AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

I’ve just said l’m not playing whatever game this is.It’s quite interesting though, only a couple of other posters have called out this person, who has just been relentless throughout the thread, going after posters, by always quoting, what’s been said, because they have a difference of opinion or rather is trying to derail the thread
Leave me out of the head banging🙄

For goodness sake you pair. Give it a rest before I bang your heads together! 😂🙄

'friends and their 9-year-old DCs'

how many friends was there, and how many children ?

as this was a very large bag of donuts that one person had.

I wouldn’t have thought it was great to give them all that, no, I might have said ‘you’ll spoil your dinner’, I did also worry about their teeth. I’m going to sound judgy now but I would never have given Subway for lunch, thats junk food. I agree with another poster that said don’t substitute junk at proper mealtimes and don’t make sugary foods ‘treats’

My thoughts exactly. So many parents are completely unaware of the dangers of smartphones to the developing brains of our children.

It’s clear you’re trying very hard to derail the thread and deflect.If that’s what you want to do, that’s up to you, l’ve got a life, l’m not interested.I’m not playing whatever game this is.

When my DD was that age she and her sibling went to back to back afterschool dance classes where parents wound up waiting around together for quite a time whilst the different classes were on. It was a nice time to socialise for the kids and the mums but I did feel uncomfortable with the volume of crisps, sweets and cake/ biscuits that some people brought to share. I am not really a snacking person and I never saw the need to eg bring snacks to school pick up so it was weird to me as I would have brought nothing at all or just a drink if it was solely up to me but I didn't want to be rude or isolate DD from her peers.

In the end the way I managed it was 'if you can't beat em join em' so I just brought our own more healthy snacks to share which were actually surprisingly popular and that reduced the desire to consume the more unhealthy stuff. I would bring stuff like lots of different fruit, crackers and cheese, veg dippers and hummus and honestly lots of the kids seemed to love it. Then if mine didn't want to eat much dinner that day I felt as though they'd had something fairly decent anyway and I was less fussed about them also having crisps.

You can't change other people's behaviour so the only other options I felt were to stop going to the class, which would be a shame as they loved it, or to ban her from eating the stuff which one of the other mums did but she was seen as a bit of a weirdo and a killjoy I'm afraid.

We are long past all that now as they are teenagers and make their own choices and largely these are fairly decent ones.

So with this approach are you going to start slowly introducing alcohol at 13 so they can learn to drink responsibly before they turn 18? When they can then do what they want and pay for it themselves with their weekend job so you can't stop them? Or do you understand that some substances and things are harmful to developing bodies and should be kept away from them until they are old enough to handle them?

Smart phones are harmful to children's development and social media is dangerous to developing teens. They should be kept away from it until they are old enough to learn to use them safely.

I think it's really poor parenting when you see 14 year old girls on social media who then get depressed because they can't live up to all the fake imagery they see on there and get themselves into risky situations by talking to strangers because they aren't old enough to properly understand the dangers even if it is explained to them.

You didn't need to make any of your snide comments to me, yet here we still are.

YANBU - your friends’ children sound like spoilt monsters.

Not allowing your dd a phone until she is 16 is just repeating the issues you are having with the snacks.
When do you propose you teach her about internet safety, how are you going to have a parental lock on the phone when she is probably going to have at least a Saturday job and can pay for the phone herself.

There is no teaching going on just the words No or Not allowed and there isn’t any practical solutions

There is also a lot of criticising and judging and a lot of hypocrisy and mixed messages

You aren’t teaching your child anything. You aren’t allowing her autonomy to get to the stage where she can listen to her own body and make choices without criticism.

If you know you are going to be out and the other parent is constantly feeding their child snacks, why not make your own “ snacks”

Make flapjacks or cookies that appeal to the other children as well. Get your dd involved with the process. Then when your dd and the other children get used to your home made snacks start to very slowly reduce the sugar in them by a tiny amount every few weeks until they either notice the difference or you get to a point you are comfortable with the amount of sugar they are made with.
You can then monitor the amount of sugar going in. Have a fruit smoothie, water, chocolate croissants etc in your bag as well as fruit that won’t go off or mushy like grapes and some berries etc

Be practical and more focussed on what you can teach your Dd. Just saying No and expecting your dd to learn is never going to work.

Different strokes for different folks, I don't limit food types and don't label things as junk etc. makes it too alluring. My kids prefer fruit over pretty much anything, the only groans I ever get about food is if I've forgotten to pick up blueberries. Maybe I'm just lucky, who knows?

