AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

It's worth remembering you're only seeing a snspshot of these families lives.If my child misbehaves when we're out, I tell him to stop but also address this at home later and take action then (dock pocket money or take away Nintendo)rather than have a public scene. With the witch comment, I'd probably laugh it off in public but it definitely address at home.

the kids that have strict parents around "treat food" (I hate that expression though) are often the ones who end up with fat kids once they're a bit older and realise they can buy their own treats whenever they want.

A subway, a cookie, a doughnut and a treat for a Saturday night film is not what I would consider strict with food in any way.
I'm not sure why OP is getting superior about it. Her child had a cookie and a doughnut, the friend had a doughnut and an ice cream. And yet it's being described as the other parent filling their child with "crap".

OP, fwiw, I agree that different parents/different rules is one of the hardest parts of parenting. Really difficult to navigate. On some issues I’m an absolute ogre, v strict, and on others, I’m probably more relaxed. Solidarity there.

But tbh I’m finding your responses to PP quite passive-aggressive and angry and I’m not sure why you are reacting like this. You’ve come on a forum to ask for opinions. People have given you them. You disagree, as is your right. But then you are using hyperbole and ‘so I’m the only one who cares about teeth falling out etc. Ok.’ And it’s really off-putting to those who want to offer genuine advice.

There are a tonne of options you could try:

• if you are close to the other parents, you could have a ‘two-snacks-pact’ and approach it beforehand. You could really encourage them to think about their own rules in a way that’s gentle and non-judgy
• you could speak to your DD in advance and prepare her for the different rules/different parents thing. Model it. Ask her how it will feel when she’s not allowed something her peers are, and then walk her through dealing with that emotion so she’s ready and prepared when it happens
• save your ‘teachable moments’ eg the excuse me thing til after the day out, and then say ‘watch me and I’ll show you what I mean’ while you model it in a shop somewhere

Or disregard all of these options and you do you.

You're not better though.
Your child had a Subway for lunch - not in itself bad every now and then but also not a place to take a moral high ground!
Maybe they had healthier lunches, maybe they eat healthy all week, maybe a little Saturday treat or two while also using up energy is actually okay? Even if it IS too much sugar, it's not up to you to police it for other people's children.

I mainly agree with you. I am astonished how much some children get constantly fed.

However, assuming it was a rare one off I would let this go.

However constant feeding and producing snacks would have pissed me off for another reason -my children have allergies and when people produce unexpected food like it is a benign treat its horrible as mine are left out.

And I do think there needs to be some navel gazing as a society about the amount of constant snacking we think is required, and the focus on food as the main "reward". My daughter went to her junior school disco, and they were encouraged to bring money for sweets and in addition every child was given a chocolate bar and a packet of crisps halfway through the disco. It was a 60 minute party! I asked my daughter if she wanted me to sort safe versions and she said no because she just wanted to dance. Some of the children had £5 for sweets plus the chocolate bar and crisps, they can't have done anything but eat

(And don't get me started on the fact school were so proud to provided the chocolate bars "to ensure they are nut free" whilst totally oblivious to the fact milk allergies are the number one cause of fatalities in children now and my daughter was surrounded by a hundred sticky sweaty children eating milk chocolate)

Nope, she said she doesn't want her DD getting heart disease, diabetes or cancer! 😖

My child when young her was not given as many 'treats' as other kids and one of the reasons was so when they were with other kids they were used to making possibly different choices to others but at times chose what the others went with too

Not once I have ever judged any parents for their choices affecting my child or my parenting

If you can't parent your child because of others that is on you not them, and yea I am judging you do wonder how you are going to handle the teenage years

You are expecting to be told how wonderful you are sure some will agree with you I am not one of them even of i did minimise 'treats' also

It just depends on your tolerance levels I suppose. I would have agreed to the chocolate lolly to keep the peace and let my child join in with the others. Does that make me a terrible mother who fills their child with crap? Yeah maybe for that 30 mins. But it’s about picking your battles I suppose. I’d do anything to avoid a scene and avoid anything that makes me stressed. I’d make sure no more treats for the rest of the weekend and a nice healthy dinner.

You must realise @LiarLiarKnickersAblaze that what you witnessed yesterday is not the diet and boundaries of those children's homes.

I think you need to make your parenting a bit more adaptable, because it sounds awkward and embarrassing for all involved.

It is like (for example) going out for a group meal and one parent grandstanding over making their child eat every last pea. Totally inappropriate, at a group event.

So sorry that not wanting my DD to get heart disease, diabetes or cancer because of being overweight.

And yet you allow her to eat from Subway! A Subway roll plus cookie is really no better than the doughnut given by another parent.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Surely most nine year olds would be able to understand that all families are different and handle situations differently? My child is younger and often misses out due to multiple severe allergies. Sometimes if the food is okay for him we will still choose not to give it to him. He sometimes feel sad about missing out but has never had a tantrum over it.

Come on, you're seriously reaching here.

My comment wasn't in relation to the meltdown, rather your assuming superiority in food choices.

Did she really shout at the man or just raise her voice so she he heard her? Speaking at a volume loud enough to be heard and saying "excuse me" is perfectly polite. No idea why you're trying to train her out of being politely assertive

Why do you meet with them if you don’t like them? It sounds exhausting to be constantly judging them, and by the sounds of your daughter’s behaviour it doesn’t sound like you’re in a position to act morally superior.

Personally I would never give my children Subway food, I would not care if you brought along I’d just tell my child they can’t have it. The same with sweet foods, they can have some in moderation, but I wouldn’t say they could just because everyone else is having it. Children have to get used to not being able to have everything other have. You need to teach your child how to deal with her emotions, not feel you have to give in because she’ll cause a scene. Sometimes it just means they have a strop for a bit.

I know what you mean, it's parental peer pressure.

I guess in future you can pre-empt it to manage expectations. You can plan for one treat and say something like "your friends may be offered lots of different treats in different shops but choose wisely as you're only getting 1. We will have apples/breadsticks too if you're hungry."

You’re really not. I wouldn’t have let my child have the subway or the cookie or the doughnut. You’d already let her have a lot of cakes before you said no to the ice cream.

It’s not that you were in the wrong to say no to the last treat - it’s mainly that - in my opinion, you’re being a little hypocritical in judging the other parent when you weren’t choosing amazing foods for her yourself.

You're right with the excuse me thing, you don't just walk right up to someone and immediately say excuse me, you wait a few seconds and see if they're actually about to take something off the shelf or if they're just taking time browsing and if the latter, politely say excuse me please and take what you want off the shelf.

Cancer? Are you actually judging people with cancer now? One extra donut doesn't cause cancer.

Oh she was shouting now?

Her diet that day consisted of Subway, a cookie, and a doughnut. Really great, well done.

You asked if YABU, the general consensus is YABU, and you continue to push back with excuses as to why YANBU.

Ah, I love MN.