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AIBU?

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Why do so many women put up with crap?

89 replies

lifeiscomplicated2025 · 13/10/2024 08:38

Is it just me or is anyone else sick of stories of DH is not doing this or that then wondering why people put up with it?

OP posts:
CatsCuddles · 13/10/2024 13:44

Because being a single parent isn't easy? I didn't get a choice because he left me but if he didn't there is no way I would have chosen to be a single parent

GreyCarpet · 13/10/2024 13:38

I think it's because a lot of women genuinely don't realise or believe that there are men who are not like that and so assume that every woman is with this sort of man but just not talking or being honest about it.

That’s the sort of things my very sexist dad would say

The problem is that there are some women who perpetuate this line of thinking.

For example. When I moved out at 18, I didn't know how to use the washing machine. I'd never been allowed to and I'd never been shown. The laundry was my mother's domain and I was told I'd "only get it wrong".

My dad and she divorced, and she declared she'd 'never wash another man's dirty pants and socks again". Only, neither her second husband (who lived alone and was quite capable) nor her subsequent live in partner was permitted to do their own washing or cook for themselves.

She'd chide them with talk of silly men and how they couldn't he trusted, they had no idea how to use domestic appliances and couldn't to do it right on account of being men. She'd pick fault in the domestic chores they did do, criticise their perfectly adequate cooking and tell them off (like they were children) for not doing things 'properly'. Some of it she told me about and some of it I witnessed myself.

And there was always an air of, "Look at him! He's hopeless! Where/what would he be without me?!" about it all. When they weren't hopeless at all.

She didn't doubt their competencies when it came to changing the oil in her car or checking her tyre pressure (because, of course, she was a woman and women don't know how to do that sort of thing). Only when it came to domestic appliances.

My ex husband, my current partner and my previous exes have all don't things differently to me. Not badly or incorrectly, just differently. I don't assume a domestic superiority because I'm female but some women do.

Imbluedalale · 13/10/2024 13:26

ComingBackHome · 13/10/2024 13:24

@Imbluedalale I think many people on MN have no idea that, for some us, leaving can’t just happen and you somehow fall back onto your feet.
Illness for example is a huge barrier to leaving.

I really hope things will get brighter for you soon 🫂🫂

I’ve left . I’m homeless . I’ve lost my kids. It’s worse than I imagined it would be . It was easier putting up with all the crap than this . I don’t think I can get through this

ComingBackHome · 13/10/2024 13:24

@Imbluedalale I think many people on MN have no idea that, for some us, leaving can’t just happen and you somehow fall back onto your feet.
Illness for example is a huge barrier to leaving.

I really hope things will get brighter for you soon 🫂🫂

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/10/2024 13:23

PancakesForElephants · 13/10/2024 08:48

@Chowtime that is deeply deeply offensive especially in the context of the news story discussed.

Have you heard of the patriarchy at all? Women are at a massive power disadvantage to men, which limits their choices.

I didn't see the deleted message but interested in your last paragraph. Could you expand on that please?

Phineyj · 13/10/2024 13:23

@Anicecumberlandsausage your parents sound great! Good for you. Good for them!

Imbluedalale · 13/10/2024 13:20

Coolblur · 13/10/2024 13:03

It's easy to tell someone to leave, not so easy to do it. Relationships are complex and never start like that. It's often a slow build-up of low-key abusive behaviours that don't seem abusive, or are dismissed as one-offs, over a very long time. Also, people change, and things are rarely completely one-sided, which can make people question themselves.
Once you realise the situation you are in, it can seem impossible to extract yourself. You will worry about damaging your kids or others as well as fearing for your own safety, security and sanity. You'll even worry for your partner. Sometimes it can seem 'safer' to cling to what you know than take a huge leap of faith that things will be better if you leave. Add to that that you are the one living through it, not everyone else who say they'll support you, or critical strangers on MN.
Relationships are complex. Think yourself lucky that yoj don't understand why people don't leave abusive relationships, it probably means you've never felt truly experienced feeling trapped in one.

Thank you x

ComingBackHome · 13/10/2024 13:18

Missamyp · 13/10/2024 09:57

What a load of tripe.
Some women want everything done their way and to their schedule.
Then moan when it isn't.
Mumsnet is full of these complaints.
I don't have brothers I just like a clean home and an organised lifestyle. However I do not over fill my schedule like some do.

That’s the sort of things my very sexist dad would say

Imbluedalale · 13/10/2024 13:12

RobertaFirmino · 13/10/2024 13:00

Is there any way we can help you? Do you feel able to talk about things? Please do start your own thread because I can guarantee that someone here will have some useful advice for you.