I'm thin and active now but have suffered with eating disorders my whole adult life. When I'm stressed, I have to work very hard not to turn to food. I will not allow the same with my children.

I had treats limited as a child (had practically zero because treats in the 80s were expensive and we were poor).

I was very slim all my life and now (in my 40s) I'm average size.

I’ll always give my opinion, understanding it’s not just my opinion that matters.
l don’t need to resort to, the comment you’ve just made.

I had 'treats' limited as a child and I quickly became obese as a teenager as I used to hide snacks and eat in secret. Turned to food for comfort completely and I am sure it is because getting a chocolate bar as a 'special treat' gave me some endorphin boost.

Not all chronic illnesses are caused by lifestyle but many are, especially the large increase in diabetes, heart disease etc we are seeing in the population now.

I have endometriosis, obviously not my fault but I still don't feel the need to go round shouting ableist! At people who see the decline in public health due to lifestyle and correctly call it out. The NHS is buckling under the weight of huge proportions of the public being in poor health due to poor lifestyle choices.

The thing with having doughnuts or chocolate or sweets without limit very soon children don’t see them as treats. They become on the same thrill level as having a piece of fruit or some carrot sticks and hummus. They are as likely to choose the carrot sticks as they are the doughnut. They develop the ability of listening to their bodies and don’t have the same craving as a child who sees treats as something of a rarity. The “treats” get less enticing especially when they are considered as everyday stuff

MIL once decided to feed dc sweets as a special treat, except by that stage dc didn’t see them as treats but as everyday stuff that was available anytime and they preferred a cheese and tomato sandwich.

I think mil thought I was as strict as her with sugary snacks and I didn’t give them treats. They were 5 and 4 years old and didn’t understand the concept that sweets were considered treats. I had never said no to sugary stuff which took the mystery and allure away

Now DS especially, can go months without eating a sugary snack. Dd can go weeks.

Dd went to senior school with someone who wasn’t allowed sweets or chocolate etc. Whilst she told her parents that she was buying a sandwich or baked potato and some fruit for lunch, instead she was chomping down on a giant bar of chocolate.

I understand how you felt @LiarLiarKnickersAblaze because, while my DD is younger than yours, I've had similar experiences and felt completely out of control. There's always the dilemma: doing what you know is healthier or allowing her freedom. And the balance is difficult to achieve, so I feel you.
Things that came to mind while reading you and/or things I've learned myself:

1. Choose your battles, especially when in public.
2. Limit exposure to "bad influences" (this includes,but not only, people... even "friends") and make it strategic (be analytical, plan, be subtle about it).
3. When you can't beat them... find balance (what others said: plan home meals according to the food she's likely going to consume out of the home in a given day, for instance). Find your own way of doing this.
4. Don't beat yourself up: whatever the conflict of the day, it will pass and you'll survive it.
5. Try not to obssess about food being "good" or "bad", but be coherent. If your DD need to experience for herself what eating unhealthy snacks does to her tummy, "let her" (once, don't get me wrong: I'm not advocating for child neglect here) and explain to her without blame or shame that "oh, that's why we prefer other food that makes us feel better, see?" or sonething similar.

Oh, people are definitely judging that.

I'm still astounded that people aren't judging someone who gives there kids lunch then two doughnuts, two packets of crisps and an icecream 😅

And it’s also incredibly insulting to imply that chronic illnesses are the fault of those of us who suffer from them. Way to be ableist, too!

I totally get what you’re trying to say OP and I 100% agree.

' Most people have chronic illnesses from their 40s.'

do they ? really ???

well please exclude me from this assumption, as i am in my 60's and have never had a chronic illness.

' I myself have had a junk food addiction in the past in my teenage years. '

and that is the cause of the whole issue here.

you knew your child was meeting up with friends in the park, so why on earth did she not have a healthy suitable lunch at home ?

and meltdowns / tantrums - she is 9 ? not 2 or 3 !!!

I don't think you are unreasonable at all OP. Junk food is far too common and we call it "treats" to soften the fact that it's not healthy. But that means a treat is an occasional thing, certainly not more than once a day. I would tell her, when you are not in the situation (before meeting up with friends), that the reason you don't just agree to treats is because they are not healthy. Warn her in advance she will get one treat only when out with friends, she can choose it. If she's had the donut then she doesn't get sweets later. Perhaps make it part of a bigger education by getting her to choose and help cook healthy meals.