Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

You need to sit him down and have a proper conversation immediately. He needs to sit there and listen, no nice person would leave their recovering wife and newborn baby to go off and play golf. He needs to get his priorities straight and if he gets defensive then I’d threaten to leave. Do NOT allow this behaviour xx.

What a dickhead. I am on the same kind of timeline as you - 12 days after c section birth of our baby - and my partner has been really attentive. He has also moved into the spare room but he's with us pretty constantly for the rest of the time. He's cooked and baked for us, done all the school runs for our eldest and most of the rest of her care, vacuumed and tidied, looked after baby so I can sleep in the day, and done all the shopping.

For balance, he's also had time to tinker with his bike, play his usual weekly football game, and have a few daytime naps and baths while baby sleeps or I feed her. Your DH doesn't have to be a total martyr, there's time for relaxation, but that should come after meeting the immediate needs of the day, including those of a wife who recently had major surgery.

All this to say you are NOT being unreasonable, your DH has really let you down here. You just had an operation in which they cut an 8-inch incision through 7 layers of your abdomen and now you have to care for a newborn while trying to recover. I think sometimes this really gets glossed over, the recovery from c section is no joke. Perhaps he doesn't realise how significant this is but he ought to. At my midwife appointment the other day she really stressed that we wouldn't expect this much of anyone after any other kind of surgery, and I'm glad my partner was there to hear it - I needed to hear it too. Any chance you will be in a position to have a professional say this so he can hear it? Do you have a midwife appt or health visitor coming up? He needs to shape up. It's not just a sign of what kind of dad he'll be, he's also setting you back in terms of entering motherhood on the best foot. You need to protect your physical and mental health at this vulnerable time and he's not helping with that.

He needs to adjust to his new responsibility. He is a dad, his life has changed, he can't do what he used to do!

This country needs some parenting classes at school or during pregnancy. He is probably doing what he thinks is normal when the reality is he is being a selfish twat trying to continue life as it was before he became a father.

We had a similar thing. It took about a year to sort. 8 years down the line, he‘s a great father.My expectation is he can do everything for DS that I do, including mental load. And he did a great job when I had a 3-week hospital stay a while back.

I insisted we alternated nights sleeping in baby’s room. I either pumped milk in advance (it freezes) or we bought Hipp pre milk (also good for older babies).

I took a half day off every weekend and went out. Would rather have been at home, but he had to learn what needed doing.

I insisted he worked from home 1 day a week.

We did an infant care course together during pregnancy.

What really helped later on was comparing his schedule to mine and showing him I had almost no ‘time off’ (he didn’t play golf, but did do marathon training).

What also helped was doing a baby sensory workshop. It turned out part of the problem was ‘he didn’t know what to do with the baby and the baby couldn’t tell him’.

He was also scared of change, so didn’t change until he couldn’t avoid it (life doesn’t change for the man unless he wants it too. Mums don’t have a choice).

You won’t be able to get him to change. He’s a deadweight round your neck.So you either accept a life with a lazy sexist or make a life without him.

100% my DH needs direction when it comes ro household things but he willingly does it. And never complains.

Wow just wow. You've had a C section on top of it all and this is what he is doing. Thats bot considerate or caring at all not at all kind. He doesn't sound like he care for your or the baby. Wow.

When we had DS1 my DH was there at my "bec n call" and did everything needed as i was nursing and getting used to breast feeding and that took so long to eatablish and be comfortable. He would do nappy changes and settling to sleep as nursing is exhausting the first 3 weeks it was so draining. I was also severely anemic he took good care of us both.
So I could not imagine him being different to this and accepting such awful treatment like you have mentioned. Wow. So sorry. Was he like this pre baby? Did you know him long pre baby?

Awful. I had the same experience years ago when my dd was born. I still remember how dreadful he was 19 years ago. It sounds like he thinks this is a holiday for him rather than a time to be bonding with his child and looking after both of you. Really sorry for you that he is so selfish.

I think you need to sit down and have a friendly chat with him about the expectations…. That you need help and support , emotionally and physically.

I’d speak to him about him helping with the nights at least when he’s off at the weekend, you also need to state that you would like an hour or so to yourself at the weekend (preferably right in the middle of the afternoon so it intrupts golf 🤣🤣)
He needs to bond with the baby, even if it’s just you go for a walk without the baby and he stays at home. Sooner he gets the bond the sooner he will be involved

You need to sit down with him next time baby has a nap and have a frank conversation with him.
Ask him to draw up the list with you of all the things that need doing in the house every day. Cleaning, changing bedclothes, laundry, cooking, shopping etc.
Then draw up a list of what it takes to look after baby .. nappies, settling baby, feeding etc.
Then you can write down sleep, how much sleep you both need. He also adds work and hours he's at work.
Then both look at this list and any free time beyond these things is then spare for leisure time for tv, golf, gym, massage etc. For you both!
So I'd say as an example, if he's prepared to pull his weight during the week and come home from work and clean and do laundry etc so that he can have a few hours golf on a Sat morning. Fair enough. But you also get "you" time - even if all you want to do is just to take a bath and wash your hair.
The main point is there are 24 hours in a day. And all the list needs doing by someone !

