AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

Don't go out with your friends, you clearly don't like them much. My kids are older but at that age I'd let them have an extra treat if their friends were.
The shop thing wtf? If your daughter had screamed get out of my way now then I'd expect you to talk to her but she said excuse me which is perfectly acceptable and what I would say if I wanted to get past someone. Was she supposed to stand there for 10 minutes waiting?
I'm sorry but you don't have the right to judge your friends parenting. Just do you but personally I'd go a bit easier on your daughter especially when she's being polite.

Feeding your daughter Subway for lunch is slightly at odds with the idea that you're 'better' at food than others. That you're average (i.e. on par with most parents who feed their children healthily most of the time whilst also allowing treats) is more likely. Being average in this scenario isn't a criticism btw, a balanced approached works best for most people.

Why? Most kids have occasional upsets due to difficulty managing emotions, hormone surges, tiredness or overwhelm, sensory overload etc. Very few behave perfectly all the time.

I wanna see a 9 year old who is the only one who doesnt get sweets, gifts etc. in a day out with friends and doesnt complain that its unfair.

Trust me its not fun to constantly be the fun police either, but unless you wanna distance yourself from the constant yes sayers it just sucks sometimes. I cant really distance myself, because its family. My kids are 8 and 10 now and they understand very well, that their cousins get everything and they wont. But believe me, this took many tantrums on days out.

I agree OP. I actually have started to distance myself from a friend who I adore because every time we do a playdate she brings chocolate, ice cream or some other sort of junk food which my DD can't have. Also her playdates, if at her house, just involve putting the TV on even though they have loads of toys. It's a shame because she is truly lovely but I don't want to raise my child like that and it's just upsetting for my child to always be told no. Much easier to hang out with families that have similar values.

I was at a bday party yesterday and I felt bad for another mum. Her DD wanted a chocolate from her party bag and was told she had to save it for later, she then started crying and her mum walked away (just a few meters) to make a point. Fair enough imo. But of course soon enough other mums start fussing over the girl trying to cheer her up so her DM had to come back and pander to her by distracting her with games rather than just letting her learn to accept being told no (tbf she did hold the line on 'no more chocolate' although she got somewhat defensive about it).

Anyway you've clearly hit a nerve as people are simultaneously berating you for not allowing your kid to have all the sugar, and also for allowing your kid to have subway!

"Most people have chronic illnesses from their 40s." I am not sure that this is true....further, not all chronic illnesses are caused by bad diet.

I am one of those parents who is quite strict with junk food. My child is treated in other ways and we are a very active family. We always set the expectation and when we do allow treats, it’s actually appreciated as a treat should be.

My daughter never has, and hopefully will never, tantrum because she can’t have something her friends have got. Going out with other families is easy because I’m not comparing myself to other parents and DD is already prepared she won’t always get the same as those around us. However, if she was to have a meltdown, I probably would project onto other parents and blame their choices. If you solve the tantrum/expectation issue you probably won’t even care about what others do.

How can saying excuse me please be raising her voice? That's a perfectly normal thing to say

Ah, I'm sorry it escalated to that and so quickly.

Have a chat with her to remind her of the boundaries and explain to her that this new development is not acceptable, and go back to reinforcing those boundaries.

It may also be worth stepping back from this group of friends for a while as your parenting styles are at odds, and it must be exhausting trying to manage all that.

I hope things get back in order soon 💐.

I myself have had a junk food addiction in the past in my teenage years.
there we have it, you have an issue with food which you're now passing on to your DD.
Can you not see that your own parents controlled treats and likely led to your junk food eating?
You seem very focused on food, relax it was a day out, your DD is going to have issues when everything revolves spring what she's allowed to eat.

I would assume there’s something else going on for a 9yo to have a meltdown about a snack.

I’d be judging the massive meltdown from your 9yo because you told her no.

I think all you can do is gove dd a firm firm warning before going out what your boundaries are e.g. one treat food, no gift shop purchase and make it crystal clear that while her friends may get and behave in a certain way, under bo circumstances do you want to see that behaviour from her and should she start pushing boundaries at the day out, then you'll need to stop going out with friends because it's obviously not fair for either of you to be put in that position.

Explain that there are boundaries for areason and it spoils everyone's day if you have to constantly be the fun police and you wont be signing up for that privilege and make it clear that the ball is in her court. Yes, it sucks, you can acknowledge that. But this is a prime example of life not being fair.

You've not said anything conclusive to suggest that you actually have higher standards though, you just think you do.

I think the practical answer to this is that joint days out aren't the right place for these sorts of battles, and if the cost/quantity of available treats is such that it's likely to cause issues, then the best thing is to agree a common approach in advance or give the whole thing a miss. I don't agree with treating children differently on days out - for the purpose of the trip, a group of children are essentially a "family" and the kids naturally regard it as unfair if they don't get the same thing.

I think 16 is possibly not realistic regarding the phone. DS had a phone much later than most of his friends, but was closer to 14. We must remember that phones are part of modern life, teaching how to use them safely is key.

I know what you mean. My brothers kids get everything all the time and we spend time with them several times a week cuz we are godparents to each others kids.
Every time we are out: ice creams, sweets, crisps, a gift from the (zoo) shop or 2 if they cant decide. The tooth fairy doesnt bring 5€, she brings 20 and a small gift and a big gift and a bag of sweets 🤦🏻‍♀️
Different families have different rules. And im usually a little bit more lenient with my kids when out with their cousins.
Actually now at age 8-10 i just offer to take out the kids alone, then i can say no to all of them 😄

The nutrition information regarding Subway is widely available. It's essentially fast food marketed as something better. It's ok as a one off, as are lots of processed snack foods.

It’s good to say excuse me, not so good to shout it at the top of your voice and expect the person to move immediately, that’s just impatience not good manners.It is good parenting to let your child know this and that’s not teaching someone to be a doormat, it’s teaching observation, OP has further explanation the person was an elderly man Just because someone says excuse me doesn’t mean the person isn’t being rude.The daughter is 9 years old not a baby, old enough to understand, yes sometimes you do need to wait a minute, to give someone a chance to move.

She is definitely judging others to higher standards than herself. That's not nice to be around tbh.