Why do so many women put up with crap?

For me it was trying to emulate my parents and GPs marriage. Thinking I should just accept my fate to stay married. To work through our issues and learn from them. To not give up when exDH was being a pig. To stick together no matter what. Well, that didn't work. Financially, I was screwed if I left him. I was also critically short of self-esteem.

Although my parents have been married over 50 years, for ny mum, on being told I was divorcing, was mostly concerned over the welfare of my daughter and me. She and my dad acknowledge the world has moved on since they got married and, when I saw the light, that I had to do what was right for me and their granddaughter. I thought they'd be ashamed of me, but that's not the case. The so-called idea of sticking together no matter what in order to get my 50th anniversary chip wasn't achievable and it was ok.

I think women don't think they can manage alone, until they have to, and most do, and can, with amazing results. We are too often stuck in situations that we think we can't get out of, but it's possible. Nothing is 100% impossible. Self-esteem and loneliness plays a huge part. Financial reasons are huge. Even when we complain to our partners and say, you need to step up, I need more support, we're told we're nagging and needy...no, we are telling you we need help and you aren't delivering! Gaslighting and placing blame back on us also has huge consequences to our sense of the truth of things... second-guessing yourself all the time. It's hard to know if you are doing the right thing by standing up for yourself or if what you know to he true is actually a fantasy in your head. I battled with these feelings for years.

I get the impression a lot of them think it’s normal. It’s what they saw growing up I guess.

< fist bumps @HRTQueen >

exactly true

long past time to hand managing men’s behaviour back to them along with their arses

I can only talk for myself.

Because I’m over empathic and my tolerrance to shit has always been too high. I’ve found excuses to his behaviour again and again.
Because like anyone else, I’ve learnt shit stuff from my parents - like putting everyone else before me.
Because I had (and still have tbh) no idea what a good relationship is. I’ve never seen it modelled in front of me. I’ve never experienced it either so it was ‘normal’

So even though I have, in my head, very standards in what should be happening, I live with much less and try to deal with the cognitive dissonance. It’s ok, it’s been there since I was born really….

I’ve noticed that quite a few women don’t have a group of female friends for support and socialising. That’s a huge factor in leaving an unhealthy relationship with a horrible man. My DH died 7 years ago. I’ve remained single through choice because I have a fantastic group of friends to go away with, talk to and have fun with. I don’t need a man.

Why not ask why are so many men treat women so badly

I always find these threads to be condescending and often smug

and the blame once again lies at the feet of women

Why do so many women put up with crap?

Surely the more pertinent question is:

Why do so many men dish out crap?

Because biologically we have to bear kids if we want them, which means that it’s more difficult to sustain a career, difficult to earn a lot of money, challenging to go back to work after mat leave and also challenging to find a job if you are out of the job market for a significant time when you have young kids.

Of course there are some women without children whose partners are just plain abusive psychos. But there are a lot of women who have given up financial independence and where their partner is not evil, just lazy/ incompetent/ slobbish/ a bit rude where the balance of leaving vs staying us quite finely balanced (especially if you then have to turn your precious kids over to said lazy incompetent for half the time).

Economics. Childcare is most expensive in Europe, housing costs are insane, insecure and poorly paid work is plentiful and the social security system is excessively complex and minimal, people are quickly reduced to charity.

So it's easy to be trapped (by the sexist happy ever after narrative usually) and almost impossible to free yourself.

People hate change, especially if it will make life harder. Society has pushed the expectation\role model of family life out there and almost made it responsible for women to make it happen. Mothers will prioritise their children and try to 'keep the family together' whilst men are no where near as bothered and can just walk away, they have much more entitlement to what they want.

Also people hate change and the unknown and would rather bury their heads in the sand. Men hate it as much as women but believe they can get away with it as tend to hold the power in relationships. the more power they have the more 💩 they pull.

It’s because some women don’t want to be single and leaving a relationship is no guarantee you’ll find a “better” partner.

I’m not going to judge them for it. Most relationships aren’t all bad and when you leave, you lose the good as well as the bad. If you have kids and a house together, then that’s even more reasons why it would be difficult to split.

Just because I’ve reached a point where I’m ok being single, I’m not going to demand that others should feel the same way. I like my life but yes there are downsides to it. So if someone else would rather have the downsides of their relationship, then that’s their choice. (Abuse aside as no one should stay in an abusive relationship).

Having a bit of a moan on MN can be an outlet. Doesn’t mean they want to leave. They just want a bit of validation and that’s ok. If you don’t like it, don’t read the threads.

Many reasons and everyone is an individual obviously with specific circumstances but some general reasons probably:

Lack of financial independence.
Societal pressure to be coupled up rather than single.
Stigma about being a single mum.
Continuing what you saw in your parents marriage growing up and being unaware or unable to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma.

I think it is because women don’t realise how awful their men are.

Women genuinely believe that someone who lives them = someone who respects them as equals. It doesn’t. Men in love still see women as less, as a support human to the man. The man is still the head of the household. The woman should serve the family more.

I think it takes a long time for that penny to drop in most women.

@Chowtime either you’ve never been around an angry, volatile man or you are one. Your post is depraved and you just posted to upset people. The faux naivety when called out about it is very poor behaviour.

I once asked my mother (b. 1923) why she stayed with her abusive, drunkard husband comma who made my childhood and absolute misery. She said that there was a lot of talk on TV at the time about how it was essential to have a father figure.

I felt awful absolutely awful as an only child, to hear that she had stayed with him because of me.

It's been deleted. I also thought it was a disgusting thing to say about a victim of a horrific crime. Perhaps instead of doubling down you should reflect on your internalised misogyny.

@Chowtime sounds like an incel/mra

Women stay because they are conditioned to accept the shit situation. They might internalise misogyny too.

The biggest gift women can always give themselves is financial independence and being comfortable int heir own company

@Chowtime victim blaming is clearly offensive. I have reported it obviously. Doesn't make your post or views any less vile.

Some women would rather procreate with an arsehole than risk ending up childless.

You’re unsure if your post contemplating whether women subjected to sexual abuse stay because they love cock is an offensive thing to post? Really ?

Well this assume women never do anything wrong, I wonder what men complain about women and would post about?

I am female and am not better or worse than my husband, so it is wondered why women put up with crap but can men ask the same?

I am seriously starting to think that women are also sex obsessed, not just men.
If you think the post is offensive, and I can't decide whether it is or not, then ask for it to be removed and let mumsnet decide.

Socialisation and societal expectations. It's considered the norm and what's expected.
Girls are rewarded for being kind and putting everyone else first.
All the media they see growing up has mummy taking care of daddy. Cleaning adverts and products are aimed at women. Magazines run articles about how to keep house.
They see other women stuck as the main carer and assume this is the norm. Reinforced by older women who assume the female of the family is responsible for taking care of everyone and dealing with all the life admin like birthdays etc.
Men are excused poor behaviour with "boys will be boys". Mens incompetence is a joke and excused with "what are men like haha".
I've barely ever seen media aimed at men discussing what it takes to take care of a home or what their role would be in it.
It takes a strong person to kick back against that deluge of conditioning.

@Chowtime so by your reckoning, women are desperate for cock and stay in abusive relationships?
So women can only get sex in a relationship?
Men only have sex in a relationship?
Abuse is tolerated for sex?

I agree. Besides everything else that is wrong with that post, the equation of rape/ sex is completely inaccurate since rape is about power and not sex.