have firework fiestas regularly.. maybe once a week, it’s their (our) culture. But I’ve spent time seasoning my 3 dogs to the fireworks. Now they are fine.

https://www.lidl.co.uk/p/standard-fireworks-the-energiser/p10018578

Unlikely to exceed the cost of pies for you and your kids

I would say fireworks are expensive, we are happy to provide sparklers and bring dessert (toffee/chocolate apples)

No one can make you feel guilty unless you let them.

You and your sister need to stand up for yourselves.

This sounds delicious (not Northern, but now very hungry).

I think parched peas (Googling says this is black peas and vinegar) is a Lancashire thing only.

In Yorkshire it is mushy peas with optional mint sauce with a pork pie (served hot).

In Northern parts, a steaming cup of parched peas are still a thing on bonfire night. Thank God for Booths!! It's one of the few places to still sell them.
Pie, peas and gravy on a cold night is bliss .

Lol, we had something similar a few years back, a family invited us and the whole class round to theirs for bonfire night (city folk but they've bought a farm). Then we got sent their bank details so that we could transfer £70 towards the cost of fireworks. Closely followed by another request to bring "a large green salad and coleslaw" for the pot luck supper.
The event got cancelled when their farm manager pointed out that fireworks and farm animals don't go well together.

You're mother sounds really grabby. Have you ever had a serious conversation with her about how transactional she is and how that makes you feel? Families are about love, not business.

Yes, they have lots of spare bones so it makes sense that they use them to make gravy with.

But it is in many places, so it is sensible/polite when seeing someone talking about something you're unfamiliar with to respond with positive curiosity, rather than derailing the thread by rudely suggesting that the food is disgusting and no-one eats that combination anyway.

It's something that comes up often on MN and it's ironic that, while the average Mumsnetter probably considers herself worldly and sophisticated, she knows very little about the culture and customs of her own nation.

We used to do a big annual family bonfire party where we had a standard menu of pork pie and peas and chilli and baked potatoes, which hardly got touched because it was all about the pie and peas.

The pork pies came from a local butcher that was a bit nice/special so a bit of a treat and not every day affordable to most of our family, so something they looked forward to. After a few years I started asking if they'd like me to change the menu for variety and it was made abundantly clear that there would be a riot if they did not get their pie and peas!

“This is literally a standard bonfire night tea is it not? We do it every year 🤯"

Not a tradition I've ever heard of in my neck of the woods. So... no, it is literally not.

Oh you get gravy from the butcher???

Good back track.

No…she ordered from the butcher.

PMSL, you are aware of satire right? Did you really think I was genuinely suggesting childhoods different from my own were miserable?

Mate, you must get your MN knickers in a twist an awful lot.

Sounds exactly like my mum, she hosted Christmas last year but we all had to contribute a course, despite her coming to my house many times without bringing a thing. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Not quite…

She cries to prompt you to feel guilt.

As you can, take a step back to consider:

Why is your mother taken to tears? Hurt? Frustration? Not getting her own way?
These are her feelings, not yours, so if your mother is so moved then so her tears fall.

BUT how is this down to you?
Unless you have directly & purposefully hurt her?

Then as she cries, it is not for you to feel guilt.

As she cries, ask her why she is so upset.
If it is because you cannot or will not do what she wants, then that is the beginning of an adult ‘please do this’ conversation. We can ask of adults & they are free to say no, nope, nada.

You cannot change your mother’s M.O., but you can change how you respond.

#GetTheeGuiltFree

Oh did OP's mum order from the Chippie?? Oh I see <tired> 🤣