AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

Neither are ideal.
Both are a snapshot.

Eh?
Keep judging others on a snapshot while thinking unhealthy food is actually healthy?

You think a subway and cookie is worse then 2 donuts, crisps and an ice cream?

Yes, Subway isn't the healthiest but at least it has salad in. Also OP thought it would be a treat to have Subway she didn't account for all the extras later in the day.

Are you missing the existing 10 or so comments addressing this?

The fact that the OP appears to be in the minority on this thread is quite eye opening and might go some way towards explaining why so many children are badly behaved in public in the UK.

Please stick with your approach OP, however recognising it is difficult. Don't stoop in a race to the bottom.

You will have your reward in a sense when your DD is a teenager and beyond, if nothing else.

Yabu to expect that others will not have different tolerance levels to you. All of us have to decide what snacks/ treats our child has in the context of their day and to say yes/ no as we feel it's appropriate. I wouldn't be expecting a 9 year old to throw a tantrum over that at all. The other parents choice to kindly share treats and to go out together for something after isn't a bad decision on their part. In fact I'd argue that if I knew my child was going out and likely to have treats with friends I wouldn't be giving them subway for lunch beforehand so they could have their treats while they were out. They may have given their child healthy food all day to allow for the treats to happen at that moment in time. Or perhaps they just have a different treat threshold to you.

I also see nothing wrong with someone giving your child encouragement for saying excuse me, I don't really see how that undermines you. You were teaching her to wait but at the same time it's good manners that she said it in the first place. I actually see that comment as backing you up.

In terms of the witch comment my guess is that mum was picking her battles and may have had a conversation about it when they left your group. As a mother that's her call on how to handle that.

You sound super judgemental. I parent my child how I see fit and I respect others right to do the same. I also think there are certain scenarios where I'm more likely to let things slide a bit than others. Eg if we're at a party ds will have cake and ice cream. On an average day he only gets sugar from fruit and I'm strict on that. You're only seeing a snapshot of your friends parenting just as they only see a snapshot of yours.

This

Banning/not allowing/restricting arent teaching her how to handle things herself, how to moderate her own behaviour, how to recognise what is enough it is leading down a pathway

that said is there any ND going on yiu say she can’t read social cues

Indeed. Phone at 16 will be doing her no favours. My older two had smartphones, with moderate controls and a lot of oversight on our part, from 12ish. We moved gradually, but reasonably quickly, to self-regulation wrt screen time. They're 19 and 17 now and admittedly on their phones/screens a lot, but have always maintained 'outside' interests and friendships (one is a volunteer firefighter and the other a gym regular and very talented cook who's heavily involved in a church group and plays percussion in the school band) and taken school/education seriously. They're also pretty savvy and critical of the online world.

The fact OP doesn’t think it’s ok for her child to have limitless amounts of junk food and will step in when she can see her daughter isn’t behaving, does show she has got higher standards.
Everyone has their own ways of parenting, when in a group setting it is ok, to say you don’t agree, due to, its involving your child.

Why give the treat early hold it back next time and limit the crap with a healthy lunch or home made picnic subway is no better than any fast food the bread is full of sugar for a start.

She keeps saying she has high standards but also admitted she thought Subway was a good choice.
Subway is fine in moderation.
Donuts and crisps are fine in moderation.
We have no idea what the other parents feed their kids at times other than the day out, but it might be just as healthy or even healthier than OP. She's judging on a snapshot of a day out, which really tells us very little.

I was once friends with a mother like you, thankfully we are no longer friends. Not because I fell out with her, but she fell out with me for being too kind and generous, how about that for you? That is the crazy shit no one talks to you about before having children, that that is actually a "thing"

Just add about your no smart phones until she's 16 comment. That's just ignorant parenting - she's going to be too old at that point for you to have the relevant safety features on it and she'll suddenly have a whole new world opened up to her that you have not showed her how to navigate. She'll also end up missing out on socials etc as she will not know about them. Not having a phone can seriously impact a teenagers friendship.

Tantrums are fine the odd bit is that at 9 she still thinks it works what's she getting from the tantrum? Attention, seeing you embarrassed? How are you dealing with it?

