To think I did NOT give them a “present” of horrible wine!

Sometimes I get made out to be the bonkers / sensitive one so I'm so glad majority here don't love it either!

Only read your first post OP but had to jump on to say my FIL (who thankfully has other redeeming qualities) is like this in terms of the particular brand of 'wind up' / 'taking joke further and further especially for a reaction' humour and it drives. Me. Up. The. WALL!!!!! Doesn't bother MIL and DH in the slightest presumably as they've had lifetimes to get used to it but oh my goodness it makes me bonkers. Some solidarity. I tend to just go quiet when it's being taken super far as can't trust myself not to crack! (Which I also have sometimes but thankfully he isn't a sulker, oof that must be extra difficult!) No advice sorry. Just solidarity as I say for the brand of humour being annoying.

This is my experience too. I don't know any autistic people who get a kick out of bullying others. If they say the wrong thing it's unintentional and they can get disproportionately upset and try really hard to make amends

Didn't you realise you were contradicting yourself when you typed out the first and second sentence? OP said it wasn't a present, therefore it wasn't a present. Her parents 'being into wine' doesn't magically make it a present when it was neither intended nor announced as one, it's just the reason why she gave it to them - presumably if they didn't drink she wouldn't have bothered.

You must have very formal relationships with your parents if you can only conceptualise giving each other things within the context of official 'presents.' In my family my mum grows some mint, she gives me a cutting. Supermarket delivery gives me a substitute I don't like I ask if my parents want it rather than binning it. I buy leggings that don't fit, I give them to my sister. She hands down her DC's clothes to mine. We wouldn't consider any of these as 'presents,' just normal sharing among family and wouldn't be offended either at being given them as the recipient, or as the giver if the recipient then didn't like/want to keep them.

THIS.
(I speak as someone diagnosed with autism).

Unfortunately no regard for anyone else's feelings or the relationship, very sensitive himself but indifferent to the feelings of others.

This is not a trait of autism. Autistic people often have trouble reading and anticipating the feelings of others, but that is absolutely not the same as not caring about anyone else's feelings but their own.

The bright line test for whether someone was actually joking in a loving way or innocently oblivious to the negative effects of their comments is how they respond when they're told their comments/actions hurt or upset another.

I think this sort of reaction is how future interactions may go, so to dial back these sorts of gestures. Your dad took the joke painfully far.

I was burned several times by both my parents but not jokes but anger and I actually don’t think it’s much different whether it is jokes or anger, it is being rude. My parents pretend any presents are so expensive and when opening would exclaim this angrily and say not to spend money, and this went on for many years. It sucks the joy out because my siblings and I like to buy something nice for them. Outside of celebrations I would sometimes leave little presents such as something to read for my mum (mags that she likes), and she got so angry about it saying not to do that. I’ve learned my lesson and don’t do any gestures ever again. When it is a celebration present it is a small amount, may as well be free off the street.

@thepariscrimefiles Yep I'm a northerner and he would piss off everyone I know.

I'm a northerner and I think he sounds like an annoying twat.

I generally don't find autistic/ASD people to be sulky and intentionally bullying like this.

But they might have liked it! This was an expensive bottle of wine. People have different tastes. If they had liked it, would you still say it was bad form?

It wasn't a gift because OP and her family don't bring gifts when they visit. OP says she normally treats them to a meal out or a takeaway instead.

This behaviour will just mean that OP won't want to visit them.

How very dare you df slate Hungarian wine 😡 he clearly doesn’t know his wines and thinks he’s a ‘wine snob’. He knows chuff all about wine. He’s also got the manners of a gibbon.

Sounds like totally normal family humour to me, and I wouldn’t bat an eyelid - but I’m a northerner 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well said! Can't believe all the excuses people are coming up with for this behavior.

In my dad's case, it's almost certainly an autistic thing coupled with the fact that he's got away with it for too long to change now. He's actually very kind, but he gets an ideé fixe and loses sight of normal behaviour at times.

This. Id not have said i didnt like it just that you'd read some good reviews and thought they might enjoy it.

It’s classic narcissist behaviour. Research it for yourself. And they never get better, only worse over time.

No contact if you value your sanity.
Grey rock if no contact isn’t possible.
Sorry you have these people in your life.

Never buy him anything again and couch it in "ohh I always seem to get it wrong" and smile and tilt your head. Stupid idiot.

This reminds me of my mother. It's not only men who do "only joking" or "you're too sensitive". It really pisses me off: the joke/insult followed by the further insult of lack of sense of humour for daring to stand up to them. Then my mother gets off on the argument that follows. Triple wammy. So fucking draining.

But I am too much of wimp/kind to be nasty. My sister isn't. She has a sharp tongue and can really cut my mother down. My mother never says such shit to her. Pure bullying.

That’s definitely the reaction of a classic narc. There’s only one solution to having a person like that in your life- go no contact.

(and if ‘no contact’ isn’t a feasible option then grey rock them.

They will not change, except to get worse over time. Monsters.

No I meant when she tried it

Sounds like your dad has a similar sense of humour as my dad. And struggles to know when to stop. It has gotten worse the older he gets.

Same @rewis. The struggle is real. I just smile/ignore; it used to bother but I let it go these days.

Ok I'm going to say it ..

...does he have autism or neurodiversity?

I have traits myself (hopefully have self educated myself, though I maintain a tendency to ramble...).

Signs are:

Not really comfortable or fitting in but trying to by pretending theres an "in joke". The in-crowd has a company of one, sadly.

Not actually funny or original or clever but just continuing obsessively on one topic way after anyone is interested. Can't read signals.

When challenged, coming up with arguments about how actually he's the logical, funny, amusing, chilled out one and everyone else is hysterical and hyper sensitive.

Unfortunately no regard for anyone else's feelings or the relationship, very sensitive himself but indifferent to the feelings of others.

Examples I've experienced (apart from my long posts,)

• Older man who kept going on about how I used to be fat as he'd seen me in a different outfit at an event 🤔

I didn't actually care but he just kept repeating this as if I'd done some big "reveal" or lost 3 stone over a week.

Absolutely no-one (including me) had approached this topic or was remotely interested. There was nothing to discuss!

But he kept blurting this weird "observation" out randomly. Former senior professor with tonnes of money. No common sense.

• Young relative who can't stop stream of consciousness observations (often perceived as quite hurtful or inappropriate). Diagnosed so hopefully will receive some support with social skills.

• Dad of young relative, same, observations phrased as domineering "jokes".

This is his whole conversational flow...you try to politely change the topic, weather, food, travel.

No, need to return to the unfunny discussion about how "we" all make jokes about how messy you look. There is no "we", just him.

If you walk away he follows you around repeating himself looking anxious and aggressive and tries to get other people involved. It's not a discussion, it's a monologue of verbal diarrhoea.

• Ex partners mother, had her "trains of thought" which generally involved some sort of criticism, repeated multiple times until everyone in the group was wincing.

My ex moved countries to get away from her when he had children.

She insisted on following him (no-one wanted her around after she was widowed)

but he has to keep her in a neighbouring country a flight away as his wife can't bear her.

I think with this autism, maybe it's better if they have something else to do or focus on or analyse for the mental energy or to decompress? I know I need outlets or I get intense (I'm mostly harmless though).

But it's shit and annoying for the recipient.