AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

I think you just have to explain to her that sugar is a killer but most parents don't realise that.

There is nothing else you can do except ensure that you have healthy snacks for her.

I really wouldn't bother arguing on here.

So many people think that treat after treat is acceptable, when it should be once a week, not once an hour.

You are doing the right thing, unfortunately most parents don't realise what a killer sugar is and act accordingly.

I would have a tantrum too if all my friends were eating extra treats and I was only allowed bread or fruit!

I think it’s great that you don’t want her constantly eating junk and having rules to follow.

But you are micromanaging her way to much.

What is the worst thing that’s going to happen if she eats a few more treats than normal one day?
She’s not going to get fat or diabetes from the odd day of eating junk.

Back off and let her breathe.
She had a tantrum because you’re on her too much and it gets overwhelming.

If you had let her have the extra treat, then nothing bad would have happened and she wouldn’t feel left out in front of all of her friends and won’t feel anger towards you for embarrassing her in front of her friends and their parents.

Then when you remind her about things like being patient in shops, she is going to take it in and actually listen to you because you’re not just constantly telling her what she can’t do.

She is at the age where she needs a bit more independence.
If you control her too much, then she is going to be a heller in her teenage years.

I mean I wouldn’t mix with them. Sounds like diabetes in the making. I’d be explaining to my child that it will make them ill to eat so badly and that what they’re eating isn’t real food. She’s old enough to understand. I would look for new groups and encourage the healthy habits you believe in!! Good luck x

Funny how people can say the daughter didn't shout when OP has said she did.

I've seen kids like this, especially around sweets and well done OP for teaching her manners.
Girl or boy, if a child is being rude, as a parent, you correct them.

Treat wise, you talk to them at home and explain how others might have lots from their parents, but she can only have x amount.
Repeat before you get in and remind her again if needed.

I remember a three year old on a playdate who when offered sweets, said they're only allowed 2.

Parent had dropped and left but clearly had instilled boundaries with her kids from an early age.

I realise this is not the norm of course but is doable.

Some people are better at some aspects of parenting than others and children are all challenging in different ways. It does sound like a lot of snacks, but the issue really is your dd needs to learn that your boundaries are the ones that count. Throwing tantrums get you nowhere in this house, saying please might earn you an extra doughnut!

Surely anyone with common sense would have foreseen that there might be treats at a play date and therefore planned around that. Either by not giving a very high calorie treat before, or by accepting DD would have extra treats that day and it isn't the end of the world.

Giving her the subway beforehand was a pretty stupid choice. If you hadn't done that then she either could have had treats with her friends with no drama or if there were no treats you could have given her the subway lunch another time.

None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. As a parent you and your parenting style is always critiqued by others whether openly or not and parents take advice from different people - which is sometimes irrelevant as what is easy for some, is not easy for others. But then a lot is nurture not nature and you are right to try and do your best for your child.

I see your problem, but sadly this will be an issue that rinses and repeats as your child grows, it might be food now, but it will be comparing bedtime. clothing, activities, gifts etc to what others get.

You raise your child how you think is best, set expectations with your friends before you go out about snacks or specific issues in a tactful way and the same with your child.

As a child I was not allowed fizzy pop and if I was going to a party where there was pop, the parent was advised nicely beforehand that I wasn't allowed it (elder sisters teeth were terrible due to fruit juice and fizzy pop) . When I told my mum that all my friends had it, her answer was, "well that's up to their Mum and Dad but maybe their parents don't love them as much as I love you and want to keep you healthy and safe." My mum learnt from her mistakes (not that I am confident the dentist was right about my sister but....) I still had a paddy but you couldn't really argue with that and the message was that it was done for love.

Your thread is interesting. I collected my 5 year old from school and in case she came out hungry I had a mini malt loaf in my bag ( not a good idea on reflection). I didn’t offer it and she didn’t say she was hungry and we would be home in about 20 mins. However, children of all ages were being offered snacks, some the giant share bag sized crisps. On the way home a neighbour gave her daughter and my granddaughter a drink in a plastic pouch. Kind, but not needed and the more you set these routines the more of a habit they become and we have serious problems with overweight people and the health issues they cause. I think you need clear ideas of treat times and when none treat food is the norm. You shouldn’t imo stop your daughter from having more or less what the other children have but you can help her to make choices for herself.

Quite. And overweight or obese by the end of year 6. I wonder whether this thread had gone any differently if the OP hadn't been out with a friend but with an indulging mother-in-law instead.

No.Are you?
I’ve read all the updates thank you and l still don’t think OP is being unreasonable.
She’s been answering all the questions, hasn’t been arguing, is not saying she’s perfect.

I was ready to say YABU - but you’re not at all. That is far too much junk the other parent was offering. No wonder we’re a nation of fatties.

Not only might it explain why kids are badly behaved but also why so many have problems with weight and bad teeth.

I don't really care what other people do with their kids as long as it doesn't affect me but I'm happy to admit I judge parents who regularly give their kids too much junk food. It's lazy parenting just like letting kids have screen time for too long.

I'm not sure how you're out there judging other parents when your 9YO had a full on meltdown/temper tantrum over not getting her own way. Pot? Kettle?

Those other poor parents/children had to put up with this tantrum from a child definitely old enough to know better, your constant disapproving glares and your pointless correction over a non-event in a shop. Yours wasn't a perfect example of parenting by any stretch.

The thing is, other parents don't exist to make your parenting easier.

A massive part of parenting is teaching your child what your boundaries are.

For example, your boundaries are way different to mine because if my 9 year old called me an evil witch, they'd be taken home immediately, not given a 'final warning'.

You just carry on parenting yours and be careful about those judgy knickers you wear.

They may end up strangling you in the future, when you're not coping with the teenage years and others are breezing through.

You are so right. I didn't like giving my boys fizzy sugary drinks when they were wee. Now my oldest adult son is addicted to Monster drinks.
🙄

Subway isn't my first thought if a healthy meal but if you choose carefully it's not bad and a lot better than donuts. I think You can get whole meal bread and you can get wraps.

No her thread wasn't about criticising the other parents, she wanted advice on how she could handle it better. How was she meant to explain the situation without detailing what happened?
The daughter not being allowed junk food and the other being allowed it was a major part of what happened. And if she didn't explain it and then later did she would be slated for drip feeding!

This is a situation I have found myself in as a teacher frequently and increasingly as a parent now my toddler is becoming more aware and engaging with others. No matter how clear we make it on trip letter, to the class with a app messages we still have a few kids who arrive on a trip with a load of junk food. And the inevitable reaction from others is, 'why are they allowed it but not me?'

OP was asking how to negotiate this, doesn't mean she considers herself superior or a better parent. People are actually making their own judgements when coming to that conclusion.

Yanbu at all OP, stick to your guns.

In these situations, when we got home, my DC got lessons on nutrition and what sugar does to your body. The tantrums soon stopped.

The "friend" that contradicted you in the shop would have really annoyed me, regardless of who was right or wrong.

I wouldn't be looking to spend time around them tbh, find some less invasive less judgy (staring) friends with a better idea of how to feed their DC.