AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

OP,
I've read your responses but not all of everyone else's.

I used to do the same as you. My 4 kids had one treat a day and they had control over what that was. I enforced it even when other kids parents seemed to not care about their own kids.

One of my friends had a cupboard full of sweets and treats that her kids could just help themselves too without asking. My kids found it shocking. My friends kids were badly behaved and two were overweight. Of course I judged. It's bad and lazy parenting.

My kids are adults now and they still roughly stick to the one treat a day thing.

I didn't give in to bad behaviour and I was very consistent with my expectations of my kids behaviour and my kids were well behaved. They never rebelled as teenagers and have grown up to be lovely adults that I'm extremely close to.
I KNOW some of it is luck that I had naturally calm kids but I think a lot of it is parenting too.

Any parents that routinely give their kids loads of sweets or other crappy food are being lazy. Especially if they are doing it bacause they don't want to deal with meltdowns etc. It's bad parenting.

You're getting a lot of weird responses OP. I'm with you and wouldn't have been happy either. Tbh I can't believe the amount of junk people feed their kids on a normal day out. No wonder we have an obesity crisis! PP's suggestion of managing expectations beforehand is the best approach in my experience.

I'm all for a blow out but 2 donuts, crisps and an ice cream in a short time is over the top.

People seem to eat every second of the day. Whenever, we go out as a family, it's a rare treat to eat, when out because frankly it's expensive and as a society we seem to have got into the habit of needing to eat every 5 minutes. Unless its a planned picnic, we don't just grab food - never done it as a child nor did my parents but now it's normal to nip into a shop for a snack/ stop at greggs or get a Costa

I think a few extra treats on a day out with friends isn't necessarily 'a constant stream'. They may well eat perfectly healthy, balanced diets for the rest of the time. It's like holidays as well. Children don't eat what they'd eat at home. My children eat really good food for the most part, but we do relax more around their friends, cousins etc. I do understand what you mean to an extent though, and I do think that children get way more treats than they ever used to. And it can be very hard to exert control over that since it's become a more common occurrence.

I think the customer was right to focus on your dd's polite manner. My children stand back a little too much in situations because they're very polite, too, but I've begun encouraging them to step forward a bit more and be more assertive (but still polite).

You're not wrong, OP. Unfortunately the only answer is to spend less time with people whose values are very different to your own and more time with people whose values are similar.

Do you assume that people are judging you all of the time?

It may surprise you that actually most people rarely think about you or give what you are doing any real consideration.

Most people don't give a shiny shit about how many treats another person gives their kid. They wouldn't have kept track and it just wouldn't be stored away in their brain to pick apart later.

Once you realise that life is much nicer.

Also, people aren't judging you here, they're offering their opinion on an Internet forum where you posted ASKING if you were BU.

(And I do see you say she 'shouted' and 'everyone stared at her', but in all honesty, given the situation and how you seem to be about her, I think that may just be your perception of it)

OP. Your daughter didn't 'raise her voice' in the shop. That implies aggression or shouting. She (possibly correctly) judged that the man would be unlikely to hear her saying it quietly and so said 'excuse me' politely and clearly. Terrible, terrible message to give to a girl, to expect her to stand there meekly until such time as someone moves and to speak softly at all times. She got her needs met politely and confidently and you poured cold water all over that and made her feel she'd done something wrong.

As for the treat thing, some days do just pan out like that, I'm afraid, but a day out isn't every day and I'm sure she eats healthily at home. I wouldn't have been causing her upset for that. I might perhaps have chatted with her about it later - 'wow, that was a day with a lot of sweet stuff - perhaps the ice cream didn't taste so special after the last couple of things?'

Fruit can be a treat and these children quite possibly eat lots of fruit every other day of the week.

You're not "being judged', you're being called out on being judgemental and hypocritical.
Parenting isn't always easy and nobody always gets it right, but you opened yourself up to criticism because of your own overly critical and self-righteous approach.

I agree OP, the relentless "treats" are annoying. Why can't fruit be a treat?

If offered a treat mine would rather pick some strawberries or berries because its not something they have often as they are expensive and I'm on a low income.

You are WAY too uptight. Just relax!! One afternoon of indulgence doesn’t ruin how you parent at home.
And stop judging other parents for the way they choose to treat their kids. None of us are perfect, none of us gets it right first time-not even you!

No, you have to stand up for your choices as a parent. You don’t ask others to do/not do things to make your choices easier.

I do use the word treat, but only in a positive way - to me a treat is something I don't necessarily need but am happy to enjoy. I don't ever chastise myself or anyone else using the word. Dog treats are the same tbh.

What social cues? If someone’s in the way you ask them to move, there are no “browsing rights”.

Obviously you have to ask in the right way but even if she spoke a bit to loudly I think that’s possibly normal behaviour for a child? I see no reason why she would do this as an adult.

There's a time and a place to do it. Instead you've jumped on the behaviour straight away and the poor girl must feel constantly got at.

The treat thing is much harder.

Most people have chronic illnesses from their 40s.
Do they?

I myself have had a junk food addiction in the past in my teenage years. I want her to have treats and see them as treats, not as a regular part of diet.
If you've had a junk food addiction then your own parents rules of having 'one max two' treats on a day out haven't worked.

My children are older teenagers now and I've never used the word treat to them. Unless I'm talking about the dog.

My children aren't overweight and neither am I and neither is my husband. We are in our early fifties and we don't have chronic illness. Neither do any of our friends.

My mother is eighty one. Not overweight. Takes no pills. No chronic illness.

What does judging them achieve? Either stop the play dates or deal with the situation as you just have. They’re not going to change how they parent because you don’t like it. I sometimes have similar situations with my DD and her friends and she understands that she doesn’t always get exactly the same ‘treats’ and she doesn’t have a meltdown about it. I imagine the other parents are judging your parenting if your DD has a tantrum over stuff like that.

Why are you pretending a Subway lunch is only one treat? She must have also had some sort of sandwich and drink along with the cookie. Subway food is rarely healthy.