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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed about Christmas?

34 replies

user2312 · 13/10/2024 15:31

I'm Spending Christmas with family 2 hours away this year. My partner has a child. He said he wanted to spend Christmas with me this year, Christmas Eve until Boxing Day and then would drive home and have his child for a couple of days. He's now said he doesn't think he can do that and would want to have his child Christmas night evening which I understand 100%, was always his idea not mine. But I'm annoyed now because I probably won't see him at all, AIBU to be annoyed?

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Original poster
user2312 · 13/10/2024 17:51

To make it clear I have no issue with the kid or him spending time with him.
My issue is him not thinking how it's made me feel or not making an effort for me when I've had too for him and his life

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Original poster
user2312 · 13/10/2024 17:50

Your right I don't fully understand as I don't have kids but I've always understood kids come first and respected that.
I'm just annoyed he said what he thought I wanted to hear. I had no issue in spending it apart it was all his idea and him pushing it on me to do the original so naturally I'm disappointed. He's not divorced yet but is nearly.

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AngelinaFibres · 13/10/2024 17:16

You sound very young Op. As an older woman I would say the following things to you

  1. Learn to drive. Its the most important test you will ever pass.
  2. There are many, many men in the world. It is absolutely possible to find one without so much baggage.Single men with children generally fall into 2 categories. The ones who ignore their existing children, have more with the next girlfriend, split with her and repeat the endless cycle. Or the ones who put their children first which means you,as a childless girlfriend , will always,always come second. Find yourself a single man who doesn't have children it's makes for a much easier life.
ginasevern · 13/10/2024 17:12

He was trying to please everyone and realised that he simply couldn't. It happens. I've done it myself. Also, he hasn't been divorced long and arrangements for his son are fairly new to him. He hasn't found a balance yet and he wants to do the right thing by his child - which is good. Even though you say you understand, I don't think you really do OP.

wwjalme · 13/10/2024 17:04

This is only the second Christmas since he split with the child's mother so you haven't been together very long.
I think you are expecting too much for this stage in the relationship.
Perhaps he felt like he had to say he would go with you to your family. It's not great that he said he would go and now he's changed his mind, but it's over 2 months away so it's not like he dropped it on you at the last minute.
His child should always come first and if you don't like it you should move on and find someone who doesn't have a child.

ExcludedatfiveFML · 13/10/2024 16:57

So the actual issue is that he doesn't want to drive on Christmas day, meaning you're less important than alcohol

Nothing to do with the kid at all.

dreamer24 · 13/10/2024 16:53

MILs who insist on making heartbreakingly disappointing gravy EVERY YEAR!!!

🤣

Calliopespa · 13/10/2024 16:49

Honestly I think MN has convinced me that Christmas just shouldn’t happen . The amount of distress, and upset, and disappointment, and tears and falling out that happens over Christmas arrangements is phenomenal.

It’s supposed to be a happy time, but I think the reality is that with so many divorces and second families and MILs who insist on making heartbreakingly disappointing gravy EVERY YEAR!!! and SILs who decide to drop their babies at the wrong moment so she can’t host ( and on … and on …and on) it’s all become too much for everyone .

Original poster
user2312 · 13/10/2024 16:37

I didn't really say anything back. I'm just going to do my thing now and he can do his.

It's not all me me me. But I do think i deserve to be considered or appreciated, is that so bad?

No he's like it a lot. Feel like I plan organise most things. Reading myself write this I feel a bit of a mug to be honest

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LlynTegid · 13/10/2024 16:31

I wonder if this is the only time he is indecisive, even if it is 10 or 11 weeks away, or does not think of practicalities.

Gemmawemma9 · 13/10/2024 16:25

He’s given you almost three months notice. You are being childish and unreasonable. Your responses on here are childish and argumentative. Very me me me.

UhOhSpagettiOh · 13/10/2024 16:22

when I ask when do I fit in his attitude is it's months away we'll figure it out.

Then what did you say back to him?

If planning is important to you and it isn't to him you need to make that clear to him. "Listen it seems like you want to work it out closer to the time but that doesn't really work for me. How about we do XYZ at Christmas? Or is it that you don't want to spend time with me at Xmas as if that's the case I'd like to know that from now"

AuldSpookySewers · 13/10/2024 16:16

Assuming you’re still quite young, you’d be better off finding someone who doesn’t have ‘baggage’.