I have my own thread ‘about to become homeless’ in relationships topic x

Coolblur · 13/10/2024 13:03

It's easy to tell someone to leave, not so easy to do it. Relationships are complex and never start like that. It's often a slow build-up of low-key abusive behaviours that don't seem abusive, or are dismissed as one-offs, over a very long time. Also, people change, and things are rarely completely one-sided, which can make people question themselves.
Once you realise the situation you are in, it can seem impossible to extract yourself. You will worry about damaging your kids or others as well as fearing for your own safety, security and sanity. You'll even worry for your partner. Sometimes it can seem 'safer' to cling to what you know than take a huge leap of faith that things will be better if you leave. Add to that that you are the one living through it, not everyone else who say they'll support you, or critical strangers on MN.
Relationships are complex. Think yourself lucky that yoj don't understand why people don't leave abusive relationships, it probably means you've never felt truly experienced feeling trapped in one.

RobertaFirmino · 13/10/2024 13:00

Imbluedalale · 13/10/2024 10:06

I ‘put up with it’ because it was the only choice I had . Now I’m questioning whether I should have just carried on putting up with it . I was somebody before I met my ex . Was with him 15 years . Most stupid thing I did was confide in him about stuff like my family , my body insecurities and my mental health . For many years those were used against me . I put up with it because I lost my job and I also had 3 children and I had nowhere to go . I put up with it because this year I got cancer and had 7 hospital admissions . But now Im no longer putting up with it . I’m sat in a hotel homeless without my children and it’s worse than I ever imagined . I should have carried on putting up with it and being a better person because if hell on earth existed then I’m in it right now

Is there any way we can help you? Do you feel able to talk about things? Please do start your own thread because I can guarantee that someone here will have some useful advice for you.

nutbrownhare15 · 13/10/2024 12:37

Some of these behaviours are likely to be abusive. This is something that will have crept up over time. There may have been promises to change or dismissal of her concerns. We know that abuse ramps up when women are particularly vulnerable, eg pregnant. And once they have children it is much more difficult for them to leave. Financial reasons are likely to be a big part of the answer in terms of difficulty of paying for two households and the woman's career likely to have not been given priority.

Nothatgingerpirate · 13/10/2024 12:24

Cheesecakecookie · 13/10/2024 12:13

I think these are two different but equally important questions - but linked.

Women are socially conditioned to tolerate bad behaviour from men.

As a result men know they can behave badly and get away with it. There is no incentive for men to change their behaviour - why would they ? They already have what they want - a good job (because someone else does the grunt work), someone who does everything at home and takes care of the kids for them.

If the woman doesn’t like it there’s plenty of others willing to tolerate it.

I personally truly believe that men will only collectively change their behaviour when it negatively impacts them - ie them women stop putting up with it as a whole.

Well said.
(Middle finger to men).

Cheesecakecookie · 13/10/2024 12:13

HRTQueen · 13/10/2024 09:36

Why not ask why are so many men treat women so badly

I always find these threads to be condescending and often smug

and the blame once again lies at the feet of women

I think these are two different but equally important questions - but linked.

Women are socially conditioned to tolerate bad behaviour from men.

As a result men know they can behave badly and get away with it. There is no incentive for men to change their behaviour - why would they ? They already have what they want - a good job (because someone else does the grunt work), someone who does everything at home and takes care of the kids for them.

If the woman doesn’t like it there’s plenty of others willing to tolerate it.

I personally truly believe that men will only collectively change their behaviour when it negatively impacts them - ie them women stop putting up with it as a whole.

mrlistersgelfbride · 13/10/2024 11:38

Kids, money, fear, unsupportive family.

Foxblue · 13/10/2024 11:22

Societal conditioning.
If you don't want to be in a relationship any more, that is enough. That's reason to leave.
But society teaches us all that you need a 'reason' that you need to have something 'bad enough' to leave.
You see threads on here about people giving up on relationships 'too easy these days' and blaming social media and it makes me furious. If you no longer wish to consent to an intimate relationship, for any reason or no reason at all, then that's enough. You don't owe anyone your continued consent to a relationship. But people get told 'you need to try for the kids sake' it helps no child for their parent to be embroiled in an intimate relationship they no longer want to be in.
Plus, people think people give up relationships 'at a drop of a hat' - maybe they just haven't advertised to you how unhappy they were? Maybe they havnt divulged the innermost secrets of their relationship to bystanders, friends or family? Some people see it as between them and their partner and noone else, and it's incredibly fucking hurtful to be so unhappy you'll tear your world apart and have people go 'are you sure?' No, I just woke up one day and decided I fancied the turmoil for the sake of it.

