AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

The mum who was constantly in her bag, did her child finish each item she gave them?

I had a friend who was constantly giving food and child would eat 2 crisps and leve the bag or one bite and leave the donut.

This annoyed me way more than the constant stream of food but I'm northern and cheap so don't like waste.

I think you did right by saying nope to yet another ‚treat‘! And those who were taken aback are probably trapped into having to give more ‚treats‘ to avoid tantrums…

I also agree with a pp who said about wasting money on absolute rubbish loaded with sugar thats highly addictive and in the end is not a ,treat‘ for kids at all. Nutrition is being talked about all over the place nowadays and a lot of what we thought about these harmless sweet ‚treats‘ is not true they have a huge impact on health.
Perhaps you are more aware of just how bad these foods are.

The focus of a playdate should be on the activity and the friends to play with… but i suppose if the parents are also eating a steady stream of lollipops, donuts and crisps the kids will think this is normal.

I think being too restrictive can have a negative impact in the future but you absolutely aren‘t as she was allowed some of what was on offer.

In the end you should parent how you want to!

You are not wrong. They are not wrong. We all do parenting differently and our kids all have their moments.

Unless their kids are severely overweight, have a very poor day-to-day diet or are generally very poorly behaved, then I'm assuming that you think your friends are adequate parents in general even if you're not necessarily aligned with them on their approach to days out. And I'm assuming that they think you're a perfectly good parent despite your DC having the occasional tantrum and you maybe making a fuss over things they would let go. So you're all ok parents, you just have different approaches on different issues and that's fine.

Personally I only do days out with friends where we have a fairly similar approach and we tend to agree the plan in advance. For example, we might all bring some snacks to share and then get an ice cream in the afternoon. If they're more restrictive than I am towards treats, then usually I say to my DC, "sorry we can't have an ice cream unless our friends are having one ". DC is normally happy with that as they know they'll get one later and they know that it's somewhat tasteless to eat treats in front of others who can't have them. If the friends are more indulgent, I normally let my DC have what the other children are having, but we wouldn't do frequent days out with them so the nutritional side wouldn't really matter.

It’s better to combine playdates with lunch where possible otherwise they will just gorge on shit.

I agree that everything is fine in moderation.

OP seems to have a fixation on judging and being judged, she had said that this probably stems from her childhood and has obviously given that some consideration separate from this thread (she mentions talking to her sister about it).

So take the term "judging" out of the equation and what you have is a mum who is admitting that she struggled with her daughters behaviour, has looked at the day and one of the triggers seems to have been her friends getting lots of treats. Now she's asking for other people's experiences of this and how they moved forward.

I understand why you think she had enough treats because it was more than enough but she may grow up to see it as restrictive and have issues once she has the freedom to decide for herself.

It's also full of parents thinking they're choices are better than they actually are.

You are right but Mnet is full of women who are these awful parents.

You're basing it on one snapshot.
We could perhaps write another narrative if we based the story around healthy lunch choices, and your daughter's s might be the worst in that scenario.

I think that you have clear expectations of your parenting, based on experiences you had and don’t want to pass on to your daughter.

It is very hard for children to see others being given what they want. It could just as easily have been toys or clothes or whatever. You set boundaries, based on what you feel is best, but you can’t legislate for what others do and there will be times when you and she butt heads over it.

Having discussions and setting out expectations when things are calm, as has been suggested, may avoid some of the knee jerk responses.

You are right to want her to have healthy eating habits. That doesn’t mean no unhealthy foods ever, but it does mean that they aren’t the norm, or used to placate.

Subway is fine in moderation.
Sweet foods are fine in moderation.
Neither are good choices from which to judge others, which is what OP continues to do. 🤐

Yep! This is why I asked if OP’s DD was her first child, because the teenage years are going to be a long and rocky road for OP if having a different boundaries to other parents is causing this much distress.

She's getting to the challenging years where she'll realise she's independent to you and really can do what she wants. Tricky years ahead!

I'm with you on the lack of upholding boundaries.

Your dd was absolutely right to say excuse me and clearly. She has as much right to walk down that part as the other person.however I wouldn't expect them to move out of the way for dd to stand where they were.

I agree about ridiculous amount of snacks but for 1 day I'd have let it go.

It's always very hard to parent when you are one with the stricter boundaries. I'm that parent with firm boundaries because I work in education and see the effect of not having them.

Maybe I'm reading differently, OP seems to be taking some things on board and others less so. I assume this is based on some comments ringing true and some not. She has acknowledged a number of areas for reflection and admitted to not being perfect in her responses.

Is the hypocrisy you mention the subway thing? I'm personally glad the thread didn't descend into a debate on the ills of subway. Yes, the bread is cake. I'm sure that was already on OP mind when she was managing the rest of the day.

You really do rate yourself don't you.

maybe unlike your DD their kids just watch a movie without needing snacks? ...better to have them during the day than before bed!

maybe they don't have the 'treats/snacks' your DD has other days.

hang out with like minded people, there are plenty of people that don't let their kids have constant snacks.

That's the right attitude. You can't do anything about them. Stop worrying about their kids.

You're still not acknowledging that you also fed your child junk food, in the guise of 'lunch'?

But it was one day and you have no idea what their lives are actually like. DS was at a party recently and I let him have lots of cake and chocolate because it was a party and I knew he would get upset if I said no to more than just the birthday cake (he’s 3). An outsider will probably think I have no boundaries and he has an unhealthy diet. But in reality, he has one mini chocolate bar which he spreads out over the course of the week, and I’m more firm on boundaries. He understood it was a party and a treat and it hasn’t caused us any issues since.

You are being judgemental and very short sighted to judge them on just one day out.

This is a fantastic point, particularly the last sentence. I remember vividly, many years ago now, when I was out with my older two, who would have been about 5 and 3. They were both upset and crying about something. I'd soothed and reassured as far as I could. A woman came towards me and hissed 'both children crying - we know what kind of mother you are!' Some people act out the difficult feelings that arise when a child is distressed - and for many, many people, for many, many reasons, a child's distress is a 'trigger' of sorts - by directing the 'blame' at the parent, usually the mother. I think we do all act in anticipation of that judgement sometimes. It's not making that your primary consideration that's the difficult - but important - bit (and something which many people don't master).