AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

I think you sound exhausting, sorry. I don't even see the issue here. Mountain of a molehill. Saying that "their poor choices impact your parenting" is super OTT. Also you're not exactly little miss healthy, Subway and a cookie is crap food.

Your 9 year old is still having tantrums? Or is there ASD at play here as you mention a meltdown? Meltdowns are not tantrums and barring additional needs I’m shocked that your DD is still having public tantrums. She should have grown out of this stage a long time before now - and should be at the stage where when told no she understands it means no. I’d be fixing your own parenting before criticising others.

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze I’m glad you’re starting to recognise it as a “you” issue now. That takes a lot and can only be a good thing moving forwards. We won’t get things right 100% of the time (or even 75%!) but as long as we can reflect and look at where we are going wrong, things should turn out ok.

But is not happy with any comments pointing out her hypocrisy?

I think you just need to find friends with similar parenting approaches. Otherwise it’s always going to be hard work.

Or she sounds like a parent who is trying to do her best and gain some perspective on whether she is on the right path.

Caveat - saying this mainly to myself as do not have the below sorted in my life at all!!
All people have different judgements and boundaries. It’s really tough but I imagine it’ll only get tougher as DD gets older. It’s OK for your friends to treat their kids as they choose, but you can have clear boundaries with your daughter too, there will always be a parent who lets their kids have more than yours, be it sweet treats, screen time, apps, curfew, presents etc. You decide what works for your family and speak to them about it at a good time (outside of high pressure situations). I think you’ll still get lots of tantrums but I think that’s part of kids growing up and they shouldn’t learn that tantrums gets them what they want.

Personally, I think what you fed her was worse. We’re a healthy household and teach DC about good quality food and looking after their bodies. Good social skills and socialising generally is also really important to us and I would’ve definitely let them have treats with their friends on a day out - they know for sure they’re not getting that normally. I wouldn’t dream of feeding them subway or similar crap as a meal with me though. It’s sort of normalising it?!

im only saying that to point out that we’re all different as parents and not necessarily better or worse. You shouldn’t be taking the high horse over your friends, else just get new friends that you actually respect. Parenting is hard enough.

Get away with what?

YABU to make this an other parents issue.

My daughter learnt very early that tantrums get her NOTHING, so she only tried that once. She through a tantrum, YOU gave in.

She also knew it mattered not a fig what other children were doing, as she was not them and I was not their parents, so sometimes she just had to let things pass her by.

And the excuse me thing - why would you correct her when she's done the right thing 🤔? She says excuse me, the other person moves or says just a minute...

Yeah, DD’s best friend is always having a ridiculous amount of sugar shoved at her. Her mum is genuinely lovely and shares with my DD (once it was muffins, chocolate bar and another sugary thing in one go). it becomes really trying tbh. I don’t fuss about it but I’m just starting to say things like “lets save that for later” if it’s a bit too much. That way I’m not saying no or telling she can’t have the same as her friend we are just delaying it a bit. She’s actually getting better at saving things for later.

The relationship is very important to DD so I’m disinclined to see them less and they are really lovely as well. I just manage it the best I can.

Imo they all behave badly at some point but I do think it’s your job as a parent to be reasonable about sugar consumption as well. I don’t mind one treat just not 5.

I grew up with 1-2 treat snacks on a day out and I remember seeing kids tantrumming but people were more accepting of it. Acknowledged it was parenting and necessary sometimes. These days it's not acceptable and we must keep kids constantly happy even if it's not the best for them in the long term.

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze I think you're mislabelling this. It's not that we have to keep kids happy all the time but that parents are judged so so harshly for kids tantrumming, shouting, or misbehaving in public. If a kid tantrums, it's assumed they are spoiled and badly parented - when in fact sometimes riding out a tantrum is good parenting and is how you avoid spoiling. There is no tolerance of kids as kids and parents are criticised if their kids don't appear composed at all times.

I remember experiencing embarrassment over tantrums too, but honestly, most children do this at some stage or another. They want what they want, and they aren’t yet able to regulate emotionally when they don’t get it. It’s not always a reflection on parenting, but often a stage that a child is at developmentally. Try not to sweat it too much.

It sounds like you're parenting well, OP, although I wouldn't blame other parents for making life harder, as in the instances you describe, they don't seem to be the real problem. I've frequently said no to my child getting an ice cream or something when his friends parents have bought their own kids sweets, as he's either had enough sugar or I just don't want to waste money on cheaply made crap. It's just what you have to do as a parent sometimes. But that's my choice and absolutely nothing to do with the choices of other parents. Equally, I wouldn't laugh if my child called me an evil witch; they'd be told off and if it happened again, they'd be punished (e.g. no screen time that evening).

Instead of being annoyed by other parents so much, look at it this way - getting along with different people who behave differently and have different expectations is a skill your DD will have to learn. Don't try too many explanations in public, just go with the simple and direct like, no, you can't have an ice-cream now as you had a big cookie at lunchtime. Then if it's become an issue, explain on the way home or at home (away from the other parents) that different families have different rules and it's not always appropriate to do what everyone else is doing.

you sound like an absolute bore OP, lighten up a bit.

This is what I also did. I just couldn’t be doing with the constant negotiation involved in socialising with people who have completely different values.

I don't think anyone has disagreed and said that it wasn't too much junk food, have they???

Reading the information presented and offering opinions isn't judging, that's debating. Judging implies a level of authority and finality.

My parents were very similar, micromanaging us, we weren't allowed to make any decisions etc it was very unhealthy and did not raise us to he adults who were ready for the world. I did lots of work on myself to care less about other people's opinions and understand that actually, most people aren't watching to see me fail. It really helped me as a person.

I've also taken a very conscious decision to let my children make poor decisions in small ways in order for them to learn from them while being here as a supportive sounding board. I'm sure this looks like lazy parenting to many people, I can assure you it is actually a lot of work to consistently parent in this way.

I'm sure if I was one of the parents one your day out you would have made all sorts of judgements on me with only the surface level facts. Does that not seem like a waste of your time and energy?

If other parents' methods throw you off so much don't go out with them. It's not compulsory.