DreadPirateRobots · 13/10/2024 10:15

I know exactly why my friends with shit husbands don't leave.

They didn't anticipate how much having kids would create inequalities. They earn less, because they've had to deprioritise work because he doesn't do shit and they aren't willing to let the children suffer. They can split and get significantly poorer and still be doing it all and see their kids part-time and put them through the trauma of divorce, or they can suck it up and stay. Not a difficult choice.

BabyCloud · 13/10/2024 10:11

I was fairly naive to it until I joined MN.
There is multiple stories a day about women who have given men their absolute everything for decades only to be discarded and left with nothing.
It is unbelievable but it made me very quickly realise how important it is as a woman to make sure you have your own life and independence.

Itsmychristmasdress · 13/10/2024 10:10

Because if you leave where the fuck do you go? Not everyone has family that can help them. I'm not making my children homeless because I am unhappy.
I hate these threads. Bully for you op. You don't know other people's stories. You don't know what kind of life they have had.

CharSiu · 13/10/2024 10:08

Societal conditioning, economic viability, desperation for children.

Imbluedalale · 13/10/2024 10:06

lifeiscomplicated2025 · 13/10/2024 08:38

Is it just me or is anyone else sick of stories of DH is not doing this or that then wondering why people put up with it?

I ‘put up with it’ because it was the only choice I had . Now I’m questioning whether I should have just carried on putting up with it . I was somebody before I met my ex . Was with him 15 years . Most stupid thing I did was confide in him about stuff like my family , my body insecurities and my mental health . For many years those were used against me . I put up with it because I lost my job and I also had 3 children and I had nowhere to go . I put up with it because this year I got cancer and had 7 hospital admissions . But now Im no longer putting up with it . I’m sat in a hotel homeless without my children and it’s worse than I ever imagined . I should have carried on putting up with it and being a better person because if hell on earth existed then I’m in it right now

Nothatgingerpirate · 13/10/2024 10:05

Parents of these women are to blame in many cases.
"Societal expectations". They could always go to fuck, as far as I was concerned.
Never had children, married to make my life better.
Not gloating, where I come from, expectations for women were extremely low. (Former Communist country, abusive parents).
I found my anger as a 13 yo kid.

AlertCat · 13/10/2024 09:59

Missamyp · 13/10/2024 09:57

What a load of tripe.
Some women want everything done their way and to their schedule.
Then moan when it isn't.
Mumsnet is full of these complaints.
I don't have brothers I just like a clean home and an organised lifestyle. However I do not over fill my schedule like some do.

There is actually evidence that male and female socialisation is very different. Just because your life runs the way you want it doesn’t mean that that idea is “tripe”. What a ridiculous comment!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 13/10/2024 09:59

If they were shit all the time it would be a lot harder to stay. The cycle of abuse includes times where the abusive partner is everything you could dream of, affectionate, loving, attentive, makes promises of change, apologises and (sometimes) takes responsibility for the crap in the relationship (well mine certainly did), promising to get therapy and declaring undying love. Saying that yours is the best relationship of anyone he knows, telling you all the shit things his friends/brothers do that their wives don’t even know about, better the devil you know and all that.

Women in shitty/abusive relationships are masters of optimism and hope. You live for the hope of the good times coming back, chasing the high like an addict. In fact I usually say on threads where someone claims to love a shitty man, that’s not love it’s addiction.

Do you also go onto the alcohol support board and ask why people keep drinking? People don’t always make rational and sensible decisions, but even when they have used their head and not their heart they will be up against rising cost of living, the practicalities of childcare, having to negotiate with an angry arsehole re the above, watching someone they care about move on and start new relationships, having to consider dating (which btw is fucking awful in this day and age!) themselves.

Missamyp · 13/10/2024 09:57

AlertCat · 13/10/2024 08:47

Socialisation starts very early and it’s incredibly hard to see it happening to you, much harder to react against it. Girls brought up looking after their brothers, even older brothers; girls brought up complimented on their looks rather than any skills they have (other than being kind and helpful); girls brought up with a higher expectation of helping with domestic chores than boys are… loads of things, often very insidious things. Creates a lot of women who think they must be being unreasonable if they’re not doing 90% of everything, simply because their male partners are better at saying no to stuff.

What a load of tripe.
Some women want everything done their way and to their schedule.
Then moan when it isn't.
Mumsnet is full of these complaints.
I don't have brothers I just like a clean home and an organised lifestyle. However I do not over fill my schedule like some do.