Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

My DP was like this except he went to the spare room on the first night we were home as I couldn’t bear listening to him moan about lack of sleep!! You need to nip it in the bud as soon as possible and agree what’s fair / acceptable. Yes he should still be able to play golf (and you should get back to your hobbies as soon as you’re ready) but he also needs to be present and helping at home more now you have a baby.

Honestly give him a stern talking to and see if things improve. In my experience men just don’t see any of the work that needs to be done and need to be told to do absolutely everything. Not ideal as it means you’re having to ‘manage’ him as well as your baby but if he isn’t proactive then there isn’t much choice.

And so it begins. Put your foot down op or golf will always be a bug bear

Are you blaming women for some men being useless?

Well that’s kind of irrelevant now, as baby is already here, didn’t you read the OP? There is no mention of an immaculate conception and @Boymumtobe09 is clear that he’s the father. So he decided to make a baby and it’s here now so he just needs to get on with it.

Its not like Marks and Spencer, where you can return an item and get your money back just because you’ve changed your mind.

I wouldn’t bother with a conversation with him. You’re on a hiding to nothing. You can’t make a selfish person not be selfish. Better to be alone or with someone kind.

Yes I absolutely have no qualms about being labelled a nag. If he doesn’t like it he can find someone else to put up with him, good luck with that! Plus if he’s to stupid/ work blind to see that the recycling needs taking out/ the baby needs a bath/ the loo roll needs changing then he should be THANKING me for pointing them out (actually my DH is pretty good now!).

One other thing, this is basically not a great sign and you’ll likely be on shaky ground for a while unless he pulls his socks up. Yes as others have said, you might have to split up. Do not under any circumstances give your job up and/ or agree to more children unless things change.

You need to nip this in the bud before it becomes a habit every weekend. Talk to him about how you need time to yourself to and that it's his child too and he needs to spend good quality time bonding with the baby. I had a similar situation years ago when I was a young mother and my DH though it was ok to go drinking regularly with work buddies and leave me at home. Had to put a stop to it.

Was he as keen to have a family as much as you were?

It's in his golfing interests to avoid a separation, where his spare time will be spent parenting, alone.
Get the mixed feeding going, to show you mean business.
OP my similar ex picked me up from the hospital after my section in a two seater van. I was rolling around, hanging on in the back. Things never really improved from there!

@ComingBackHome it does matter how much golf he played before? So the weekend is usually when most working couples get household chores done, so if OP was the one cleaning, doing laundry and cooking whilst DH was swanning round the golf course it is probably very likely that attitude wouldn’t change once baby was on the scene. If both parties in the couple split chores evenly and had the same amount of leisure time then you would hope that would continue, together with both parenting equally when both at home, once baby arrives on the scene

TBF the time to have discussed this was before you conceived. As he’s always been a golfer you must have always been spending large amounts of time alone on the weekend. A little unrealistic to have imagined he was going to change that without any discussion.

you’d better have the chat now and see what he says. But if it’s not a definite I’m sorry, I didn’t think that through and of course I will cut back and support you more, then you have a choice to make.

It isnt irony. He was ready for children because he didnt expect his life to change at all. He expected yours to change dramatically.

Congrats on your new baby

It certainly doesn't seem great that your DH is not looking after you, your baby or the house during his paternity leave.
But it is a big adjustment phase so give him some chance to change before you write him off.

That means..
A serious conversation now about golf, priorities and downtime

Your mum to stay away / not doing any cleaning, cooking etc so he can't assume she'll be there to do anything that's needed

Agree a routine for when he's back to work - eg you'll have a shower before he leaves so you're up and dressed, he'll make you a tea in thermos before he leaves, he'll call as he leaves work to check if he should pick up anything from the shops on way home

When you're both in the house you to hold firm boundaries and not tolerate being the default everything 24/7. Ask him as things need to be done (don't explain in advance you'll be using this strategy) would he rather cook dinner just now or bath baby? Hang out washing or sort the recycling? Make it clear there are multiple jobs to be done and you'll only be doing half of them.

One of the biggest numbers men have ever pulled on women is the fear of being a “nag”. Op, you’ve just had 9 months of pregnancy followed by major abdominal surgery in the pursuit of having his baby - if there’s any arguing or sulking when you ask him to pull his weight while you’re recuperating, it’s him whose at fault, not you.
Good luck and congratulations on your lovely baby.

@Boymumtobe09 im afraid I agree that you REALLY need a discussion about his behaviour.
You need to tell him how he made you feel by not being there or booking those full weekends or golf. You need to tell him the impact it has on you.

And yes maybe you’ll need to tell him what needs doing. Even though you shouldn’t need to.

But the bottom line is that he is the one to chose.
And he might well chose that your well-being isn’t top of his priority list.
I wouldn’t say LTB just now. It’s miles too early abd you both need to adjust to a new life. But please don’t let it become ‘The Norm’ and sweep it under the carpet.

What a twunt.

I'd be pointing out to him how selfish he's being and that he needs to step up. Make a list of all the things that need doing on a daily basis so he can't feign ignorance. Good you have your mum around, rely on her as much as possible as well as any other friends and family.

Forget about him for a while and enjoy your baby too.

Time to start planning the divorce. It's not too early.

You can't compete with the other love in his life.

Absolutely agree with the he’s failed you comments. But unfortunately he won’t decide to change himself.

We had similar issues (not the golf but the proactiveness not being there). I wrote a list of absolutely everything. Daily tasks like washing, shopping, baby bags, what goes in them etc - basically anything that was on my mental load. Wrote them all down and said here’s what needs done daily, weekly and monthly and you need to be proactively doing them. We’ve a memo board and it’s working so far. I hope he wises up for you.

Write a diary everyday op.
Just a few lines when you have a minute.
What you’ve done, where he is and how you feel.
Then if your dh ever suggests a second dc read it first.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

he clearly doesn't see Paternity Leave as anything more than two weeks off work, a bit of dabbling at being a father, but not without eternal whinging and feeling hard done-by, and rewarding himself for being Dad of the Year by having a few rounds of golf.

Nice. Not.

in summary he has had the choice of how much being a father has changed his charmed existence, not much, and he's decided that he can just slope off back to work and have a rest.

Nagging is the word men use when they’re told what they should be doing wo a prompt but aren’t.
Like doing some HW, supporting your wife etc….

It doesn’t matter.
His dwife just had major abdominal surgery. He should be there to support her.
Eg to do the washing, cleaning in the house. The shopping. All the things that are physically hard work or she can’t do (and won’t for at least another 4 weeks).

Plus he has just become a father. And you know what? Yes his life has changed too!!

What a piece of shit. My husband did everything during my recovery. He was a sleep deprived zombie but he sucked it up and got on with it. You need to put your foot down NOW, go NUCLEAR - and lay down the law, or he’s going to think this is acceptable and walk over you for the rest of your days and make your life a misery.

I would tell him that he’s rapidly losing your respect and you are very disappointed in him. He needs to think how he is going to rectify that. Paternity leave isn’t an opportunity to play non-stop golf. Its purpose is to support your post-partum wife and to bond with your new child, he has done neither.

Don’t fall for the “nagging trope”, he is a husband and father now who should be contributing to family life.

Exactly right

And ultimately , should you decide to walk, he'll have to sort DC out for himself and pay CM too

That fact might focus his silly little mind 🙄