Ponoka7 · 13/10/2024 16:12

He's only been split from the child's mum less than two years?

hughiedoesntfight · 13/10/2024 16:11

user2312 · 13/10/2024 16:05

Maybe I didn't think about it him not having his child till Boxing Day as an issue as he made out it would be fine. Also this is only his second Christmas where his been split from his child's mom so no real arrangement has ever been made. Last year was the night of Christmas Eve till Christmas night evening.
I don't have kids so it's not as easy for me to relate but I do always think of his child as much and have always respected he comes first etc. no issue with that.
I'm just sad because I feel like I've been told what he thought I wanted to hear. I even suggested back then him coming with me Christmas Eve till Christmas afternoon. My family would do an earlier dinner etc then he could go back. When I suggested that again I don't think he wants to drive Christmas Day which is fair enough and I don't drive otherwise I would of said I'd go to my family Christmas Day. I just feel there's no compromise or thought for me.

Lots of people wouldn't want to drive 2 hours on Christmas day.

I think given he had his child Christmas eve and Christmas night last year was a tip off that he would have the child Christmas night.

The compromise would be both of you putting yourself out. You cab see him before you go and you can come back day after boxing day and spend some Christmas time together. Around work.

Yes he has his child to consider. But you have also chosen to go away. So how it's falling is due to both of you.

Needmorelego · 13/10/2024 16:11

@user2312 it sounds like you will have to do what lots of people do - have your "Christmas Day" on a different day.
(which means you get 2 Christmas's....🙂)

Original poster
user2312 · 13/10/2024 16:08

Needmorelego · 13/10/2024 16:06

Can't he come to your family with his child?
If this is a long term partner then this is your "step child".
So part of your family.

His child is absolutely welcome.
However his child is being picked up Christmas night and due back Boxing Day night. So wouldn't work.

OP posts:
Original poster
user2312 · 13/10/2024 16:07

UhOhSpagettiOh · 13/10/2024 16:02

It is annoying when people change plans. It's especially annoying if it's at short notice. This is not short notice.

I get it's not short notice. I have said I get it I even said when first discussed I wouldn't mind, my issue now is when I ask when do I fit in his attitude is it's months away we'll figure it out. He also goes back to work day after Boxing Day.

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 13/10/2024 16:06

Can't he come to your family with his child?
If this is a long term partner then this is your "step child".
So part of your family.

Original poster
user2312 · 13/10/2024 16:05

Maybe I didn't think about it him not having his child till Boxing Day as an issue as he made out it would be fine. Also this is only his second Christmas where his been split from his child's mom so no real arrangement has ever been made. Last year was the night of Christmas Eve till Christmas night evening.
I don't have kids so it's not as easy for me to relate but I do always think of his child as much and have always respected he comes first etc. no issue with that.
I'm just sad because I feel like I've been told what he thought I wanted to hear. I even suggested back then him coming with me Christmas Eve till Christmas afternoon. My family would do an earlier dinner etc then he could go back. When I suggested that again I don't think he wants to drive Christmas Day which is fair enough and I don't drive otherwise I would of said I'd go to my family Christmas Day. I just feel there's no compromise or thought for me.

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UhOhSpagettiOh · 13/10/2024 16:02

It is annoying when people change plans. It's especially annoying if it's at short notice. This is not short notice.

RevelryMum · 13/10/2024 15:59

I did yes but your DP was obviously trying to please everyone and realised that his DC was more of a priority and wants to spend Christmas with them which is understandable hence my below comment .

hughiedoesntfight · 13/10/2024 15:58

user2312 · 13/10/2024 15:55

Have you not read any of my posts? 🙄
I have no issue with it!!
I'm annoyed at him saying one thing doing another and wondering where I fit into seeing him at Christmas.

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You fit in around his child and your trip.

hughiedoesntfight · 13/10/2024 15:58

Honestly, I think if you choose to go away then you should expect he isn't going, when it comes to Christmas. I get that it was his idea , but didn't you think it was a terrible idea when he suggested it?

I wouldn't be very impressed with a man who chose not to have his child Christmas eve or Christmas night when he could.

It would be different if they had a set up where, he got Christmas eve/Christmas day handing over boxing day. Then the reverse the following year. But that's not the case here.

He had the opportunity and was going to choose to not have his child. It wouldn't have sat right with me when he first said it.

Original poster
user2312 · 13/10/2024 15:55

RevelryMum · 13/10/2024 15:53

His child has to and will always come first if you can't cope with that move on

Have you not read any of my posts? 🙄
I have no issue with it!!
I'm annoyed at him saying one thing doing another and wondering where I fit into seeing him at Christmas.

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