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AIBU?

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So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 13/10/2024 19:10

I think she sounds mentally ill too and needs professional help - to be honest I would be NC with her

Portakalkedi · 13/10/2024 19:06

Well why on earth would you invite her or allow her in? You are an adult and don't have to let anyone in that you don't want there, parent or not. Arrange a nice day out or trip, and don't tell her about it if you can't stop her coming to your house. Poor kid.

ThinWomansBrain · 13/10/2024 19:06

YABU to still be inviting her round - birthdays or not.

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 19:01

That really isn’t true. Children do, often, hold their parents accountable for not protecting them from toxic grandparents.

5128gap · 13/10/2024 18:40

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 18:34

this has been going on for years

I doubt anything is going to stop the same thing happening next year 🤷

Well hopefully that's not going to be the case and the OP doesn't invite her. Or she invites her and she and her children agree that we ignore grandma because she talks nonsense. Like tends to happen in most families where there's a toxic person. What is highly unlikely to happen is the OPs DC are going to hold their grandmothers annual behaviour as a grudge against OP into adulthood and go 'no contact' with OP.

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 18:34

5128gap · 13/10/2024 18:33

Is it? I think its quite a take to distress and worry the OP even more by suggesting she'll lose her children over it, when i cant imagine any adult child would cut off an otherwise good mother for the behaviour of someone else. The OP has enough on her plate having a toxic mother to deal with without people ramping up the drama and telling her her children won't speak to her when they grow up.

this has been going on for years

I doubt anything is going to stop the same thing happening next year 🤷

5128gap · 13/10/2024 18:33

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 15:24

that is quite a take on what the OP has said has been going on for a “few years”

Is it? I think its quite a take to distress and worry the OP even more by suggesting she'll lose her children over it, when i cant imagine any adult child would cut off an otherwise good mother for the behaviour of someone else. The OP has enough on her plate having a toxic mother to deal with without people ramping up the drama and telling her her children won't speak to her when they grow up.

Normallynumb · 13/10/2024 18:28

Your Mum is truly awful. Does she have no filter or self awareness?
At a guess I'd say it's because all the attention is directed to the focus of the special occasion instead of her, so she tries to sabotage for everyone else.
Does that make her a narcissist? Sounds like it
I simply wouldn't invite her.
There not be many guests, but it's quality over quantity.

Jellybeanbag · 13/10/2024 18:21

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 18:04

What a silly thing to say! Have you met human beings? They are epically capable of all the stuff OP reports for her mother.

Never met a human being in my life.

What a silly thing to ask 😦

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 18:05

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 18:04

What a silly thing to say! Have you met human beings? They are epically capable of all the stuff OP reports for her mother.

as one of us just struggle to believe a mother would subject her own children to this kind of poisonous person for… years

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 18:04

Jellybeanbag · 13/10/2024 17:59

Its not that deep that I need to report anything, calm down

What a silly thing to say! Have you met human beings? They are epically capable of all the stuff OP reports for her mother.

IBegYourBiggestPardon · 13/10/2024 18:01

ttcat37 · 13/10/2024 15:19

“who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

Of course she said this to her physically disabled niece, of course she did…
I'm calling bullshit on this one. Nobody says this kind of shit and doesn’t get cast out by the whole family.

My ex mil would say something like this. If anyone pulls her up on it she will feign innocence and or turn on the waterworks

Jellybeanbag · 13/10/2024 17:59

thepariscrimefiles · 13/10/2024 15:04

Are you accusing the OP of lying? If you don't think this is genuine, report the threat instead of making snarky comments.

Its not that deep that I need to report anything, calm down

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 17:55

This poster above me is correct: the behavior, whatever its origin, is intolerable and cruel. The woman should be avoided for the sake if the children whatever the cause of the behavior.

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 17:41

It strikes me as odd that nobody has suggested she ma by nd.

It wouldn’t have any impact on me whatsoever. Not a chance she’d have contact with my children. ND or NT… 🤷 irrelevant

JWhipple · 13/10/2024 17:35

She's an abusive bully to everyone.