To be fair the OP doesn’t seem surprised at all to have her own choices critiqued and has said she accepts that while she has high standards for her child’s diet, there are other areas of her parenting that are less than ideal.

You need a ready strategy, OP. I used to meet my friend & her DC at the park or even my house & she'd turn up (late) with Macca's for them all as she cba making her DC a sandwich. My two had to watch them eat it. Then she'd order pizza to be delivered for dinner, and talk about it loudly.

My DC would ask why they couldn't have all that junk.... I just said families did things differently. We chose a healthy diet & to spend money on holidays, not take away. I didn't comment on friend's choices, only on why we made our own.

I’ve had similar in the past, OP. My DC go crazy if they have too much sugar, so we’ve always limited it. They’ve learnt that no means no and they know why we will say no to sweets even if their friends have them.
Same with buying random stuff - we turned up to a group trip to the theatre once. Friends were already there and the other kids had already all been bought a soft toy. DC naturally asked for one and I said no. The other parents looked at me like I was mad, but my DC have too many soft toys already and this wasn’t even a beloved show we were going to watch! This happened regularly on days out and there was one child in particular who would always be given over and above what anyone else would. DC came to recognise that “X gets whatever they want” and that it was too much.
I’m not afraid to say no to my DC, but clearly many parents are.

I'm merely asking OP to stop assuming superiority, which she continued to do.
OP started a thread criticising others, yet is surprised to hear some critique of her choices.

I would he careful about how your labelling certain food choices as treats and junk food. Some of my friends have had massive problems eating too much sugar and UP foods as their parents were so strict with them as kids. A few of them have bad relationships with food as they were never taught to regulate there cravings. My DD8 would have been allowed to have as many 'Treats' as she wanted on a similar day out with friends but she probably would have stopped after the chocolate lolly and asked for a banana or something none sweet if she was still hungry.

I've tried to teach her it's about balance and she will often choose fruit and breadsticks over sweets and crisps (at home). Both options are available to her and it's good to see her making positive choices.

Yet you have made repeated demands and comments from OP to justify her parenting to you.

OP, I would ignore this thread now. It's the usual vultures out who are just keen to tear people apart and acknowledging them just fuels them..

As a teacher, I have seen first hand the impact too much junk food. Every year the amount of kids considered overweight or obese in year 6 is creeping up. The same for the amount of kids returning with 'urgent dental care required' slips in every single year group. So I'm not surprised by the apologists on here, the exact same excuses we hear from the parents when we have to raise it with them. It's poor parenting and yes I would absolutely judge anyone who ate that amount of food in that small a time frame as it's pure gluttony and a bad habit to teach kids.

You have proven you are very reasonable and reflected on your own choices and what you could do better. Although I fail to see how letting your child to have a subway sandwich and a cookie is comparable to the amount of junk the others hand. I thought it was a good example of moderation. Either way the majority of the people commenting are way more judgemental than you and nowhere near as reasonable so I would stop engaging with those posters.

We don't know OP is making healthier food choices, based on this one snapshot.

I’ve had friends like this. I do exactly as the OP does and tell my 7yo DS that no, he can’t have more just because everyone else is. He doesn’t meltdown about it and certainly doesn’t behave as the OP’s daughter did, demanding that I give it to him and pulling on my bag. And he has complex special needs that mean he attends a special school. But he understands that he can’t always have what he wants.

For the record though I do agree with the OP that the amount of crap being fed to kids is a disgrace and what used to be a ‘treat’ has now become a regular thing. That was a really unnecessary amount of food for one afternoon at the park!

I fail to understand how making healthier food choices is judging people to a higher standard.

The impact those foods have later on in life is clear for all to see. Especially in the teen years when they can decide themselves, you want them to realise spending money on that crap is wasting it.

But again if at home cupboards are rammed full with ‚treats‘ and when you‘re out and about the ‚treats‘ come too how do kids learn moderation?

hmm i have a 15yr so the smartphone thing will be tricky to navigate but the later they get online the better in my opinion