Golf next sat and sun - no...just no! What the hell is wrong with men!

@RevelryMum it’s parenting not helping, and that’s what OP needs to say to him, when are you going to become a parent?

He's giving paternity leave a bad rep

I think your DH needs a bit of a reality check, life does change after children as do priorities. I didn't see when he booked his golf weekend stuff - is there a possibility he did it before and didn't consider that things might just not go perfectly?
The maximum paternity DH could have was the two weeks so he had another 2 weeks lined up immediately afterwards which was the most holiday that could be taken in one chunk. I didn't have any problems nor C-sec but he wasn't about to vanish on me at any time.

That's awful :( I was disappointed with our 2 week paternity leave but because it wasn't that golden newborn bubble and walks to coffee shops I imagined, I had an emergency section after a 4 day drawn out awful induction and barely remember those days, we were hunkered in barely surviving and before I knew it my husband was back at work. But he was there every day, all day, taking on all the housework, splitting the night with me , not complaining. We cried together, we had some tiffs because we were sleep deprived and our lives had changed but he was there. You need to have a serious talk with your husband before his weekends become filled with chores via the golf course. I hope he listens

Subtle signs like the massive scar on her abdomen? Men who fail to notice that having a baby is difficult and that the need to actually parent are either incredibly stupid or incredibly selfish - neither of which is an attractive proposition.

His behaviour is really not ok. He is being very selfish. You are both parents and should be working as a team. You must be exhausted and this childish behaviour can only be bringing you down. I think a direct conversation is needed and if he does not choose to change, you need to make your own choices about what you do next. This is a time you really need your husband and if he cannot step up now, it’s hard to see how he will change and dealing with the disappointment and resentment of this on a long term basis (as well as the fact of having to do everything solo) will be just so painful and draining. You deserve much better. Congratulations on your little one and I hope things get better for you x

Your DH is behaving like a vile, selfish dickhead. You need find out if it’s just bad behaviour he will change once he’s called out on it, or if that’s actually who he is.

If it’s who he is, then you need to start get your ducks in a row to get shot of him.

Another man who thinks having children is a great idea until the baby arrives and then they view it as solely their wife’s/partner’s responsibility.
Im so sorry for you OP, I’m afraid if your DH doesn’t shape up now, he’ll never be an equal parenting partner. And when you go back to work he will happily expect you to do all the parenting and household jobs you do on Mat leave AND hold down a job.

Set your boundaries now.

I'll say it again: equal leisure time. With a newborn, especially a high needs baby, this may in practice mean that neither of you get much time to yourselves. Certainly not enough to play bloody golf! Two days running!? Can you go and stay with your mum for a bit? Your husband needs a short sharp shock. He's a poor husband and father and needs to buck up.

You need to tell him now that's not acceptable or that's the way it will continue. He needs to help with the baby more it's what he signed up for life doesn't continue on for him like that baby doesn't exist, are you meant to be completely sleep deprived so he can sleep and play golf ?

Who is cooking the meals today?

What was the split of household chores before baby arrived?

Is he expecting you to finance anything baby related?

This is the time to put your foot down and kick up a stink or this routine will stay forever. Don't be passive aggressive or silently resentful - just be clear on what you expect of him and that he cannot play golf until the baby is in a routine. He's going to have to find coping mechanisms that involve you and baby in the future - as escaping your family everytime you're having a bad day isn't it. Be firm and make it clear the marriage won't last unless he bucks up because you're his wife not his paid help.

Some people are selfish and uncompromising, and get away with it with partners who are too meek to challenge the behaviour. He's obv not a natural dad, that's ok, he has to learn. Please do not give up your job or he will always dictate the terms of your marriage. Also don't have another child with him unless you accept you'll raise them like a single mum with him just providing money. It's horrible when men model this for their sons at home - if your son sees you being strong and laying down boundaries, he'll grow up to be a much better man than his dad.

He's been at home for two weeks and it's your mother who's been doing the cleaning?
That is really, profoundly shocking. And an indication of a deep-seated belief on his part that childcare and domestic labour are women's work. He's basically set up paternity leave as a holiday for himself, deigns to do the stuff that suits him and has worn you down with the constant complaints about tiredness to let him off the hook. He's also absolutely setting the pattern and expectations now, while you're still exhausted and less able to resist, for how things will be going forward.
Did you talk about this stuff during pregnancy? Was he into the idea of a baby?

You need to make it very clear now that this is not how things are going to be, that neither of you need to give up everything you did before (I kept my main hobby, in a limited/adapted measure, throughout bf) but that both of you need to limit things to ensure you are both sharing the work and both building your family. And that if he can't cope with that, he can't have the positive sides of a family and you need to look at moving apart and coparenting.