Stop helping her with projects and stop allowing her around your kids. If you don't feel safe or comfortable around her, how do you expect your children to?
She's vile.

tolerable · 13/10/2024 17:32

OP. I could have written this.
My ma is 80+ and still at it.
It strikes me as odd that nobody has suggested she ma by nd. Has she been spectrum tested? The abrubt(unecessary/rude)commenting especially in social settings is up there.
(argueably so is narcissistic-but as she attempts vague apology and doesnt deny say it im not convinced)-for me,my mum is ..........a nightmare. my sisters and the kids dont get the version i do. Increasingly with age,her wicked mouth has "let slip" more often around them.
If I am there- i clap n raise a glass to granma "doing her usual" Its easier to laugh at her inappropriate shit than to take it on board. Theyve started doing the same. Yes point it out-but never feed it.or feel it. to her they are throw away comments...
Thing is - she isnt going to change.i dont think the pile on that you arent protect your kids is fair. You +they know this is a "her"thing. you\they know better\not inclined to do it.....
@Tiredofallthis101 -thats victim blaming.shes asking for advice now?

you grew up with an abuser --and prob spent your lifetime hurting,embarrased n feeling responsible.you are not.
Tell her- from now on when you do that it will be pointed out-might even keep a journal on it so you can bring to gp.

Sweetnessandbite · 13/10/2024 17:29

So to help your Dd. What does she enjoy doing? Does she needs counselling? Can you encourage some clubs or hobbies where she has more chance of making friends? Does she not have any friends at all?

Terrribletwos · 13/10/2024 17:17

Sounds like your mother is a drunk and is abusive.

You need to go no contact asap.

CantBelieveNaive · 13/10/2024 17:14

Tiredofallthis101 · 13/10/2024 15:38

I mean, to be honest, I think this is all your fault. You're letting her do this to you and your children. You need to block her on your kids phones/social media etc so she can go manipulating them. Then you need to go low contact with her and not invite her to their parties, however much she cries. You know she's a selfish manipulative liar. I know how hard it is to let go of the hope she might change and one day be the kind of mother you deserve, but realistically she won't be. Don't let your kids suffer because you aren't strong enough to tell her to fuck off.

You can do this. You have a husband and kids who love you. You don't need her. She might need you- but if so then she needs to prove herself worthy of your love and care. Stealing her grandchild's birthday cake and chocolates and prioritising herself by buying her favourite cake shows she is not worthy of your time.

Stop blaming the victim. Are you her mum? X

Thunderpants88 · 13/10/2024 17:11

OP. Get a grip of yourself. Stand up and advocate for your children. You teach them by example how they should expect to be treated.

I would be going very very low
contact with you Mum and only meeting up with her on her own for coffee where you can walk away if she starts being inappropriate.

I would also be sending her a pointed and direct text
”Mum your recent behaviour and history of inappropriate and hurtful comments have gone on long enough. I am sick of having to police your conversation. You do not heed social queues or have any respect for anyone’s feelings around you. You also make fake and false apologies before going back to the exact same behaviour. You are an adult. You are in full control of what comes out of your mouth. Until I see consistent evidence of change you are not welcome to any special occasions. You will not manipulate your way out of this.

You have chosen how you behave. When you take accountability of this, reflect and change we can hopefully spend more time together. I will stand my ground. What happens next is entirely your responsibility”

Lolapusht · 13/10/2024 17:11

Why does she do it? Because she’s a narcissist. She needs to be the centre of attention. She will manipulate, gaslight, threaten and plead to get what she wants.

What do you do about it? Drop the rope. Don’t invite her and actively tell her not to come. Go low contact. OR put up with it. Those are your options. Sorry!

Notfinanciallyresponsibleforyou · 13/10/2024 17:10

FFS we have the same mother! I had a big bust up with my mum and said she needed job/hobbies/friends. She reached the stage where she could drain life out of a corpse. All attention had to be on her as the centre of the universe. Hated the fact that I left, have a good career and don’t need to beg for help which is just as well as any help would have strings attached.

just go very low contact and don’t invite her to stuff where you think she will kick off. Your mother knows what’s she is doing

Cherrysoup · 13/10/2024 17:07

She’s horrible and she isn’t going to change. If she starts, you need to kick her out and show her you’re serious. She’s bullying your kids/you then gaslighting that you’re just ‘too sensitive’ when actually, she’s just a fucking bitch.

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 17:06

my grandparents died when I was young, but she always talks about how much they disliked her, couldn’t stand her but loved her brother

hmmm I wonder why

OP posts:
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