So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

I wouldn't invite her again and would tell her why. Some people get away with being thoughtless/rude because those round about them say nothing and they then think they haven't said anything wrong.
I have a relative who is tactless borderline verbally abusive when speaking to others. I call them out on it every single time and it has reduced the number of incidents.

I have to say
I agree

Even the very fact the Op was once again seeing the woman

and why the hell focus on birthday parties?! They’re once a year FGS. What about all the other days when this poisonous woman has been with the Op’s children

You can't do anything about this OP except tell your Mum that her drama upsets you and the children and that you need to keep her clear of your family for the moment, at least until she finds a way to have more self control. Maybe there's a mental health problem that she could get some help with via her doctor.

Sorry, OP, but based on your last post, I think you’re the one who is unbelievable. So much drama and you just perpetuate it. The solution is simple and has been the answer for the rest of your family - go no contact with your mum. I would do that before your teens, who will very soon grow up, get some therapy themselves and realise that you were the problem all along for failing to protect them. And change your DC’s mobile numbers so that your mum can’t contact them directly.

You have grown up with this so its not your fault, but please think about the following:

-how she made you feel as a kid with all the manipulation and 'too sensitive' comments. This is how she is making your kids feel. Do you want that?

-What are you showing your kids when she behaves like this to you? That its ok to let someone bully and manipulate you? That you have to put up with it and accept their feeble excuses/fake apologies? Do you think this may be partly why your daughter has been bullied and finds it difficult to make friends?

-How can you draw some boundaries for your kids as their parent? Why don't you reply to your kids when your mother is pleading to come by saying that 'She shouldn't be saying these things to you, it isn't appropriate. She should talk to me - I am your parent and I am in charge here'. You are the adult here, draw some boundaries around your kids. If necessary tell them 'while grandma can be lovely, she can also be very selfish and rude, and on balance I have decided its better if she doesn't come' .Block her if you have to on all your families devices/ SM.

-What can you say that is calm, rational and not reactive when she is inappropriate? plan some things in advance. You have had some good suggestions. Perhaps just 'mum that is a not a reasonable thing to say, please stop now'

Good luck and remember- your house, your kids, your rules, and grey rock! And NC if you have to/want to.

sounds like its deliberate to me.... and honestly i would call her out on that.... not what she said but the intention behind it. i can be quite direct when i need to be and i wouldnt be letting her get away with it... its not cool and its not by accident either and i would likely say it in front of people to out it for what it is and put a stop to it

who cares if she’s ill or not ill
ND or NT

She has abused the Op for years
Was “mean” to the op during her entire childhood
and is now cruel to the Op’s children

I wouldn’t be within 5 miles of her
And my children wouldn’t know her from Adam

And no she isn't ill. My mum sometimes seems like she's ill when she 'switches' (into some sort of psychotic demon mode) but oddly, she never behaves badly with other people.

she angrily shouts “what do you want me to do, SKIN MYSELF to prove how sorry I am???? RIP MY HEART OUT??”
my husband who’s with me, mad, after seeing our daughter cry, angrily says YES YOU SHOULD.

The correct answer is 'well at least it would prove your apology was genuine. None of your others ever have been.'

If she brings it up again, try it. OTOH I rather hope you never have any contact with her again. She might be lovely some of the time, but you can't even be sure that's the real her. It's like abusive men (and no doubt some women), if they were nasty all the time you wouldn't give them a second chance. They know they have to keep some good bits to keep you thinking it's worth going back for more.

Karyl not Daryl

Wow. Some of this could be just thoughtless and 'lacking a filter' but some of it goes way beyond into mental cruelty: giving a child a birthday cake to which they're allergic; the nasty remarks to your dd about 'nobody cares except me'; perhaps worst of all, the things she said to your cousin. Either she has some neurological or mental health problem causing it (has she been medically checked for a possible frontal lobe condition?) or she is just vicious. In any case, she should not be coming to the children's birthdays.

She's a narcissist OP, and actually quite a malignant one. I'd suggest reading "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by Daryl McBride. I found it quite difficult to recognise the narcissism traits in my mum but this book has a quiz that was very helpful. My mum scored very highly and this helped me to stop doubting myself.

I don't think you should let your mother anywhere near your children. My mother only insults me and my sister....if she started on my kids I'd be NC in an instant.

i literally am gobsmacked and don’t know what to say 😱😱😱 she sounds awful

Having grown up with this as your "normal" I'm not surprised you are struggling with this. However, let me say from an outsider's point of view - what she is saying is awful, horrific, unforgivable. For the sake of your children you need to stop seeing her, and if they beg that she's ill, whatever, you tell them "that is not an excuse to abuse people. We don't have to take abuse from people. Also, she's not ill, she's just telling you lies, just as she has done my whole life, which is why I, the parent, have wised up and am cutting contact for all of us so the cycle of abuse is broken"

Is it possible she’s got some health condition that is making her act bizarrely?

Not tell her? On the contrary, go somewhere wonderful, without her. Send pictures with a note " For once we had a happy time. Can you guess why?

I agree with some of the comments on the neurological problem, maybe she needs medical help
so sorry to hear she’s such an upsetting woman , don’t invite her again x

I've been reading a book called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" which is worth looking up. The EI parents make everything about them, can't give space to other people's problems and essentially are self centred. Unfortunately you have two options - restrict contact to just you and her and save your children from negative behaviour. Or, remove contact altogether. I did the second option and although I had guilt to start with, I was surprised at how refreshing it was to not have that influence in our lives.

"Lack of empathy and saying inappropriate things can be a sign of some age related neurological conditions."

Judging by what op has said there does seem to be something wrong. Obviously don't trust her to buy party food and don't leave her unattended with cake (though it seems incredible that she could eat a whole cake).
I suppose try to get help (diagnosis?) if you can.

So sorry to say this, if this description is accurate the person's a sadist... 😔 You'll have to limit your contact to once a year (the time that suits you, without the children, preferably with hubby present or a friend) for the sake of your mental wellbeing.

If your Mum has always been like this is there a chance that she might have a form of Aspergers ? If not i'd suggest she goes to see her doctor anyway, Cannot imagine a parent / grandparent just being nasty for the hell of it. If that's the case then tell her she will not be included in anything until she adresses her hurtful behaviour.

Really does sound like it could be early onset dementia if she doesn’t remember it and is quite random with the things she says. Has she always been this way?

Is she drunk😳😳😳

Block now

forget the party
total side issue
you should be discussing fact you don’t have any intention of seeing her and certainly not allowing her to see the children unless she undergoes massive changes