Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

I am utterly baffled by all the comments that OP should explain it all to DH. He is a fully functioning grown up man. Why do people assume he is lacking understanding and needs explaining? He knows what he is doing. He is a lazy, sexist pig. But it suits him! How do people think 'explaining', 'communicating' etc will change who he is at core?

I hate golf for this very reason. It lets men avoid family responsibilities for hours.

Also, threads like these want me to scream that for all the women who say it is 2024, all is equal now, it really isn't

Men who use paternity leave as personal holiday, rather than bonding with their baby and helping their wives are utter shits. I don’t have any particular advice, OP, but I just want to say that it’s absolutely fair for you to be angry and that you need to confront this now or it will continue as he will think it’s normal/fine. Your marriage, and children, will suffer the consequences of his behaviour if it isn’t fixed soon.

The thing is, aside from the practicalities of running a house with a new baby and recovering mum, doesn't he WANT to spend time snuggling his baby?

My husband didn't bugger off after our babies were born because he LOVED them and wanted to hold them and he didn't want to be away from us. He loved doing nappy changes and rocking them and singing to them - we basically fought over who was going to get to hold them for the first couple of months!

I'm sorry he's such a toad - this should be a really special time for all of you and he's just fucking it up for you and himself.

Yes, the first weeks are a blur of terror, stitches, sore nipples and exhaustion, and arguments over how to do things, but we were both absolutely entranced by the tiny being that had just blown our life apart. Yes, life is different with subsequent children, but the first baby is the most profound change you'll ever make in your life. You can have all the conversations in the world with him about golf and keeping up his end of responsibilities, but I have to say, I'd find it hard to ever feel the same about a partner who behaved this way.

I’d be more than “disappointed”. Does he not want to spend any time at all with his child?

Well....boohoo.
Men aren't very good at much, are they?
However, as a PP said, he better starts pulling his weight, otherwise he's gonna regret it.
I suppose he wanted this child.

You need to recover and don't think he will guess what you need him to do obviously he is crap imo.So calmly explain what his role is in this no accepting pitiful efforts and doing things for him cos it easier .
I suspect your relationship will never be the same it's such a tough time even when both are working together and supporting each other.I personally would be ensuring my career continues and my contraception was very robust moving forward .
Take care and you can do this

It’s your maternity leave so use it as such.

In this instance I would be putting everything into the baby. Don’t cook for him, do his washing or anything that he gets the benefit from.

Just focus on you and your baby.

Get at much help as you can from family and friends and do make them aware of how he’s behaving. If this means getting someone else to stay with you to help out occasionally do it. If it means you go and stay with family/friends who can help, then do it.

Leave selfish prick husband to fend for himself.

You have had major abdominal surgery and newborns can need a lot of care. The fact he’s prioritising his own leisure time tells you what a useless POS he is.

I am sorry you’re in the is situation.

My OH didn't take 1 day off with either our dc and left me to do all the night feeds from day 1. Then he went away on holiday 3 weeks after dc2 was born. Good times....

That's it, they probably don't, in reality.

There’s a quote in a book I love where a character admits that whenever he hears a man with kids talking about playing golf he privately thinks “Well done for abandoning your family”

(See also CrossFit and cycling)

I sometimes think many men just feel everything should continue as before! He needs a good talk, and to realise that these early days of parenting are very hard.Some men adapt quickly and all is well.Some dont and find it hard.You are recovering from birth and need help .Impress on him that you need him ,and want him to be with you and baby and enjoy your time out.Just a quick coffee for maybe an hour or so, and then he can play golf another day .I think as you get into a routine then things should settle .

@HotMummaSummer he could have done all cooking and cleaning. I breastfed but that didn’t stop DH not being able to do anything on paternity leave. Bathing DC was his time for bonding, nappy changes. Holding baby whilst I caught up on sleeping. Doing all the cooking etc

Men like this either don’t see clutter so don’t care or start to get annoyed and have a go at the woman for not dealing with it. In my experience, they don’t magically learn their lesson when a woman downs tools.

This. His behaviour is appalling.

Obviously YANBU!
My husband was helpful when on pat leave but wanted to get back to work. Especially as our babies both breastfed he felt like there wasn't much he could do, but he did some cooking and cleaning at least. With the second he made the joke "see you when your 6 months".
He is much better with older babies/ toddlers and now preschoolers than he is with newborns.

Sadly sometimes you don’t really know a person until you have a baby with them. Thank goodness you’ve got a supportive and helpful mum. If you think about it, before you had children did the relationship work because you both did your own thing and didn’t have anyone else to consider? While you seem to have accepted life has changed now, he hasn’t. He needs some help understanding that. What did you used to do when he played golf? Make sure you match every day he goes and does something on his own like golf with a day doing something you enjoy on your own too. It’s the only way he’ll appreciate what it’s like to be left alone with a small baby on your own.

Golf Saturday and Sunday when your baby is 3 weeks old and he’s back at work? Tell him you’re both parents and he parents 50% of non working time just like you and how incredibly glad you are you didn’t listen to him when he said he wanted a baby years ago as clearly that was all words and the last thing he wants is an actual baby. Who needs care and love 24/7.

Do not do any housework for the next two weeks and do not cook any meals for him either. Let the laundry and dishes mount up and let him see what happens when he loses his live in housekeeper!

Men that complain about wives nagging them need the short sharp shock treatment.

I mean you are both exhausted, it’s normal to fight. Most couples have a shock to them when new baby arrives. Did he educate himself about newborns? If not, can you sit down and have a word, asking him to read a book or podcast in the 4th trimester as it will likely help him develop some coping skills.

Bullshit. He may have gone back to golfing afterwards (though a non-wanker would cut down) but paternity leave is for him to bond with the baby and support his wife's recovery.

Why should women have to “nip it in the bud”. That involves a hard slog of re-inforcing ground-rules as if he is a child, all the while in the knowledge he’ll sulk and fight you. Setting ground rules and getting him to stick by them is to my mind yet more WIFEWORK. Just get rid.

His whole paternity leave should have been focussed on you and the baby, that's what it's for.
A good man wouldn't need to be told that.
There is no excuse.

I'd argue the opposite. This is exacly why men should take (more) parental leave, but not just at a time when the mother is also on leave.

Three of my male colleagues have been on parental leave this last year. In each case the mother took 6 months leave first, and then the dad took 6 months. As a result they all know what it's like to look after a baby on their own for 40 hours a week.